


Shots in the Dark

by Sapphiresterre



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-27 04:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 54,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2678681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphiresterre/pseuds/Sapphiresterre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On Hiatus (I'm taking a break from GF)<br/>A bunch of unrelated oneshots. The majority of which will consist of one-sided Billdip and Dipeon, meaning Bill or Gideon will be interested in romantically pursuing an uninterested adult Dipper.</p><p>ch. 36: Crushed<br/>His heart had been broken two too many times</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Superstar Stumbling

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to practice writing and I figured I might as well share.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The famous actor, Dipper Pines, didn’t believe in the supernatural. In fact, he was just fine before a stranger gave him an enchanted artifact.
> 
> Pairing: Billdip (one-sided)

Dipper weaved through the crowd, dodging the cameras and lavish individuals milling about the massive room. His gaze sought one person in particular.

"Darn it Mabel," he muttered. "You  _know_ I hate rich people parties. How'd you drag me into this?"

He huffed when he finally caught sight of the familiar face standing beside an unfamiliar suited man. Side-stepping a party-goer, he made a beeline for his sibling. Just before he could cross the edge of the crowd, a slender frame stepped in his path. Dipper crashed into the stranger's bulk.

"Ah–sorry." He made to step around the woman.

"My, aren't you Dipper Pines?"

Dipper withheld a sigh, wondering how quickly he could end the conversation.

"Yes. Now, I really need to–"

"Oh you simply  _must_ tell me about that new movie of yours."

The woman snagged his forearm and dragged him away. He caught a glimpse of his sister chatting with the yellow vested man before the crowd swallowed him whole.

~oOo~

Once free from the chatty stranger, Dipper returned to tracking his sister so he could leave. Oddly enough, he couldn't find her  _anywhere._

"Mabel…" he murmured. "Where  _are–"_

Weight pressed against his shoulder and he jumped. Glancing at the gloved hand, he trailed his eyes along the black sleeve up to an oddly unsettling face framed by blond hair and a top hat.

He stared for a moment, feeling his stomach churn.

"–for?"

Dipper blinked. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

The yellow vested stranger bared his teeth in a mockery of a smile. "You wouldn't happen to be looking for a certain Mabel Pines, would you?"

The teen's hackles rose but he tempered his outward irritation with a rehearsed acting skill. "I am."

"I had a chat with her not too long ago before I showed her my private exhibit."

"Your private…" Dipper scrunched his face before his features stretched. "Wait,  _your_ exhibit? But then you're–"

"William Cipher!" The man tipped his hat. "The owner of this museum and host to this party!"

Dipper's level of annoyance and rising sense of dread increased. "Oh?"

"Yes, in fact I'd like to show you the very same exhibit! Come along, now!"

Bill grasped his wrist and tugged him out of the crowd. Despite the teen's protests, the dapper but odd man dragged him through several hallways until finally stopping before a elaborately decorated door.

Dipper shook his wrist free. "I  _really_ need to find– _whoa."_

His focus zeroed on the archaic painting visible through the now open doorway. Bill ushered him inside, chattering. Dipper hardly noticed the man's words as he swiveled his gaze about the room in star-struck awe. Coded paintings, vases, stones, and other artifacts he had never seen or heard of enraptured him. Absently, he nodded along to Bill's speech about how he came into ownership of the various mysterious items from history.

Bill subtly herded the teen to an odd stone carving, covered in what appeared to be amber, depicting a triangle with a single eye. Upon seeing the unusual artifact, Dipper's wonder faded to be replaced by wariness.

"–almost wish it were a necklace, don't you agree?"

"Um,  _sure…"_ Dipper agreed politely despite his uncomfortable posture. "But, uh, wouldn't  _that_ gem," he pointed to a aquamarine jewel, "make for a nicer necklace?"

"Why, if it  _were_ a necklace," Bill blazed over his thoughts, seeming to not have heard his statement, "I'd wear it, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, okay," He backpedaled, not liking the glint in the man's eyes and feeling his dread skyrocket. "That's great and all but I  _really_ need to–"

Still staring at the glass encased stone, the man snapped his gloved fingers. Despite the gloves, the sound pierced Dipper's ears.

Weight appeared around his neck and he staggered with a yelp; Dipper grasped the doorway's rim to steady himself and looked at his chest.

" _What?"_ He spluttered. "How did–when–how–why– _what?_ " He stumbled out of the doorway and into the hall.

"Pine Tree," Bill snapped again and the door slammed forwards, colliding against his back and throwing him to the floor.

"I don't believe I  _properly_  introduced myself."

Dipper, face smushed against the tiled floor, braced his elbows on the floor and made to push himself upright. The necklace seemed to add several extra pounds, however, and he could only lift his chin high enough to glare at the man.

"What kind of prank  _is_ this? Cause it's  _not_ funny."

Bill sauntered to the sprawled teen and kneeled. "Oh I  _assure_ you this is all very real," he grasped Dipper's chin, "and you won't be leaving  _anytime soon_."

Dipper's alarm bells screeched when fingers snapped and spots crept across his vision.

"I am  _Bill_  Cipher, a  _dream demon_  and I  _always_ get what I want _."_

He sank into the darkness.

~oOo~


	2. Starstruck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years after his first summer in Gravity Falls, Dipper stumbles across a starry-eyed Gideon Gleeful. Only, the man’s eyes are on him.
> 
> Pairing: Dipeon (one-sided)

Dipper pressed a fist against his cheek and tapped his fingers against the table top. His eyes skimmed the words on his phone, occasionally flicking towards the cashier.

"One hot chocolate for Dipper?" The employee called.

He perked, grasped his phone, and stood, the chair squeaking as it skidded across the tiles. Weaving through the milling crowd of standing and sitting patrons, he arrived at the counter and accepted the beverage.

"Thanks," he murmured and swept into the crowd, the steaming drink already pressed against his mouth.

He ventured to the door and glanced at his phone. One O' clock. He sighed and pocketed the device. He'd been stood up.  _Again._

A bell jingled but the chatter overwhelmed the noise. He reached for the knob.

"–we have, yes we–"

Staring at the ground, Dipper smacked face-first into a broad chest. The drink in his hands sloshed forwards, out of his hands and onto the blue-suited figure. Dipper gasped as the liquid bled into the suit and dripped to the floor.

"Shi–I'm sorry –I wasn't watching were I–here–let me–"

He scrambled for a napkin, wincing as he swiped some from a vacant table. Damn. If the stranger demanded money for cleaning then he'd be clean out of money. That suit looked  _expensive_ and out of his salary range.

An oddly familiar high-pitched voice chuckled. "Well if it isn't Dipper Pines."

The nineteen year old halted, arms over-flowing with the napkins. "What? Who–"

He craned his neck. Over a foot taller than him towered a smug face. Though the jawline was defined and baby fat gone, the signature high-gelled hair was still ever present.

Dipper stared. "…Gideon?" Disbelief colored his tone.

The platinum blond laughed, the southern twang noticeably faded in place of a less melodic accent. "Aw, you remember me!"

The teen spluttered. "You tried to–"

"Now  _Dipper,"_  his voice dropped and gaze narrowed, scrutinizing. "You simply  _must_ do something for  _ruining_ my best suit."

Dipper scoffed. "Not a chance, Gideon." He made to side-step the taller man, but Gideon just stepped in sync, blocking his path.

"I could  _force_ you to buy me another  _million dollar_ suit." The jerk began and Dipper gritted his teeth.

"Not a–"

"I  _am_ a  _wealthy_  business man. Who do you think can hire a better lawyer?"

"For a  _suit_  you–"

" _Or,"_ Gideon leaned in by his ear, cheek inches from his own, "I'll forget this ever happened–for a  _date._ "

Dipper retreated a step. "I am  _not_ forcing Mabel to–"

"I never said I wanted Mabel."

He paused, confusion rising. "Then who–"

"I want you."

The napkins tumbled from his hands.

~oOo~


	3. Pirated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper doesn’t think pirates exist. At least, not until he visits the beach and wanders onto a haunted ship. 
> 
> Billdip (one-sided)

Dipper laughed, batting the ocean’s surface to spray his sister with water. In response, Mabel dunked beneath the waves and tackled his stomach They tumbled to the shallow sand.

The nineteen year old resurfaced, spluttering through a laugh. “That’s cheating!

Mabel popped beside him, grinning. “You’re just mad because you _lost!”_

The teen huffed. “Wha _–no–_ I–“

_“Dipper!”_ His sister squealed, looking past his shoulder with bright eyes.

He twisted. “Wha–whoa!”

There, peeking out from behind a wall of rocks, waved a tattered flag. 

Dipper perked. “I bet it’s an old boat!”

“Ooo,” his twin cheered. “Maybe even a _pirate ship_ with real pirates!”

He scoffed and swam towards the wreckage. “Mabel, please, there aren’t any pirates in the US.”

His sibling stuck her tongue at him and promptly received a mouthful of salt water. “Aw, _gross!”_

Dipper laughed and curved around the rocks. He stopped, treading water. “ _Whoa…”_

He craned his neck to observe the marooned rickety old ship. The remains of the ship were _huge._ From ruined pillars to rotted flooring, the ship was the picture of a haunted ship. There were even black sails complete with an odd yellow triangle design.

But, the longer he stared, the more his unease drowned his curiosity. :Uh, Mabel? Maybe we shouldn’t go in there…”

“ _Pfft.”_ His sister dismissed. “Since when _don’t_ you check out a potential mystery? You _scared?”_

Dipper flushed. “ _No._ I just think it might be dangerous since it’s old.”

“Oh no!” Mabel waved her hands, sending droplets flying. “An abandoned old ship! So _scary!”_

The teen splashed his twin. “Quit it, Mabel! I’m _serious!”_

His sibling snorted. “Alright, scaredy-cat, but _I’m_ checking it out.”

He huffed as his sister swam around him. She boosted herself onto the shore and clambered across the rocks to venture into the ancient ship.

Dipper grumbled and pulled himself onto a nearby stone. “Sometimes I swear…”

Just as he stood, he heard a scream.

“ _Mabel.”_ He clenched his fists and scrambled across the shore. “I _hate it_ when I’m right.”

He stumbled onto the ship. Cupping his palms around his mouth, he shouted his twin’s name. When he heard a panicked response, he rushed to the source. He shoved aside fallen logs and planks to reveal a moldy door. He exhaled, grasped the knob, and tugged.

“Holy…”

“Sorry, Dipper.”

There were pirates.

He stared, color draining from his face as he fully absorbed the situation. His sister, trapped in the arms of a slender and tall blond wearing a triangle shaped eyepatch, mirrored his expression. Ruffians of all sizes lurked in the room, the features oddly lifeless in comparison to the grinning top hatted leader.

“Pine Tree,” the ghostly pale man holding his sister remarked, eyeing the designs on his trunks, “fitting, I suppose.”

He flushed and bristled. “Let her go.”

“Hmm…” The stranger pretended to contemplate, tapping his cane against the floor. “No.”

Dipper blinked. Where did the cane come from? He shook his head. Unimportant. He gritted his teeth.

“Let her go and we’ll leave.”

The oddly dapper man laughed, the tone tinged with mania. “Why would I let _either_ of you leave when you’ve _just_ arrived?”

Dread pooled in his stomach. “Oh?”

“In fact,” the man’s grin sharpened like a shark’s. “We’re going to have so much _fun.”_

_“Oh?”_ His voice squeaked.

“Welcome to ship of Bill Cipher.” The blond raised the hand holding the cane. “I’ll just borrow a bit of life force from both of you and…”

His hand erupted into glowing blue flames.

“…we can let this ship _sail.”_

Dipper blacked out.

~oOo~


	4. Code Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper thought Code Red would always be a drill. He was wrong. 
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

An alarm blared over the speakers. 

“Ah, there is is.” The teacher started. “Remember, they will have keys. We need to create a barricade strong enough to keep them from barging in _and_ togive us a place to hide.”

Like any other drill, the class burst into chatter as chairs squeaked against the tiled floor. Dipper lazily stood from his chair. Being closest to the door, he pushed in the lock and sidestepped his incoming classmates. He weaved through the moving crowd to the nearest untouched desk.

The nineteen year old grunted as he lifted the small desk when the weight rose out of his hands. He growled.

“Don’t wear yourself out, hon.” a voice with a southern twang trilled. “Let _me_ carry this for you.”

He craned his neck to glare at the speaker and crossed his arms. “I think I can handle myself just fine, Gideon.”

The bigger jerk tutted. “Of course you can. So long as I’m here to protect you.”

Dipper huffed. “I don’t need _protect—“_

A gunshot rang.

Silence and stillness descended. Dipper’s wide eyes met with Gideon’s equally wide gaze.

Dipper whispered. “Did you hear–“

Footsteps echoed outside of the room.

“Hide. _Now._ ” The teacher hissed, pointing to the corner of the room.

Gideon hurriedly but quietly placed the desk down and grabbed Dipper, dragging him into his chest. Despite his dislike for the teen, Dipper didn’t protest as the taller boy dragged him to the corner of the room with the rest of the rushing class. 

The group of students huddled against one another as the tapping neared. Dipper, squished between Gideon’s bulk and the wall, peered around the boy. His skin blanched when, in the silence of the room, a click resonated. Dipper’s eyes widened to rival the full moon as the door opened slowly. Then the door swung forwards with a loud bang, prompting gasps as the wood easily knocked aside the barricade of upturned desks and wall of chairs.

Eerie silence fell when, out from behind the door, stepped a dapper dressed man with a smile fit for a shark. He twirled a pistol like one would spin a cane.

“Which one of you humans is Dipper Pines?”

All eyes swiveled to look at the cowering and squashed teen.

“Hmm…” The man hummed. “So is it blondie or the wimp?”

Gideon stammered, pressing his back against Dipper’s chest before stuttering out, “I–I’m Dipper Pines.”  
Dipper darted his focus onto Gideon. “What do you think you’re _doing?”_ He hissed, feeling his heart race as the man’s smile stretched into a smirk.

“Saving you.” Gideon returned in a fervent whisper. “If anyone asks, you’re Gideon. Got it?”

Just as Dipper opened his mouth to reply, the stranger cut in. “My, my, having a conversation without me, hmm?”

The teen paled as he looked up. Inches from Gideon’s forehead was the barrel of the gun. 

“Um…” Gideon flinched. “What do you want from me?”

“You? Nothing.” The man backhanded Gideon’s cheek with the gun, sending the bulky teen sprawling and Dipper jerked after him. “But you…”

Dipper gasped when a gloved hand fisted the back of his shirt. The man yanked him to his feet and pinned his torso to a broad chest, the tip of the gun pressed against his temple. He trembled.

“Let him go!” Gideon held his cheek as he rushed to his feet.

The stranger just grinned. “I caught him, fair and square.”

Gideon spluttered. The man wrapped his arm around Dipper’s neck and, reflexively, Dipper gasped and clutched at the limb. Gideon paled.

“Don’t hurt him!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” The man retorted.

Gideon flicked his gaze across the room, searching for a weapon and stalling for time. “Who are you anyway?” 

“Bill Cipher!” The man cheerily replied, sweeping into a bow and by extension forcing Dipper to bow as well. “And I’m here to make a deal!”

Dipper’s stomach churned.

He was in for a whirl of trouble.

~oOo~


	5. Stood Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper’s date bailed. To make matters worse, the flirty waiter won’t leave him alone. 
> 
> Dipeon (one-sided)

A bell jingled as the teen pushed open the door to the nice restaurant. His gaze scoured the crowded room of finely dressed individuals but did not find the one he searched for. Checking his phone for the time, the tension in his shoulders eased. Just a bit early. 

"Why, _hello_ there, cutie." A southern twang greeted.

Dipper glanced up from his phone. A waiter, plump and tall with platinum blond hair gelled to the sky, grinned at him. He shifted uneasily beneath the stare and tried for a smile. 

"Um, table for two?"

"One menu for you," the waiter plucked a pair of the laminated papers from the podium, "and one for me."

Dipper's polite smile thinned. "Uh..."

"Who else would the second menu be for?" The waiter teased.

"Um, for my date?"

The stranger made a show of stepping out from behind the podium to peer around Dipper, standing awfully close. "But you're alone!"

"She'll be here in a bit." He retorted, feeling his agitation rise as he retreated a step.

The other teen clicked his tongue. "To be left waiting at such a refined place as this? A shame."

Dipper, self-conscious in the unfamiliar clothing of a button up shirt and black slacks, and without his hat, adjusted the cuffs of his shirt. "Just," he squirmed, "can you tell me how long the wait is?"

The waiter tutted. "You didn't make a reservation?"

He blushed. "Didn't have time."

" _Well,"_ the blond teen drawled, "you're lucky to have _me_ here! I can get you a table, _without_ a reservation.  Follow me."

Dipper sighed, shoulders relaxing. The waiter led him through the eating patrons until finally gesturing at a large round table lined with a booth. Dipper fidgeted with his cuff-links, eyeing the table clearly sized for a large group of people.

"You sure this is a table for two?" He glanced at the other, smaller, tables. "I don't think–-"

"Are you the one who works here or am I?" The teen returned hotly.

He stuttered to a stop. "You do."

"That's what I thought." The waiter grinned and placed the menus on the tabletop. "Now sit on down, hon. I'll be with you soon."

The teen swiveled on his heel and sauntered away, exaggeratedly swaying his hips. Dipper rolled his eyes but slid into the booth, making sure to sit on the side where the door was visible. He pulled out his phone from his pants back pocket and placed it atop the table's marble surface. He clicked the device but no messages had appeared. Unlocking the phone, he tapped a message and sent it. Hopefully she'd reply with how long she'd be.

He leaned forwards, bracing a fist against a cheek, and fiddled with his phone. Minutes passed when the booth dipped.

"Whoo," the familiar drawl cooed in his ear and he jumped. "Sorry it took so long. I had tah pull a few strings."

Dipper jerked away from the face _way_ to close to his own. He scooted away and shot the stranger a glare. Did the guy even _know_ about personal space?

"Now," the jerk puffed out his chest and slid to Dipper's side. "What would like tah drink? Water? Soda? Wine? Me?"

"Just some water." As the waiter's last words registered, his cheeks heated and he spluttered. "Oh, _ew!_ You are--"

"The man of your dreams?" The waiter offered.

"--disgusting." Dipper finished, glaring. "Not only am I _not_ bi, I have a date _and_ I'm not interested."

"Oh you don't mean that." The jerk batted his eyes. "You wouldn't even have a table if it weren't for me."

"Listen," he squinted at the stranger's nametag. " _Gideon._ I have a _date._ And _she_ should be here soon."

Gidon hummed a surprisingly clear note. "But _I'm_ already here. I could serenade you with a song."

Dipper edged away. "Yeah, no thanks. Could I have a different waiter? You're creeping me out."

The jerk pouted. "But--"

"Creeping. Me. Out."

"Ugh, _fine._ I'll get us some water."

He sighed as Gideon slipped away and out of the booth. Then he realized _what_ exactly the jerk said and groaned.

"This," he muttered, "is going to be a _long_ night."

~oOo~

The bell jingled. Dipper glanced at the swinging door, anxiously tapping his fingers against the tabletop. He bit his lip when, once again, the individual who stepped through the doorway was not the one he expected. Sighing, he poked his phone but the device had not buzzed in the last fifteen minutes,

"Maybe she's just late..." He murmured. 

"Or, hon," a southern twang trilled, "she stood you up."

Dipper sank in the chair and pushed his empty glass of water across the table and towards the speaker.

"Back off." He ground out. "I'm not in the mood."

"See," Gideon, ever relentless, tipped the pitcher to fill the glass. "You wouldn't have this problem if you'd just date me! I'll be faithful _and_ punctual!"

"I already told you, I'm not--"

Still refusing to heed the teen's rejections, Gideon pushed on and whipped out a small pad of paper from his apron. "Since she's _clearly_ not comin', what would ya like tah eat?"

Dipper grumbled. "Chicken wings."

Gideon halted, pen hovering above the first sheet of parchment. His eye twitched. "Ya gonna eat _chicken wings_ at a place like this?"

"It's on the menu!" The teen countered.

Gideon eyed him flatly. "The _children's_ section."

Dipper huffed. "Can I have it or not?"

The waiter muttered to himself. Dipper blinked. Did he hear that right?

"What?"

Gideon cleared his throat. "It's a good thing you're cute." 

Dipper blushed, embarrassed. "Uh."

"So chicken wings for you," the waiter scribbled, "and a plate of spaghetti for me, which we can share and by the way you're paying."

Before Dipper had the chance to respond, Gideon whisked away with a giggle. He sighed, sank deeper into the cushions, and dropped his forehead onto the tabletop.

"Why me?" He whined. "Why?"

Too soon, the flirty waiter returned and sat beside him. He gritted his teeth and scooted away.

"Don't you have other people to bother or tables to serve?"

"You're the only one for me." Gideon cooed and leaned close. "And technically my shift was over after I sat you down. So no, I have no other tables to wait." 

Dipper spluttered and leaned away. "Well, uh..."

"So _technically_ you can consider this our first date!"

"What? _No!"_ He protested. "I already told you I'm--"

"Guess I outta check up on our food!" Gideon interrupted with exuberant cheer as he stood and sauntered off. "Don't miss me too much!"

Dipper sagged. "I am _never_ coming back here." He muttered.

Once again, he fiddled with his phone, hoping beyond hope his supposed date had texted him. Upon checking that she had not, in fact, contacted him, he heaved another sigh.

"This sucks." He slouched and stretched his legs beneath the table. "Maybe I should just--no, I already ordered, damn."

Picking up his phone, Dipper tapped the screen until he finally opened an application. Maybe a game would soothe the ache of being stood up. He slid his finger across the screen, swiping the digital tiles around and steadily completing the puzzle.

Warm air brushed by his cheek. "What cha playin’?”

Dipper would forever deny that the sound his voice made was an unholy shade of a high pitched screech. Where the hell did the jerk come from? He dropped his phone onto his lap and jerked away. Gideon had the nerve to laugh.

“Whoo, there, didn’t mean ta scare ya but the food’s here. Don’t want it to get cold, now do ya?”

Dipper’s heart slowly stopped hammering at his chest. He exhaled heavily, and shot the smug jerk a withering glare. Gideon just laughed louder.

He was right.

“C’mon. Dig in!”

It really _was_ going to be a _long_ night.


	6. On Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper’s house goes up in smoke and there’s just one demon around to save him.
> 
> Billdip (one-sided)

Alright. He could _do_ this. 

Heabsently pushed aside his sibling’s purring cat with his foot. “Not now, Oreo. I’m busy.”

Cooking was a simple task, right?

“Okay.” Dipper glared at the instructions on the back of the box. “So heat the water until it boils. Right. Okay. I can do that.”

He spun the knob on the stove. Fire lit from the metal surface of the stove and he placed the pan sloshing with water atop the metal. Mabel’s kitten rubbed against his pant leg but he ignored the furry little nuisance.

“So…” his eyes skimmed the words. “After the water boils, pour in the macaroni.”

He nodded to himself. That sounded feasible. But whoo he needed fresh air. This was a work out! He crossed the room and opened the window facing the street and returned to the counter, chest puffed with pride. He didn’t need help to work the kitchen. Not at all. Easy peasy. He placed the box atop the counter beside the stove and turned to open the fridge. The annoying fur-ball meowed and pawed his pants. Once again, he ignored the critter.

“So I’m going to need…oh, man…” Where was the milk?

He bit his lip, eyeing the stove. Peering at the water, he debated internally. It wasn’t even close to boiling and the store was just at the corner of his block. It wouldn’t hurt to leave for five minutes, right?

He rubbed his arm. He’d heard of people’s houses accidentally being set on fire by leaving their stove unattended. But he was just boiling water! Surely, even if the flame were to go out of control and the water overflowed, the water would douse the flames. Right?

Besides, he’d only be gone for five minutes. That’s about the amount of time for water to boil, right? Right.

Dumb decision made, Dipper turned the knob onto a lower setting. He bustled out of the kitchen, the black and white kitten hot on his heels. Winding into the living room, Dipper rushed to the couch, grasped his jacket, and threw it on. Tugging the clothing, he patted the pockets. Good, he nodded as he heard the familiar jingling, his keys were there. 

But did he have enough cash? He pulled out his wallet while walking to the door, internally counting the money. A familiar tugging on his pants caused him to halt and roll his eyes.

Crouching, he absently patted the glaring cat. “Be good.” He murmured.

He straightened, habitually ignoring the beady little stare. Checking his wallet and pocket once again, he opened the door.

The little monster yowled and he cringed as claws sunk through his pants.

“Demon cat.” He muttered, exchanging a heated glare with the angry little fuzzball. “I already fed you.”

The cute monstrosity just narrowed its eyes further. He scoffed, pried off the cat, gently placed it on the floor…and darted out the door before the little demon could escape. He laughed.

“Score one to Dipper!” He cheered to the howling cat inside the house. “Score zero for the demon cat!”

The sweet sound of angry defeat followed him down the steps and onto the pavement until the cat’s meows faded with distance. Man, the little brat had a serious set of vocals. Oh, but he needed to hurry.

Shaking off his mirth, he quickened his pace and power walked along the sidewalk. Oddly enough, dread started to pool in his stomach. 

Not soon enough, he arrived at the store and bustled in, hurriedly grabbing milk and rushing to the cashier. By the time he finished and had strode out of the store, the unease had increased into a raging fervor.

Something was wrong.

Trusting his instincts, for they had saved him numerous times from monsters, he sprinted home. Eyes wide, he skidded to a halt in front of the quaint colorful building. Did he smell smoke? He approached the house and squinted. Faint wisps of gray rose from an open window.

Inhaling sharply, he dropped the grocery bag. That _had_ to be smoke! The little monster had set the house on fire! He rushed forwards but a force grasped the back of his shirt, stopping him short.

“Ah, ah, ah!” A voice, high-pitched and _way_ to cheery, scolded. “Charging into burning buildings is a _bad idea_ , Pine Tree.”

“My cat!” He shouted, struggling against the grip. “I need to save him!”

“And get yourself killed in the process?” The speaker retorted.

“Let me go! He’ll _die_ in there, Bill!”

The dapper demon masquerading as a human huffed and hauled him backwards. “If the little beast is _so_ important to you, then let _me_ get it…for a price.”

“Forget it!” Dipper squirmed free and barreled forwards. “I’ll save him myself!”

Bill swore as the teen flung open the door and sped into the kitchen. “Godamnit, Pine Tree!” He raced after Dipper.

“Oreo?” Dipper called, frantic. “ _Oreo!”_

Oh hell, where was the little guy? 

“Please be okay.” He muttered, lifting the collar of his shirt to cover his nose and mouth as he sprinted to the kitchen and thus the source of the fire. He paled.

“Oh…” He coughed, staring dumbstruck at the sight.

It seemed a fiery inferno had erupted from the stove. He shook his head. Where was Oreo? He coughed and dropped his gaze to the floor. Promptly, his skin blanched to an unhealthy shade of white. Oh no…

“Oreo? His lungs constricted.

There, too still on the kitchen tiles, lay the smoke covered kitten. Water pricked the corners of his eyes and he coughed, rushing forwards. The fire raged and the heat seemed to reach a boiling point as he neared, but he knelt beside the cat and cradled it in his arms. Faintly, he could see the layer of sooty fur sink then rise. Hope welled in his chest. They needed to get out. Just as he stood, blackness spotted across his vision.

“Shi…” he swore, stumbling and sweating.

Just as his balance tipped and he fell forwards, expecting a collision with the heated tiles, arms wrapped around his shoulders and he sank into the hold.

“You idiot.” Bill muttered. “I could’ve lost you.”

He fainted.

 


	7. Digging Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The student archeologist Dipper Pines didn’t expect an ancient artifact to be enchanted. Or that he would accidentally summon a demon.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

“Dipper Pines, I swear, we’re _not_ going to find anything!”

The nineteen year old wiped his sweating brows with a frown. “Gideon–“

“No, Dipper, we’ve been excavating this place for _days_ and haven’t found a _thing._ We are _wasting_ our time here! Everything’s that can be found _has been_ found!”

Dipper frowned, shifting to a kneeling position on the rocky, dusty ground. “But the professors–“

“Have had their fill of laughs! We should just change our culture research project while there’s still time!”

The college kid scowled and placed the tools in his hand to the ground. “I never asked you to work with me. And if I remember correctly,” he jabbed a finger at the glaring teen, “ _you_ practically drooled out that you were willing to do _any project I chose._ And I chose to explore the origin of the triangular symbol of the illuminati and if there is any connection to the Egyptian pyramids!”

The blond flung his arms out to his sides. “And you chose _the middle of nowhere_ as your location sight?”

“If you have a problem,” Dipper huffed and spun away from the overheated jerk, “then do your _own_ project!”

“Maybe I will!” Gideon retorted.

“Good!”

“Fine!” 

As Gideon stormed away, Dipper leaned back onto his hands and dug his fingers into the uneven rock. What a _jerk!_ So what if the site had already been excavated before? It’s possible the previous archeologists had missed something! He had a good feeling about the site!As he put more weight onto the stone, it shifted beneath him and he gasped, unbalanced. Geeze, he needed to be more care– _ow!_

He waved his hand before bringing his palm close for inspection. He blinked upon seeing a small slit, the size of a paper cut, of blood on his index finger. Odd. He turned and studied the rock. Nope, just an ordinary rock now smeared with blood. He sighed, dejected and grabbed the stone with his other hand.

“Just great.” He muttered. “This is pointless.”

He tossed the rock and drew his knees to his chest. When the stone landed with an odd _clang_ he perked. What was that? He clambered over various rocks to find the source of the metallic sound. Between two large slanted stones rested a red smeared rusty triangle but no bloody rock in sight.

Dipper blinked. The blood looked fresh but how could his blood be on the triangle if it was the rock that had cut his finger? Shrugging, because he finally _found_ something, even if it was a corroded metal ring bent in the shape of triangle which someone probably dropped, he picked up the triangle.

And then, out of thin air in the middle of the rusted triangular ring, opened an eye.

Dipper shrieked and dropped the item like it was on fire. “What the hell was that!”

He backpedaled from the item because _holy hell it was_ _glowing now._ He scrambled away from the brightening object and started to turn. Just _what_ _was going–_ was that an earthquake?

“W- _whoa!”_ Dipper gasped as the ground rumbled and seemed to drop out from beneath him. 

He lunged forwards as the ground cracked and he tumbled to the floor. The ground split and light erupted from the surface, blinding him and he flinched, shutting his eyes. High pitched laughter resounded as the light dimmed and Dipper slowly opened his eyes.

“Whoo! It’s been awhile since I’ve been outside the mindscape!”

He gasped and fumbled for his phone. Punching in the familiar number, he struggled for coherency when the angry speaker answered.

“G–Gideon!” Dipper yelped. “You’ve gotta see this!”

Static crackled. “Not falling for it, hon!”

“ _Please!”_ His voice cracked. “You won’t believe me otherwise!”

“Who are you talking to?”

Dipper paled when the humanoid tux wearing stranger swooped through the air and landed in front of him. He nearly dropped his phone when the grinning human looking man thing grasped his chin and tilted his head. He shook. Oh hell, what did he _do?_ Where did the guy even _come_ from? How did he _fly?_ Just _what was going on?_

The man brought his face close and his breath ghosted over Dipper’s rosy cheeks. “What’s the name behind this lovely face?”

“D–Dipper…” Dipper breathed, eyes wide like a deer in the headlights. 

The man grinned. “I’m Bill. Bill Ci–“

“Get away from him!”

“– _iiiiipher!”_

Dipper gasped as a blue clothed figure skidded to a halt after barreling into the stranger. Bill, apparently, was sent sailed ungracefully through the air until he floated to a halt. He adjusted his top hat and folded his arms behind his back, hovering slowly to the ground with a scowl firmly set on his face.

“Why would you do that, you brat?”

Gideon stepped protectively in front of Dipper and shot back. “Who the hell are you?”

The man tutted. “ _Rude._ But if you _must_ know, I am Bill. Bill Cipher. And who are you? _”_

“Gideon.” He returned. “Now _what_ are you?”

Bill’s shoes clicked against the rock. “My, you _are_ a rude one! I want to speak with Dipper over there. He’s _much_ more fun.”

“You’re not getting within _five feet_ of him.” Gideon countered heatedly.

Dipper frowned. Hey, didn’t he get a say? Not that he didn’t agree with Gideon, but still.

“Oh really?” Bill challenged with a grin.

Dipper paled when wind brushed past them and suddenly Bill was looming above him. 

“I am an demon and I know lots of things…oh yes, lots of things…”

Dipper swallowed harshly. “Is that so?”

“You bet!”

Gideon frowned and tugged Dipper away from the weirdo and behind him. Dipper scowled but nonetheless stayed behind Gideon.

“Hey.” Dipper started as an idea started to form. “Think they’ll believe _this_ at the college?”

Gideon just shot him a glare.


	8. Kisses and Other Sweets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentines day as just like any other day...until Dipper's buried beneath a locker full of gifts from a pair of secret admirers.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon

The eighteen year old rolled his eyes. “Mabel, you  _know_ there isn’t a chance that either of those two like me.” ****

They strolled down the crowded hall, weaving between fellow students, as his sibling flailed her sweater covered hands.

“Aw, _c’mon_ Dippin’ Dot! It’s _Valentines_ Day! If anything, they’ll be all over you soon enough!”

Dipper frowned. “But I haven’t seen them all day and classes are almost over!” He arrived at his locker. “I’m telling you–“

The teen opened the door…

…and a cascade of chocolate, candy, and envelopes tumbled out, burying him beneath the pink and red wrapped gifts.

Hastily, Dipper popped his head free of the flood. “What in the world…?”

Mabel, watching with wide eyes, steadily grinned and grasped one of the envelopes. “To Dipper, from–“ she squealed. “Your Secret Admirer!”

Dipper struggled to free a hand and swiped two of the notes, studying the distinctly different handwritings. “That’s odd…”

Hope flickered but he ruthlessly squashed the feeling. Just because the signatures were different on the two envelopes didn’t mean they were from who he thought. Shaking his head, he clenched his fist, accidentally crumbling the notes in his hand. He sighed and uncurled his hand, unaware of a pair of passing blonds. Knowing his luck, he was probably just being pranked by his usually bullies.

“This is it, Dippingsauce!” Mabel cheered, startling him out of his thoughts. “This could be from them!”

“I dunno Mabel… This could just be a prank.”

She frowned. “I doubt your bullies would–“

“I don’t wanna get my hopes up, Mabel.”

Once again and without the twins notice, two blond seniors among the crowd strolled past. Dipper sighed and rubbed his arm.

Mabel perked. “Well even if it _is_ a prank and not from you-know-who then at least you just got some free sweets!”

The teen cracked a smile for his sister but couldn’t stifle the disappointed tone. “Yeah, I guess so…”

His sister outstretched a hand and he accepted the help. She pulled him to his feet and together they gathered the scattered paper and food and stuffed most of them into his backpack.

The teen shouldered his bag and fumbled with opening a heart shaped box. “Want some?” He crumpled the plastic casing and lifted the lid.

Mabel pumped a fist into the air and swiped some of the wrapped chocolate. Even though she had already received a ridiculous amount of gifts and sugar from various students, he figured he might as well share. He grabbed a textbook and shut his locker then plucked one of the chocolates. Unwrapping the candy, he plopped it into his mouth and hummed, pleasantly surprised by the taste.

Together, the twins pushed through the crowd and exited the building. Dipper frowned when a blur of blue and yellow passed in the corner of his vision. Unease welled in his gut.

“Hey, Mabel…” 

His sibling turned to him with her cheeks stuffed and hummed.

“You go on ahead, I think I forgot something in my locker.”

She nodded cheerily and waved farewell. When she curved around the school building, he stepped away from the entrance and headed in the opposite direction, warily watching the corner of his vision.

True to his worries, the blue and yellow followed. He thinned his lips and stopped. Oh this better not be what he feared…

“Alright. Would you two come out from behind the trashcan and tell me why you're following me?”

The pair of blond teenagers shuffled into sight with sheepish grins. Dipper crossed his arms, fighting down a blush. Oh gosh, why did they have to look so attractive? Bill and his crooked grin and Gideon with his little smile…Dipper tried not to swoon. But he had to focus! He had to be sure he wasn’t about to have his heart be broken.

“We, uh, we were just wondering who sent you all that sappy stuff.” Bill’s grin stretched and Dipper’s heart sank.

“Oh…” Slowly, realization clicked. “Wait a minute…”

He scowled, heart breaking in two. He’d been pranked, hadn’t he? 

“Did you two do this?” He growled.

Gideon blinked “Um–“

His sorrow flared into fury. How _dare_ they! They knew, didn’t they? They _knew_ he liked them! How _dare_ they mess with his feelings like that! They were no better than the jerks who routinely bullied him!

”You think it's _funny_ to play with my feelings?" He stabbed Bill’s chest with a finger. "You think pranking someone with gifts is _funny,_ do you?” He whirled on Gideon. “I bet you two dunces _know_ I like you two and you jerks did this on purpose just to mess with me!”

He pulled away, expression hurt. “I thought you two were better than that.” Dipper turned away, blinking back tears. “I am _out_ of here.”

A gloved hand curled around his wrist and spun him around. Lips, warm and smooth, pressed against his cheek and he stopped short.

“Wha…”

Bill blabbed to the stuttering, rosy teen. “I’m sorry you thought that we pranked you. We just– _we_ sent all that stuff to you and we meant–I–I don’t know how else I can prove to you that we like you and not just _like_ you but _like_ like you! And–I’m sorry, we’ll go now and–“

Dipper rocked up onto his toes and pressed his lips to Bill’s, effectively quieting the babbling teen. He pulled back and smooched Gideon on the cheek.

“So…” he rolled back onto his heels and averted his gaze.

Shyly he looked up at the wonderstruck teens.

“Will you be my Valentine?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, totally breaking my "only one-sided" rule but oh well I wanted to share something on Valentines day.


	9. Downward Spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hunter becomes the hunted when, after accidentally hurting himself, the vampires Dipper tracks turn and track him instead.

Grass crumpled beneath his feet as the nineteen year old prowled through the forest, eyes wide. With the full-moon lighting the way, the teen picked his way through the minefield of foliage. Wind breezed through the trees, rustling leaves, and the nightlife shifted, a background noise to Dipper’s ears.

He had his mind set on one thing and one thing only.

Vampires.

Oddly enough, the journal didn’t have much information on the species but _he_ was going to change that. He’d be sure to record his findings on the vampire’s habits and haunts. He’d learn everything he could and catalogue it all because he was a Mystery Twin, hunter and researcher of all things mysterious and–

_“Whoa!”_ Dipper tripped on a protruding root and tumbled forwards.

He smacked, palms first, against the dirt and rock covered ground. He hissed as the rocks slit his hand and blood oozed from the wound. Sighing, Dipper sucked on the wound, cringing at the metallic and taste, then leaned over and spat out the dirt. A rather inefficient form of cleaning, he knew, but he hadn’t brought his first aid kit. Had he known he would wind up tracking vampires then he would have, but oh well, the wound wasn’t _that_ bad and he could alway disinfect it when he returned–

Something rustled.

His ears pricked and eyes widened as a sleek black loafer stepped into sight, dangerously close to his nose. He swallowed harshly as he craned his neck, up and up, and up to see…

A fanged grin on an alabaster skinned face greeted him. “Hello there~”

Dipper screamed and jolted, shoving himself onto his rear and scrambled backwards. The blond with an eyepatch stalked after him, wearing a predatory smile. The teen’s heart pounded. This wasn’t part of the plan! He wasn’t actually supposed to _encounter_ the vampire just yet! He wasn’t prepared! He wasn’t–

His back collided against a surface that was distinctly _not_ as rough as bark. He paled and twisted, lifting his chin. His jaw dropped.

Two? _Two_ vampires?

The poofy haired blond looming above him stretched his lips, revealing glinting fangs. Dipper grimaced and made to crawl away but a clawed fingernails thudded onto his shoulder, stopping him short. Eyes wide, he shook off the hand and pushed himself to his feet.

The first vampire sauntered forwards, blocking his path and backed him against the chest of the second vampire. 

“Umm…” Dipper began and trailed off as he felt the blonds’ gazes rove across his form. “Hi?”

“I’m Bill Cipher,” the eye-patch wearer purred and outstretched a hand.

Dipper scrunched his face and leaned away only to bump into the other vampire. 

“Won’t you come home with Gideon and I?” Bill stepped closer, sandwiching him.

“Yeah, _no…_ ” Dipper made to side-step but Gideon blocked his path by looping an arm around torso.

Icy, sharp tips hovered over the nape of his neck and he gasped.

Oh _hell_ no.

Thinking quickly, the teen whipped his elbow behind him, nailing Gideon in the head and breaking the hold. Hastily, he broke into a run and sprinted deeper into the forest, the vampires hot on his heels.

The angry hisses of the blonds seemed to fade with distance and Dipper slowed, curving behind a tree. Panting, he lifted his chin to study the tree and nodded to himself. Launching himself at the nearest and thickest branch, he clung on and pulled himself up. Hastily, he plastered himself to the bark and shimmied up the surface.

He arrived at the next highest branch just in time too, as the vampires appeared below him. He held his breath.

“He couldn’t have gotten far!” Bill growled. 

GIdeon stomped his foot. “And his blood smelled so _delightful!_ I can’t believe we–do you smell that?”

Dipper’s breath hitched. His hand. Oh crud, his _hand._

“Yeah,” Bill grinned, raising his head. “And I hear our little runaway too.”

Gideon followed the blond’s gaze and grinned when he spotted Dipper. “Found you.” He purred.

Frantically, Dipper attached himself to the trunk and climbed. The vampires followed with widening grins. His heart hammered as he reached the top. _Crap crap crap crap–_

“Nowhere left to run, hon.” Gideon outstretched one hand, grasping the branch Dipper stood on.

Dipper puffed his chest and narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t becoming a vampire. _No way._ Leaning against the bark to steady himself, he stomped on Gideon’s reaching hand.

The branch cracked.

Dipper met Gideon’s crimson stare with wide eyes.

The branch broke.

Dipper tumbled with the wood, screaming bloody murder as he fell. Gideon tried to catch the teen but missed and Dipper plummeted to ground below…

...until a clawed hand snagged the back of his shirt.

“Idiot.” Bill growled and hauled the teen onto his shoulder.

Now much closer to the ground, and no longer at a deadly height, Dipper flailed as the vampire hopped off the low branch. Grunting as he landed, Bill adjusted his hold on the loudly protesting teen.

“Lemme go!” Dipper pounded his fists against the blond’s back. “Put me down!”

“Yeesh, you’re a loudmouth.” Bill rolled his eyes and shook him.

Instead of quieting, Dipper only struggled more but the vampire’s grip was firm. The stranger set off with the teen in tow.

The brunet wriggled. “Where are you taking me?”

“To a dungeon.” Bill snorted. “To our _home,_ what do you _think,_ you numbskull?”

Dipper squawked. “Let me go this instant!”

“Oh he’s so _cute!”_ Gideon cooed, trotting behind Bill to pat Dipper’s cheek.

Dipper snarled and swiped at the vampire. Gideon dodged the attack and grinned.

“Feisty! Just the way I like ‘em!” He laughed. “I’m sure you’ll taste delicious and then…” he sighed dreamily, “you’ll be with us forever…”

Dipper paled and renewed his struggles. “No! I’m _not–”_

“Here we are!” Bill cheered.

Heart sinking, Dipper pushed himself more upright to peer around Bill’s shoulder. He frowned, mind whirring.

“I’ve never seen this cabin before…”

Bill snorted. “I should hope not. Our home has invisibility spells casted on it so we won’t be found.”

The teen thinned his lips as he processed the information. Slowly, his complexion blanched further.

“Wait...so your cabin is _invisible during the day?”_

“Yep!” Gideon chirped as he strode up the steps leading to the porch. “And guess where _you_ get to stay!”

Dipper swallowed harshly. “Uh, the Mystery Shack? My home? Anywhere _except_ here?”

“Wrong!” Bill sang as Gideon opened the door. “You’re staying with us…”

Bill crossed the threshold and Gideon shut the door behind them.

“...forever!” Gideon finished.

 


	10. Notice the Notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper didn’t want to be dragged to a concert. He also didn’t want to fall in love with the pair of singers he knew were out of his league.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week: A Twisted Time has been moved to it's own document.
> 
> Next week: Unexpected Affection will be moved to my darker set of oneshots called Devastation Compilation.

“Mabel,” the nineteen year old groaned, digging his heels into the carpet. “I don’t want to go to the dumb concert!”

“It’s not _dumb,_ Dippingsauce!” Mabel protested, pressing her side against his stubborn back. “Now c’mon or we’ll be late!”

“Why can’t Candy or Grenda go? Or–or even _Pacifica?”_ He spun away and Mabel stumbled.

His sister threw her fists to her side and poofed her cheeks. “They’re busy!”

“Doing _what?”_ He crossed his arms.

“Either way they can’t go! So,” she clasped her palms together, “won’t you _please_ go with me?”

Dipper narrowed his eyes, “oh no, don’t give me the–”

Mabel widened her eyes and furrowed her brows, pouting.

“–puppy eyes.” He sighed. _“Fine.”_

_“Yay!”_ She cheered. “Now let’s go go go!”

He rolled his eyes as she snagged his bicep and dragged him out of the Mystery Shack. “So how exactly did you get the tickets anyway?”

“Lottery!” She chirped.

“Of course…”

They hurried to the center of the town where the open-air stage stood. Mabel shoved through the gathered crowd, easily slipping between the bodies while Dipper struggled to be as graceful and not smash into any of the strangers. A hype woman sprinted onto the stage just as the twins settled in the front of the set. 

_“Whooooo’s ready for the smash, the bash, and the rumbling crash from the_ **_Double Trouble?”_ **

The young crowd roared and stomped their feet, cheering. _“Double Trouble! Double Trouble! Double Trouble!”_

_“You’ve asked and they’ve heard. Please welcome the band!”_

She rushed off the stage and smoke erupted from a pair of containers, covering the stage in fog. Footsteps clicked and shadows shifted behind the smoke. Then, with a burst of air, the smoke swept away to reveal the band.

The blond clad in a blinding yellow button-up dress shirt grinned and adjusted the microphone near his mouth with one hand while the other rose to the sky. _“Hello! Hello! Gravity Falls, it’s good to be here!”_

The second, platinum haired blond, beamed when the crowd cheered. Rolling up the cuffs of his light blue cardigan, the second blond tapped a key on his electric piano hanging from his shoulder strap and spoke into his own ear-connected microphone. _“Just a reminder, ya’ll, but after the show we’ll be giving out autographs to those with tickets! I’m Gideon and that’s Bill! Now let’s get this party_ ** _started!”_**

As the crowd hooted and hollered, Bill strode to the vacant drumset and sat down. Twirling the drumsticks in his bare hands, the young man tapped out the starting beat.

_“And a one, two, three, four!”_ He chanted.

The concert began.

And Dipper’s heart raced

_Crud._ He thought, gaze alternating between staring at Gideon and then Bill and absorbing the picture. Why did they have to be so _hot?_ His breath hitched the longer he stared. Gideon just...the light blue cardigan just hugged his figure and–and the navy blue scarf just complimented his eyes and–and his jeans just accented his hips coupled with the adorably light blue shoes and–the way his hands just danced across the keyboard and his hair looked _so soft_ and _oh my..._

And _Bill._ Dipper’s eyes dilated. Hair so blond it was almost _yellow_ was slicked back to a sharp degree, and the rolled up sleeves just drew his eyes to the muscles in his slender, drumming arms, and the smug wide grin on his tan cheeks just made those brown eyes _flare_ with excitement. And–and though he only had a moment to see the bottom half of black slacks and loafers, Dipper knew for _certain_ Bill had a set of highly attractive legs.

Dipper practically drooled. They were so _attractive_ with their oddly high-pitched but warm voices!

“Dip–dot? Why are you turning red?”

His sister’s question made reality crash like a wave.

They were _out of his league._

He frowned and rubbed his arm. “It’s nothing, Mabel, just...just another problem.”

She thinned her lips. “Dipping _sauce_ I didn’t bring you out here to mope! You were supposed to be having fun!”

And a part of him _was_ having fun, but she didn’t need to know _what_ part _exactly._ He sighed and shuffled his feet.

“It’s nothing.” He insisted.

Mabel scowled. “I’ll get it out of you, just you wait! But try to enjoy this while you can, alright?”

Scrunching his face, he relented. “Fine, fine…” 

He supposed he could enjoy staring at the works of art for awhile longer… Shifting his gaze up, he jerked.

Oh _crap._ Gideon was staring at him! When their gazes met, the blond winked. Dipper’s cheeks heated and he hastily averted his eyes and swallowed. Tugging on his collar, because _whoo_ was it hot or just him, he ducked his head and lifted his gaze to the drummer.

Bill kept his stare on the drums and Dipper eased. Whoo, he could continue ‘studying’ the young man’s features without being caught.

_“Ohhhhhh,”_ Mabel’s voice broke through his reverie. “You’re _blushing!_ Bill and Gideon _are_ pretty smexy, aren’t they, bro–bro?”

Dipper spluttered. “Shhh, _Mabel!”_

“Dipper likes Bill~ Dipper likes Gideon~” She sang, voice thankfully overwhelmed by the sound of the band.

The teen rushed to cover his noisy sibling’s mouth with a hand but she skipped out of reach and merged with the crowd. His eyes widened. _Crap_. Where’d she go? With his sibling no longer present and deciding she’d find _him,_ the teen returned his attention to the singers.

The songs played on until they drew to a close and Gideon announced. _“Oh my goodness, ya’ll have been a_ fantastic _audience today. Thank ya’ll so much for listening! I look forwards to seeing some of you in just a bit!”_

Dipper sighed. Welp, staring at them was fun while it lasted. As the crowd shifted and somes stagehand carried chairs and a table onto the stage, he made to leave when a hand thudded onto his shoulder. He yelped and twisted out of the grip only to find his laughing twin to be the culprit.

“C’mon, Dippin’ Dot!” She pulled a sparkly pink notebook from beneath her knitted sweater. “Let’s go get some autographs!”

The teen blinked, startled, as his sibling dragged him to be first in line. He floundered, unsure what to do, when a line gathered behind them and the blonds, already seated with pens in their hands, waved him over.

“Hop on, on stage, hon!” Gideon called.

Bill twirled a sharpie with a grin. “We don’t bite!”

Dipper stammered as his sibling shoved the notebook into his hands and pushed him on stage. Instead of being a moral support, she stayed on ground level rather than following him on stage. Ducking his head with cheeks flaming, he rushed to the table and flipped to a random page.

“Uh…” Horror registered when he realized the notebook was _pink._ “Um…” 

As his skin turned a deep shade of scarlet, the blonds just laughed and breezily turned the book and signed their names, finishing with flair.

“Call us when you get the chance.” Bill winked with a sly grin then called. “Next!”

“But I–” Dipper protested but Mabel sprinted onto the stage and dragged him off.

“Lemme see, lemme see!” She chanted and Dipper, with his cheeks burning, handed her the notebook.

“It’s just their signatures, what’s the big deal?” He averted his gaze.

She stopped short when she flipped to the correct page. “Dipper…” she breathed.

He looked over, brows furrowed, when she _squealed._

“They gave you their _number!”_ She stage-whispered. “They wanna _talk to you!_ You can _finally_ get a date!”

While his sibling danced in place, he snatched the book from her and scanned the words. His eyes widened and his blush deepened.

_“Really?”_ He squeaked. “They wanna talk to _me?”_

Resisting the urge to dance like his twin, he closed the book with _dignity_ and returned it to his sibling. He’d celebrate later–as soon as he was out of sight. Mabel wildly waved at the blonds before grasping Dipper’s arm and dragging him away.

“So? So? Are you gonna call them?” She stopped next to Greasy’s Diner.

He fidgeted in place. “I’m not sure…” 

He was curious, he’d admit that. But to call _them?_ That meant _he’d_ be making the first move and he wasn’t sure he could do that.

“ _C’mon_ Dippin’ Dot!” She coaxed. “It’ll be _fun!”_

_“Well…”_ He pulled out his phone from his back pocket. “I guess I could…but in an hour! They should be done by then, right?”

Mabel squealed. “Dipper’s gonna get a date!”

“Mabel!”

~oOo~

An hour passed and Dipper, sitting on the couch within the Mystery Shack with Mabel squished next to him, tapped the screen of his phone. He inhaled, and clicked the ‘call’ option.

Two rings passed when a southern twang answered. “Hello?”

Dipper practically melted right there but his twin elbowed his side and he perked. “U–uh…”

He darted his gaze onto his sibling and whispered. “I don’t know what to _say!”_

“Oh, hi, hon.” Gideon chirped. “You’re the peach Bill and I gave our numbers to aren’t you?”

“Uh–uh…”

“My, you sure have a way with words!” The speaker teased and Dipper blushed.

“Um…”

Mabel offered in a strategic stage-whisper. “Tell him your name!

“Is that your sister?” Gideon asked with a laugh. “She sounds like a sweetheart. I’m guessing that bright notebook was hers and not yours, huh, hon?”

“Y–yeah…” Dipper stammered. “Um, well, I’m Dipper.”

“Gideon Gleeful, at your service. _Hey–”_

Static crackled as the phone presumably shifted hands and a high-pitched laugh echoed from his phone. “And _I’m_ Bill Cipher!”

The teen squeaked. “I–I’m Dipper...Dipper Pines…”

“Pleasure to meet you, Dipper!” Bill laughed wildly. “Gideon and I have a lot of free time right now. Let’s go and do something together!”

The brunet’s next squeak went octave higher. “R–really?”

“Yep!” Bill chirped then added with a whisper that he probably wasn’t supposed to hear. “Stop it, Gleeful, you’ve had your turn to talk.”

Distantly, Dipper heard a, “but it’s _my_ phone!”

Bill’s voice returned with an enthusiastic. “Meet you at Kathy’s Coffee in an hour!”

Dipper’s heart raced. “Um, okay…”

“Great! It’s a date!”

His breath hitched and a smile spread as the call ended.

He was in for a joyride.


	11. Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper hated having social anxiety. It made the ordinary activity of going to a crowded mall hellish. Even worse, two kiosk owners insist on talking to him.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit: RoseJennison came up with the story idea!
> 
> Unexpected Affection has been moved to Devastation Compilation.

 

The nineteen year old’s heart hammered and sweat beaded down his temple. Every time someone bumped into him, he cringed. Hunching in on himself, he tightened his grip on his sibling’s hand. Steadfast, he studied the tiled flooring.

He swallowed harshly, keeping his head down. “Can we go now?”

“Just a sec, Dippin’ Dot!” His sibling chirped. “I just spotted the crafts store and–oh my gosh!”

He looked up, brows furrowed and paled. So…many…people… Inwardly, he whimpered. Hastily seeking a distraction, he diverted his attention onto his twin.

“What…?” He asked, throat dry.

“Artsy Fartsy is _going out of business!_ We’ve gotta save it, Dipper! C’mon!”

His sibling shoved through the crowd and he struggled to keep up. Palm clammy, his eyes widened. 

“Wait, Mabel!” He called, hand slipping.

The crowd pulsed and someone squeezed past him. His sister’s hand slipped through his fingers and he gasped.

_“Mabel!”_ He yelped.

_Oh no, oh no no no._ He bit his lip and rocked onto his tip toes, trying to see above the crowd but everyone was so much godamned _taller than him and bigger than him and squishing him and he couldn’t breathe couldn’t breathe couldn’t–_

A gloved hand latched onto his elbow and tugged him out of the crowd. He gasped like a fish out of water as the stranger spun him around and sat him down onto a stool.

“Hi there!” The kiosk owner greeted with a wide grin. “I’m Bill, nice to meet you! How would you like to try some makeup?”

Dipper’s breath hitched because _some stranger was talking to him and where was Mabel, oh hell where was Mabel?_

“Uh–uh…” He blanked, his breath shortening.

“Oh he doesn’t wanna try _makeup,_ hon!” Another stranger appeared with a poofy hairdo. _“Clearly_ he’d rather try my hair products!”

The teen’s eyes widened and he made to stand an escape but Bill planted a firm hand on his shoulder, keeping him in place. He flinched. 

“Back off _Gideon.”_ Bill snarled. “He wants to try my _makeup.”_

Gideon humphed. “We’ll see about that!”

The stranger vanished into the crowd before shortly returning, wielding a hairbrush and a spray can. Bill whipped out makeup supplies and Dipper paled as the blonds pounced.

“W–wait!” He protested as they set to dolling him up. “S–stop!”

But they didn’t listen. Dipper wrangled to control his breathing as one blond slicked back his hair, revealing his birthmark, while the other patted his face. They just _wouldn’t stop touching him why wouldn’t they stop he said stop help somebody help Mabel! Stranger danger Mabel help! Mabel where are you?_

Sure enough, he started to hyperventilate and tremble as the blonds chattered and bickered, heedless to his discomfort.

Only when tears leaked from his eyes did Bill pause. “Uh, Gideon, we got a problem.”

Gideon hummed. “What?”

Dipper buried his face in his hands, face flaming red in mortification. He made to stand but Bill placed his hand on his shoulder one more.

“S–stop touching me…” Dipper hiccuped.

Hearing the noise, Gideon’s eyes widened. “Oh crap.” 

“Uh…” Bill hesitated. “Hey, buddy, you okay?”

_“No.”_ Dipper curled in on himself, trying to hide. 

Gideon stopped messing with his hair and curved around to stand in front of him, next to Bill. “Um…” 

Dipper risked a peek through his fingers and whimpered. They were drawing a crowd now. Couldn’t people stop _staring? And where was Mabel? Where was she? He needed her he needed her he needed–_

“Dipper!” A welcomingly familiar voice called and he perked. “Oh gosh, Dipper, I’m so sorry…”

His sister shoved aside the dumbstruck blonds and shielded him from sigh with her own body. “Hey,” she softened her voice. “You’re alright, everything’s okay. Just take a deep breath. Breathe with me, alright?”

He nodded and inhaled in time to his twin. When his breathing evened, Mabel whipped around, protective fire in her eyes.

_“You two.”_ She growled, storming forwards and forcing the blonds to backpedal.

The crowd parted, watching the livid young woman frighten the young men like a show.

She stabbed them in the chest with a finger. “Shame on you! My brother has social anxiety and what did you two _do?”_

“We–we didn’t know!” Gideon protested.

Mabel pressed. “Did he tell you to stop?”

Bill averted his gaze. “Uh…” 

“He did!” Mabel roared. “I bet he _did_ tell you to stop and you _didn’t listen!”_

“Mabel.” Dipper’s quiet voice snapped her out of her righteous fury. “Let’s just go.”

Mabel huffed but swiveled on her heel and returned to her brother’s side. She grasped his hand and tugged him to his feet. 

_“Be ashamed.”_ She hissed as a final farewell to the blonds. “Because my brother deserves better.”

“Mabel…” Dipper protested as they merged with the crowd and he wiped his eyes. “They didn’t know…”

She snorted. “They should’ve kept their hands to themselves!”

Dipper sighed as his sibling worked herself into a rights rant but smiled.

At least he could count on his sibling be there for him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments guys, but there’s something I’ve recently remembered.
> 
> 1) In the summary I said the “majority” of the oneshots would consist of onesidedness, not “all” Meaning, there will be more reciprocation in the future. 
> 
> 2) Even though I’m willing to listen to suggestions and ideas, these are still my stories, and I’m going to write them the way I want to, regardless of whether or not the stories will be liked or not.


	12. Still as a Statue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper never should have visited the museum.
> 
> Pairing: Dipeon (one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stumbled across a post on tumblr and felt inspired:   
> http://sapphiresterre.tumblr.com/post/104011048845/fangirlingdragon-yghe-marcgiela-lmao-i

The nineteen year old scrambled across the tiled floor, slipping and screaming bloody murder. A maniacal, high-pitched laugh followed his frantic rush to the exit. He skidded around a corner, eyes wide.

Statues loomed and he recoiled. What he once thought were statues were in fact plastered zombies. Apparently Greeks covered their deceased in plaster rather than carved life-like stone statues. The teen backpedaled, heart hammering. And apparently Gideon had found an amulet that could animate the dead.

“Damnit Gideon!” He yelled and dodged a zombie’s grasp.

He gasped when he turned another corner. Zombies in front. He spun, breath short. Zombies behind. He swore loudly.

“Language, Dipper Pines. Now,” a southern twang chided and Dipper pivoted to see a tall suited man ease through the mob, clutching his bowtie. “You read my letter.”

Dipper spluttered. “How was I supposed to know my ‘secret admirer’ was _you?_ I should’ve known it was a trick to try and kill me!”

“Oh, _Dipper_ , hon,” Gideon laughed. “I’m not gonna _kill_ you.”

The teen scoffed. “Then explain the Greek _zombies hunting me down._ ”

Gideon simpered. “Why yes, they _are_ rather intimidating, aren’t they? But that’s not why I brought you here.”

Dipper crossed his arms, trying to even his breathing as he eyed the still statues.

“I want to take you on a date.”

His gaze snapped to the eerie smile on the jerk’s face. He couldn’t have heard that right.

“What.”

“Just one date.” Gideon coaxed. “It could be something as simple as going to a restaurant.”

He froze, mind screeching to a halt. His skin blanched enough to match nicely with the statues surrounding him. Did his enemy, the one who tried to _kill him_ years ago _,_ really just ask for a _date?_ Slowly, his brain started to function again.

“What kind of _date?”_ He ventured. 

Hopefully _his_ definition of a date was different from Gideon’s. 

“One that’ll soothe your soul.”

Well that sounded murderous.

“Uh huh,” Dipper frowned. “I’m not in the mood to die so no.”

Gideon’s smile became strained and his fist tightened on the amulet within his bowtie. “I already told you, I’m not going to kill you.”

“You expect me to believe that?”

The suited teen sighed. “If you won’t love me willingly then…”

Dipper recoiled, confused. “Love–?”

“…you’ll _learn_ to love me!”

Dipper bristled as the statues lurched to life. He made to leap out of reach but a plastered zombie caught his wrist and dragged him forwards. He squirmed as the zombie released his wrist only to quickly lock its arms across his torso, pinning his own arms in place.

The teen grunted. “Gideon, Let me go!”

“Oh, no,” The suited teen grinned. “I let my old flame get away. I’m not letting you go too.”

The brunet paused, realization finally sinking in. “This can’t be happening.”

“Oh, but it is.”

Dipper swore violently.

~oOo~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a, uh, side comment here but it's a bad idea to kidnap someone. Just because Gideon and Bill are jerks doesn't mean you have to be one too. Ha ha ha. (and here I awkwardly shuffle away)
> 
> So...who else has watched Big Hero 6 yet?


	13. Still as a Statue Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper never should have visited the museum. Part 2
> 
> Dipeon (one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to Forever_Sweet for being amazing and bouncing ideas back and forth with me for this story. There will be more added to this story later.

Dipper grumbled and tightened his grip on the popcorn. "Really?  Ducktective's True Love? "

"Now Dipper," Gideon scolded, "you'll like it!”

"It's a show for _twelve year olds_."

"But you watch the series!"

Dipper stiffened. "Have you been _spying_ on me?"

Gideon smiled shamelessly. "A little bit."

The teen shuddered before protective instincts flared. "Do you spy on Mabel too?"

In the dim lighting of the theater, Gideon smiled.

Dipper clenched a fist. "I am going to--"

"Ah ah ah," Gideon tutted, "wouldn't want to cause a _scene_ , now would you?"

"Spying on _me_ I can take," He hissed but released his fist. "But Mabel? No way. Leave her alone."

"I'll do what I want." The jerk returned hotly. "Now shush, the previews are over."

Dipper grouched and stuffed popcorn into his mouth, muttering. "Jerk."

The opening scene rolled and Dipper slowly relaxed. Despite his words, he had a soft sport for the characters of  Ductective . Though why'd they throw in unnecessary romance was beyond him. Because really why would Ductective–what was that?

Dipper glanced at at his thigh and recoiled. 

"Gideon." He hissed in a strangled voice and swatted the wandering hand. "Not cool. Hands to yourself."

The jerk had the nerve to grin. "It seems I mistook where the popcorn was. My bad."

Dipper gritted his teeth and shoved the popcorn into Gideon's hands. "Then how about _you_ hold the food so it doesn't happen again."

He returned his focus to the screen, internally grumbling. Moments later he felt a tug on his foot. He ground his teeth.

"Stop playing footsie with me" He bit out. "And just watch the movie." 

Intentionally misunderstanding the teen's clear rejection, Gideon yawned and stretched. Dipper's eye twitched when he felt a distinct weight on his shoulder.

"That is _it_." He growled. 

Kicking Gideon's foot, Dipper slid into the vacant seat next to his own. When fabric rustled, he huffed and contemplated the benefits of murder. No one would know it was him in the darkness of the theater...

A drink was suddenly presented in front of his face and he blinked.

"You forgot your drink, hon." 

Dipper clenched his fists. In response, he snatched the soda without a word and promptly scooted onto the next available chair. The jerk followed. 

"Oh come _on_." He muttered. "Leave me alone."

"And leave you to your lonesome self?" Gideon retaliated with a sickly sweet tone. "Never."

Dipper groaned, accidentally causing several heads to swivel. He sank in his seat, blushing as audience members sent stink eyes their way. Gideon just patted the teen's arm and pretended to smile apologetically at the glares.

Soothed by Gideon's charm, the audience members returned the smile and refocused on the movie.

"Snake charmer." Dipper muttered. 

Gideon's hand on his arm dug into his skin. He winced and shook his arm, effectively removing Gideon's white-knuckled grip. Some of the audience had seen his face! They'd connect the dots if Gideon on we're to mysteriously disappear...

He pouted and glanced at his drink. Maybe he could just dump it on the smug jerk and leave.

Hmm...

His gaze flicked to the row in front of him. No. The townsfolk would wind up hating him again if he 'attacked' Gideon seemingly unprovoked. He bit his lip. Damnit. He sighed.

"What's the matter, sugarplum?"

"Everything." Dipper rebutted.

"I can make it better..."

Gideon hummed and shifted in his seat, suspiciously closer to Dipper's side. Alarm flared and, trusting his instincts, Dipper grabbed his drink and scooted onto the next seat just as Gideon leaned sideways. The rich jerk fell flat on his face and Dipper, still weirded out by Gideon's unforeseen affection, chuckled.

"Smooth, sucker."

His enemy huffed and straightened, patting down his dress shirt in indignation. "You did that on purpose!"

Dipper scoffed. "Of _course_ I did. I do _not_ like youand I _don't_ want to behere."

It was Gideon's turn to pout. "But _I_ like you."

"Tough." Dipper sniped. 

Gideon shuffled into the seat next to Dipper's "But--"

"No means no." Dipper retreated.

“I—"

“ _No.”_  

Dipper had finally scooted to the final chair in the row. Seizing the chance, he started to rise. 

Gideon huffed. “Sit back down.”

“Make me.” Dipper shot back.

And so Gideon did.

“Get _offa_ me.” Dipper grunted, squirming beneath the bigger teen’s weight.

Gideon settled into his whiny seat, smiling. “Watch the movie.”

“I _can’t._ ” Dipper gritted out. “You’re in the–“

Gideon stuffed some popcorn into Dipper’s mouth. As the poor teen coughed, Gideon returned his attention to the movie and leaned back, squishing Dipper’s chest.

Dipper steamed, chewing on the popcorn. His gaze flicked from the corner of the screen that he _could_ see to the bulk blocking the majority of his view. His gaze dropped to where his lap would be if Gideon weren’t in the way. Slowly, a smirk stretched across his cheeks. 

“At least share the popcorn.” Dipper grumbled, trying to sound as moody as possible and most definitely not hatching a plot whatsoever.

The popcorn appeared in his vision and he struggled not to snicker. He grasped some of the weapon. Wouldn’t Gideon just _hate_ to have his _nice_ and _expensive_ suit ruined by buttery, _greasy_ popcorn? 

“Whoops.” Dipper muttered as he let the popcorn slip through his fingers and fall onto the sleeve of Gideon’s fancy smancy shirt. “Butter fingers.”

“What?” Gideon murmured, eyes on the screen.

Dipper just smiled.

“Oh nothing. Just your butt making my legs go numb.”

Gideon hummed. “Tough.”

Dipper frowned. “Jerk.”

~oOo~


	14. Still as a Statue Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper never should have visited the museum.
> 
> Dipeon (one-sided)

Not soon enough the credits rolled and Gideon _finally_ removed his heavy booty from Dipper’s lap. Dipper slowly stood, feeling the pins and needles stab his sleeping legs. Oh hell, the _pain._ Dipper gritted his teeth, refusing to complain and show weakness in front of the grinning jerk. ****

“Now off to the limo and I’ll drive you home!”

Dipper raised a brow, withholding the urge to cringe. He’d rather walk. “You drive?”

“Yes!” Gideon huffed before smiling. “But my chauffeur will be the one to drive us this fine evening so you won’t feel so alone without me.”

Dipper rolled his eyes. “Great.”

Gideon hooked an arm around Dipper’s and led him out of the theater. The brunet, too tired to protest, allowed the jerk to drag him to a sleek limousine. Oddly enough, his stomach churned. Was…was someone watching them? Trusting his instincts, he pivoted. Oh. He blinked. There were quite a _lot_ of stares. He glanced at the limo. But maybe that was because of the limo. Right. Yeah. That’s it.

“Dipper, dear?”

“Don’t call me that.” He sighed.

Gideon hummed.

Maybe he was just being paranoid. He let Gideon open the door and he stepped inside. He just wanted to go hooo– _wow_ that was some serious interior design! 

While he gawked, Gideon pushed him into the leather seats and spoke with the driver. Wow, geeze, Gideon really _was_ loaded. TV screens? A little fridge? What did he _do_ with all this stuff?

“–and, hon–are you even listening?”

Ignoring the voice and the sound of an engine revving, Dipper reached for the fridge. Did Gideon _really_ have food in there? What was next? A _microwave?_ He opened the little door.

“ _Whoa.”_ He breathed. Even the food was deluxe! 

A mirthful twang finally broke through the haze of fascination. “You can have some if you’d like, dahlin’.” 

Dipper recoiled from the fridge as if burnt. Oh, that’s _right._ This was _Gideon,_ his _arch-nemesis._ He shouldn’t be poking around and showing interest in anything of the jerk’s stuff! Gideon would so take it the wrong way and think he was interested in _him_ or something.

Convoluted logic set, Dipper closed the fridge and crossed his arms. “I’m not hungry.”

The blond rolled his eyes and slid closer. “Yes you are.”

Dipper scooted away from Gideon. “Nuh-uh.” He denied. “And stay on your side this time. Ever heard of personal space?”

“Only that it’s for common folk.” Gideon countered and followed.

‘Funny thing about that,” Dipper retreated further until his side hit the door. “ _I’m_ a common folk so it applies and– _hey!_ ”

Gideon leaned against Dipper, squishing him. Dipper growled and wiggled, stubbornly ignoring the high pitched giggle. Damn jerk. This was the _second_ time he’d been squashed. He squirmed free and walked to the seat across from Gideon, sitting down beside the fridge. He crossed his arms.

“ _Not_ funny.” He growled.

“Oh it was funny,” Gideon rebuked then sighed. “But it seems we’re here.”

Immediately, Dipper perked. The limo cruised to a stop and he all but lunged at the door. Gideon followed him out the vehicle and had to sprint to keep up with Dipper’s mad dash to the Mystery Shack’s door. He was home! He was _finally_ home! Once inside, Gideon would leave him alone! Dipper bust open the door.

“Dahlin’, wait,” Gideon panted, hands on his knees. “Whoo, give me a moment. I need ta breathe.”

The teen gripped the handle but nonetheless paused, nearly completely hidden by the door. “What.”

The jerk straightened, pursed his lips, and leaned forwards.

Oh the _nerve_ of him! Dipper growled out a swear and slammed the door shut.

Geeze. Dipper leaned against the wood. 

That was the _worst_ date _ever._

_~oOo~_

Gideon huffed, nursing the new bruise on his cheek. Damn. He didn’t get a goodnight’s kiss. A shame really, but he supposed he’d have to take it slow with Dipper. He turned to the limo. And really, the ride was so _short._ He’d have to remember to ask the chauffeur to drive in circles the next time they go on a date to stretch out their time together. Hopefully Dipper wouldn’t notice.

Well, he mentally patted himself on the back as he opened the limo’s door. 

“So did you get any good photos?” He asked the driver and received a nod. “Let me see them.”

The chauffeur gave the expensive camera to Gideon and the rich teen turned it on with a grin.

That was by far the _best_ date _ever._

Until he noticed the stain on his sleeve.

“My _suit!”_

~oOo~

Dipper heard the delightful shriek and grinned.

Okay, maybe the night wasn’t _totally_ awful _._

_“Where were you, young man?”_

Dipper froze. “M–Mabel!” He squeaked.

Oh hell, what was _she_ going to think? He rubbed his arm as he slowly turned around and peered into the living room. There on the couch sat his sister, knitting with an unusually blank face. Oh _hell_.

“U–uh, um…well you see…”

He stammered out his explanation in a rush of incoherency.

Mabel stared.

Then exploded.

_“What?”_

Dipper fidgeted with his hat, blushing and breathed. He restarted. “Um, well I might’ve sorta been kidnapped by um uh, our archenemy Gideon and dragged to go on a date with him and it was awful.”

Mabel burst into action. She zipped off the couch and grabbed his forearm, yanking him into the living room. There was _no way._ Dipper _couldn’t_ be talking about the same creepy guy who had dragged _her_ on various uncomfortable dates when they were twelve. Was Gideon really bisexual? Was he? Was this really true?

And here she thought Dipper just was out late monster hunting when really he was out on a _date?_

Dipper, despite wishing he could just collapse into his bed, took the time to describe the date (he _still_ cringed at the notion) as best as he could.

“You know what’s really weird?”

Mabel bounced in place. Despite the creepiness of it all, she almost felt bad for feeling amused by Dipper’s misery. “What? What?”

“I felt like someone was following us. I didn’t notice at first but as soon as we left the theater…I dunno, it was weird.”

Mabel frowned before her spirits returned. “Well at least it’s over!”

Dipper had a feeling that Gideon’s obsession was far, far from over.

This was _just_ the beginning.


	15. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They said the house was plagued by ghosts. He should have believed them.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

“Annnd _done._ ” The speaker, a scruffy brunet, dumped the cardboard box on the floor.

The teen stood, planted his palms on his hips, and arched his back. Upon hearing a satisfying _pop,_ the nineteen year old rolled his shoulders and straightened. He clapped his hands together for a job well done.

Dust rose from his hands. “Now to just un–ah ah–“ he sneezed.

“Still sneeze like a kitten.” A cheery voice commented.

The teen rolled his eyes. “ _Mabel!_ You’re supposed to be helping me unpack. Not making fun of me!”

“Aw,” the girl with features nearly identical to his own whined. “But you’re so _cute!”_

“I am _not_ cute.” He protested, striding forwards with his chest puffed. “I’m manly as–”

His foot snagged on one of the boxes littering the floor. His weight pitched forwards and he gasped as his face had an abrupt meeting with the carpet. Dust billowed from his fall.

His sibling laughed. “Wow, you _really_ need to vacuum.”

“ _We.”_ The teen emphasized. “You agreed to help me clean up this place, remember?”

She pouted. “ _Fiiine_.” 

Ungracefully, he stumbled to his feet. “Right. Okay. Cleaning first.”

“Um,” his twin giggled. “you’ve got a, uh,” she tapped her cheek.

Dipper blushed and wiped at his dusty cheeks. But, seeing as his hands were _also_ dusty from his trip, he only succeeded in smearing the dust across his face and under his nose. He sneezed.

“Aw, you _do_ sneeze like a kitten.” A voice, suave and smooth, cooed.

The siblings stiffened. Warily, they surveyed their surroundings.

“Who was that?” His sister murmured, pivoting to have her back against her brother’s, a habit she fell into when, back in their high school days, she had to protect her sibling against bullies.

“Dunno.” The boy responded, eyeing the dusty, box filled room.

Other than the battered couch, coffee table, and a pair of rusty windows, there was no other presence in the room.

“Oh- _kaaaay_.” The teen pressed his back against his sister’s. “That was weird. Are we going crazy?”

“Uh,” Mabel began. “The landlord and his wife _did_ say it was haunted.”

“And you believed them?” the boy scoffed. “Mabel, stuff like ghosts are just superstition! There’s no such thing as–“

“Dipper…?” His sibling’s tone stopped him short.

Tentatively he prodded. “What…?”

“Do people usually pop out of nowhere and float?”

“ _What?”_ He whipped around.

His jaw dropped. There, a few feet away from his sister and him, hovered a grinning dapper man in a yellow tuxedo complete with a black top-hat and bowtie. The stranger’s black eyed stare pierced Dipper’s own and the teen recoiled, heart racing.

“That’s not–ghosts don’t–what–“ He spluttered before his eyes snapped wide. “We’ve got to get out of here.”

“Now, now,” the translucent young man waved a gloved hand. “I _just_ wanted to _greet_ the newest residents of my home.”

Dipper bit his lip. “Yeah, uh, funny thing about that. We’ll uh, we really gotta…go…” he paled.

The stranger’s hands had erupted into blue fire. Dipper’s heart hammered as he stepped closer to his sister and she in turn stepped closer to him, shoulders touching for a semblance of safety. This couldn’t be good. 

“Oh but you’ve _just_ moved in,” the man’s shark like grin twitched, “won’t you stay awhile?”

Dipper swallowed harshly. “Um…”

“Just what,” a southern drawl rolled into the room, “do you think you’re doing, _William_?”

The fire dimmed as the dapper man frowned. “It's _Bill_ , brat, and you’re _ruining_ my threat.”

The teen exchanged a puzzled glance with his sister when a seemingly disembodied speaker replied. “You ah _scaring_ our company. Keep this up and they’ll run away like the _last_ bunch.”

The blue flames diminished completely with a huff and a cane materialized in one of the man’s hands. He leaned on the transparent, black canewith his left hand and crossed his ankles. Dipper’s gaze shifted from the smirking stranger to search for the other speaker.

“You’re no fun, kid.” The ghost placed his right hand to his chin, lidding his eyes. “But I know who will be fun.”

A melodic tune, right next to Dipper’s ear, whispered with a twang. “Yes he will be.”

A shriek ripped itself from the teen’s vocal cords as he jumped away and collided against his sister’s side. With wide eyes and a hammering heart, Dipper gasped for air. When in the world did the _second_ stranger stand so close?

“Who–“ his question dissolved into incoherent stammering when the second transparent male whipped a rose out of his back light blue pants pocket. “What…is this for…?”

“For you!” The ghost, apparently a teenager, chirped.

Dipper stared. Why would some dead guy give him an equally dead flower? He scrutinized the stranger with platinum blond hair styled into a gelled poof. Was the guy insane? Could ghosts even _be_ insane? Or was _he_ the one who was insane? Was he and his sister just _imagining_ there to be a pair of two ghosts?

“Hey!” Dipper whipped his alarmed gaze to the first dapper ghost. “Gideon, you brat, that’s what _I_ planned!”

“Too slow, Bill!”

Fire erupted in gloved palms. Dipper ripped his gaze from the Bill to Gideon. A greenish blue aura emanated around the teen clutching his bowtie. Gideon reached for him just as a soft coolness clamped around his forearm. Dipper’s skin couldn’t blanche any further as he swiveled his gaze onto the force attached to his arm. A gloved hand tugged him into a yellow clothed chest.

“H-hey!” He protested as arms locked across his torso. “Let me go!”

“Dipper!” He jolted when his sister yelped and latched onto Bill’s forearms, yanking. “Let him go!”

Bill batted Mabel away with his cane and retreated a few steps only to freeze. “ _Gideon_.” He growled.

_“Bill.”_ The blue suited teen returned, tightening his grip on the glowing bowtie. “He’s _mine.”_

Oh. 

“I’m not–“

“No,” Bill retorted. “He’s _mine.”_

Oh _no_. 

“Dipper’s not–“

“Then how about a deal? I know how much you _love_ those.”

This _couldn’t_ be happening.

“Hmm…”

Dipper wriggled in Bill’s grip as the young man contemplated. There was _no way._

Two ghosts were bickering.

Over him.

“What’s your terms?”

_Crud_.

 


	16. Garden Shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper worked at a flower shop. A simple job really, until a pair of blonds walked in.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got a little carried away with this one. Whoops!

“That’ll be ten dollars.” Dipper smiled pleasantly, gently placing the flowers in the bag.

The customer returned the expression and handed him a ten. He accepted the dollar with a thank you and bid the stranger farewell. The bell above the door jingled as the customer left.

“Well,” he dropped onto the stool, checking his watch with a sigh. “Just half an hour left.”

Oh how his feet _ached._ He resisted the urge to kick off his sneakers, instead choosing to roll his shoulders with a groan. Absently, he scanned the flower covered room. Nope. No one else in the building besides the flowers in pots hanging from the wall and the flowers bunched together in the pots on the floor. He slouched and reached beneath the counter to grab his book.

A bell chimed.

“Shut up hon, it’s _not_ funny.” A southern drawl snapped and Dipper straightened.

Footsteps clicked on the tiles as a high pitched voice shot back. “It’s funny how dumb you are.”  

“Y–you! You’re as ugly as…as this here dead plant!”

Dipper frowned, tucked away his book, and stood. Who was making fun of his sister’s hard grown flowers?

“Stooping to petty insults? How like you.” A blond, sharply dressed man in a yellow tux stepped around a tall sunflower. “But I suppose I must fall to your level if you are to understand. You’re taste in suits are like _this_ flower–horrid and dull.”

“Hey.” Dipper cut in, planting his palm on the counter. “If you’re just going to insult the flowers then I suggest you leave.”

The blond whipped his glare onto Dipper and _whoa_ that was a killer stare. Dipper recoiled and the stranger’s glare softened into a piercing gaze. Dipper fidgeted in place.

“Um,” he started, shrinking beneath the scrutiny. “My sibling put a lot of love into those flowers. So I’d appreciate it if you didn’t–hey hey _hey! Way too close”_

The stranger, having strode to the counter, leaned across the marble surface and purred into Dipper’s personal space. “Pardon the intrusion, cutie. You’ll have to excuse my…” he paused, as if searching for the right word, “friend. Yes, _friend_.”

“Now hold up,” the souther twang protested and Dipper retreated from the grinning shark to peer around the blond at the speaker. “Oh _my.”_

Dipper frowned, puzzled, when the owner of the voice, a blue suited teenager, blushed. “What–“

“You’re gorgeous.” The platinum blond breathed and snatched the nearest rose. “I’d like this one, please.”

Dipper’s brow furrowed. What was _up_ with these two weirdos? Still, he wasn’t one to turn away potential customers, even if they _were_ rude and _really_ weird. So long as they were paying then he was fine because, hey, his sister and he had to make money for resources such as food after all.

The platinum blond sauntered forwards and elbowed aside the tuxedo wearing young man. Dipper leaned away as the blue suited stranger leaned forwards.

“Right, okay.” Dipper glanced at the flower and tapped the price into the cashier. “That’ll be–“

The teen slapped a wad of cash onto the counter. “Is a hundred enough? It is? Good. Keep the change because you’re a hundred in my eyes.”

Dipper stared, slightly dazed at the sight of so many twenties. “That’s–“

“ _Gideon!”_ The weird blond from before shoulder clipped the platinum haired teen. “I’d _never_ be so shallow as to compare you to money. You’re worth more than just a bunch of _bills_.”

The young man placed a white rose on the counter. “I’ll give you _two_ hundred because you remind me of this flower–beautiful.”

Dipper floundered for words. He only succeeded in asking about the _least_ of his worries. “But weren’t you two _just_ dissing–“

The teen, Gideon apparently, humphed. “Well _I_ wouldn’t compare him to a dead thing that will just wilt with time, _Bill_.” He turned to Dipper. “You’re beauty will _never_ fade.”

Dipper glanced to the side, rubbing his arm. _Wow,_ this got awkward fast. The blond, Will or something, steamed. 

“When I look at you, I see–“

“Oh would you look at the time!” Dipper yelped, putting on a show of looking at his watch. “The shop closes in five minutes. Please make your purchases and _leave_.”

Gideon beamed and Dipper shuddered. “Ignore Bill. Can I buy you a date to dinner?”

“Uh–“

Bill flashed his teeth. “Wouldn’t you prefer a dinner date with _me?_ I can take you to the royalist place in town!”

“Um–“

“I can serenade you with a lovely song!”

“ _I_ can dance the waltz!”

“Well _I–“_

Horror and realization finally whacked Dipper upside the head. “You guys are flirting with me.”

The bickering blonds paused. They exchanged frowns before frowning together at Dipper.

“Yes?” Bill questioned. “Isn’t it obvious?”

Dipper had to sit down. “Two guys are flirting. With _me.”_

He buried his face in his hands. _Why?_ Why him? Never had a date before with a girl but always wanted one but nooo. Two admittedly good looking guys had no problem asking him out! Ugh! He wasn’t even bisexual! 

_So_ not fair.

“No. Look,” Dipper shook his head and the two males grinned eagerly. “I’m not interested. In _either_ of you,” he added upon noticing the two sending superior smirks at each other. 

Both frowned and protested in sync. “But–“ 

“ _No.”_ Dipper stayed firm. “I am _not_ bi, let alone gay. So _no._ I am _not_ dating _either_ of you and I will be closing this shop in,” he checked the time, “two minutes!”

The blonds pouted but he crossed his arms. He was straight as a board. There was _no way_ he would date a guy. He liked girls, damnit. Besides, these two guys were bizarro weirdos anyway. 

Bill broke the silence. “What if I offered you the garden of my mansion?”

Gideon tacked on. “Or what if I offered you my mansion itself?”

Dipper puffed out his cheeks. Couldn’t they see he wasn’t interested?

“You know what?” Dipper huffed, picking up the flowers and shoving them into the _boy’s_ (because that’s what they were _behaving_ like) chests. “Take the flowers and–“

“But–“ They protested.

“– _leave!”_

He curved around the counter and grasped their biceps. He dragged the two finely dressed and spluttering boys to the door. Geeze, they were _whiny_ losers. Couldn’t they handle rejection? He released Gideon to open the glass door and yanked Bill outside. In short order he grabbed Gideon and shoved him outside too.

As the two ungentlemanly gentlemen whined at the door, Dipper flipped the lock and stomped to the counter. He removed his apron and glared at the counter. Promptly, he groaned. Damnit, he forgot to return their money.

Gritting his teeth, (because the two rich jerks were _still_ whining) he walked around the counter and punched in the prices and the cashier opened. He stuffed two twenties into the register and pulled out two tens and slapped them onto the wad of cash, one ten for each pile.

He stormed to the door, holding the bills in his hand, unlocked the lock, and wrenched the handle. 

“You forgot your money.” He growled and pointedly avoided the suddenly gleaming gazes as he pushed the money into their hands. 

He swiveled on his heel. “Now if you’ll _excuse_ me, It’s time for my brea–hey hey _hey!”_

Hands, one gloved and the other not, on his shoulders ground him to a halt. He clenched his fists. When would they _learn?_

“We’re going to a nice restaurant!” Bill cheered.

“Consider it a date!” Gideon added.

Dipper whirled out of the grip. “Would you two _take a hint?_ I’m not– _oh my gosh_ … _”_  

The blonds grinned smug little smiles because behind them were a pair of sleek cars. One gold Maserati and the other a vibrant blue Bugatti Veyron. Dipper sucked in his breath. The two cars were not only widely known to be ludicrously expensive, but they were the best of the best cars and to simply _afford_ one… No wonder they were throwing money at him! He bit his lip. But why would a pair of wealthy jerks be doing at a cheap little flower shop?

“Um–uh–uh…” Dipper stuttered. 

They had to have so much _money._ If he had even a _smidgen_ of their paycheck then he and Mabel could afford so much! He’d be able to pay for a college tuition at his favorite school without worrying about the student debt he’d only be able to pay off when he became forty! Mabel would be able to attend the art college and visit New York or other countries! He could travel to London and meet his favorite authors! He could–he and Mabel could do _so much._

Wait, was he _really_ considering taking advantage of someone? Shame washed over him. No matter how much he wanted to, it was not only dishonest and to play with someone’s feelings… He shook his head with a resigned sigh. They wanted a romantic relationship which he just couldn’t give. Friendship? Sure, but romance? No way.

“Listen,” he pinched the bridge of his nose and the two leaned forwards. “I’m sorry but I…I can’t.”

“But why _not?”_ Gideon pressed. “We’ll take good care of you! We’ve got money.”

Minor agitation flared. He was trying to be _considerate_ here! He wasn’t something someone could buy then throw away! And they were going to learn that the _hard way._

“I _know_ you two are _wealthy._ ” He bit out. “But no means _no–whoa! Hands off!”_

He swatted the gloved hands on his hips but Bill relentlessly tugged him into his side and dragged him along towards the gold Maserati. Gideon grinned and chatted animatedly.

“Oh I’m sure you’ll look _lovely_ in a suit.” The teen jabbered.

“You mean _tuxedo_.” Bill interjected and Gideon huffed.

“No, he’s going to wear a–“

“No, he should wear–“

While the two bickered and walked, Dipper wriggled in the surprisingly strong grip. “Let me go!”

Bill just tightened his hold and Dipper squirmed. He stumbled when the man’s forward motion went back as the blond opened the back door to the gold colored vehicle.

“This is kidnapping!” He shouted as the jerk stuffed him into the back of the car.

“No it’s not!” Bill cheerily denied. “We’re taking you out on a date and we’ve just picked you up!”

Dipper surged forwards but the door slammed shut followed by a resounding click. He jiggled the handle but the door didn’t budge. As the man curved around the front, he tried the lock but it wouldn’t budge. Damn. Why did the jerk have the children’s safety lock engaged?

Bill opened the driver door and slipped into the sleek interior, placing the white rose on the passenger seat. Dipper huffed and crossed his arms as the jerk smoothed out of park and cruised onto the street. 

“Buckle up.” his kidnaper chimed. 

Dipper growled but complied, glaring at the man. “This is _still_ kidnapping.”

“ _Date_.” Bill countered stubbornly. “I picked you up for a _date_.”

He rolled his eyes. “What were you two even doing at my shop? It’s not like you couldn’t afford a,” he curled his lip, “ _nicer_ place with not _ugly_ flowers.”

Why yes, he still felt spite for the two’s insults. No one got away with bashing his sister’s hard work. She put her heart and soul into growing those flowers! Just because they were wealthy didn’t give them the right to be jerks.

Bill stammered. “Oh, well, we didn’t _mean_ to–“ He inhaled and restarted. “We actually came because we heard your little shop was one of the best and we needed a bunch of flowers for the ballroom dance this Friday.”

Trying not to preen from the praise because the jerk had still _kidnapped_ him and all, Dipper eyed him skeptically. “Then why didn’t you buy bouquets?”

“Because we found something better.”

Taking a moment to understand the hidden meaning, he flushed. “Oh, um…I’d say that’s nice and all except for the fact that,” the redness receded, “you _kidnapped_ me.”

“Oh hush.” Bill scoffed. “We did _not_ kidnap you. We’re just taking you out on a date.”

“I don’t know which one’s worse: the kidnapping or the date.” He rolled his eyes and rested his chin on his palm, peering out the window.

What was he going to tell Mabel?


	17. Garden Shop Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper worked at a flower shop. A simple job really, until a pair of blonds walked in.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All your guy’s comments encourage and motivate me! And thanks to Forever_Sweet being amazing and tossing ideas at me, you guys get two continuations. So…I hope you enjoy them!

“Before we go to the restaurant,” Bill began, “you have to look the part.”

Dipper rolled his eyes. “Or you could just _not.”_

The tux wearing jerk scoffed. “You are about to have the _time of your life_. Don’t you want to enjoy it, even a little?”

Dipper curled his lip. “You insulted Mabel’s flowers.”

“And I apologized!”

“Technically, you didn’t.”

“Oh, well, I’m _sorry._ There, happy?”

Dipper, like a rich snob, turned up his nose. “You don’t sound sincere.”

“ _You_ –oh…” Bill hesitated awkwardly. “I never got your name.”

Entirely against giving his name to someone with monetary power over him because they’d probably find a way to sue him or something, Dipper accused. “Now you’re changing the topic!”

Bill huffed. “Would you just tell me your name? Here, I’ll even give you mine. I am Bill.”

“Did you say Richard? Because you’re a _dick.”_

Bill steamed before grinning slyly. “No, but I have one. Would you like to see it?”

Dipper blushed and uttered words he never thought he’d say. “You’re sexually harassing me! That’s a crime! I outta send you to jail for that _and_ for kidnapping me!”

A double whammy! The jerk _had_ to let him go now!

“Godamnit, you little twat. Would you just–“

“You called me a twat!” Dipper yelped. “This is _bullying_!”

He would _not_ stand for this! If he was going to be dragged somewhere he didn’t want to go then, damnit, he was going down with a fight!

“ _Okay_.” Bill bit out and paused to breathe. “Geeze, you’re a vocal little fellow.”

Dipper puffed his chest. Was that the jerk’s resolve wilting he was hearing?

“ _But!”_ The man continued. “It really adds to your charm. It’s rare someone has the guts to stand up to me. I think I like you even _more_ now.”

Oh. Oh no no no _no!_ This was _not_ what he planned!

“Just–“ Dipper crossed his arms and glared out the window. “Drop me off…here…” his eyes widened, staring out the window.

That…that _couldn’t_ be. As Bill cruised to a stop, Dipper’s jaw dropped. Bill slipped out of the car and spoke with only who Dipper assumed to be a valet man while he stared. An elaborately grandiose department store towered above him. Dipper’s stomach churned. Oh dear…

The door beside him opened and a warm gloved palm gently grasped his bicep. Dipper continued to stare as the hand guided him out of the vehicle and only absently registered the fact that Bill was speaking to him.

His breath hitched and his chest constricted. Geeze, not only was he underdressed to even walk _into_ the famous store, he felt entirely inadequate standing next to the confident wealthy man beside him. His heart hammered and his hands started to shake.

“–alright?”

Dipper blinked, breath shallow. “W–what?”

The man’s features softened and he murmured. “I said are you alright?”

Dipper wasn’t, but he wasn’t about to admit to being afraid to walk into a _mall_ of all things. Granted, it was a mall that required the wealthy customers to show their ID before entering and was widely known to be the best of the best malls. Quite the intimidating picture.

He nodded. “I–I’m fine.”

Bill studied him doubtfully but didn’t press. Instead, he straightened when Gideon appeared and handed his keys to the valet.

“I get to drive him to the restaurant!” Gideon chirped before noticing Dipper’s state. “Oh, hon…” his features softened. “You’ll be fine.”

Dipper stiffened. Was he _that_ obvious? He shook off Bill’s hand and straightened. Despite his trembling form, he crossed his arms and puffed his chest.

“Or you could just take me home.”

“Now, now,” Bill captured his arm once again. “It’ll be painless. Maybe even fun!”

“Uh.” Dipper started as Bill dragged him forwards. “W–wait!”

He dug his heels into the brick path winding to the ritzy mall. Instead of listening to him, Gideon grasped his other arm and together the two jerks dragged him forwards.

Dipper swallowed harshly, shrinking in on himself. 

Oh this was going to be _hell._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who might’ve missed the joke, a nickname for Richard is Dick.
> 
> There will also be more added to this story.


	18. Garden Shop Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper worked at a flower shop. A simple job really, until a pair of blonds walked in.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Forever_Sweet for helping me figure out the ideas for this continuation!

Holy _hell._

Dipper swiveled his wide eyed stare from one section of jewel embedded clothes in the enormous department store to another section of ritzy clothes. His hands shook. There was just _so much_ and so many _expensive_ items! Just one simple shirt alone would cost more than his _life’s_ savings! 

“C’mon, _breathe_ Dipper,” he muttered to himself. “It’s just a mall. Just a massive mall where everyone except your kidnappers are glaring at you.”

His breath hitched. Oh that did _not_ help. His gaze darted about the gigantic room, searching for a path to the exit. Instead of finding an escape, he caught another pair of wealthy customers sending him a death stare and he dropped his gaze to the plush flooring. Damnit. Why did they keep glaring at him? What did he do wrong?

He glanced at his clothing then at the pair of bickering blonds striding in front of him. He grimaced. His clothes were ragged in comparison to the blonds’ pristine outfits. He stood out like a sore thumb. He sighed and debated slinking away to search for the exit himself.

The teen bit his lip. Could he even find the way out? They’d wound around so many aisles… He certainly _felt_ lost. If only he was home or in the woods, _then_ he’d be in his element.

“–a _suit!”_

“ _Tuxedo!”_

Dipper jerked his focus onto the blonds butting heads. He quickened his pace. When had they gotten so far away?

“Why don’t we ask what _he_ prefers?”

“Fine!”

“ _Fine!”_

The blonds rounded on Dipper. The teen jerked as the two stormed forwards and crowded him, one on each side of him.

“Which do you prefer?” Bill interrogated. “A boring suit or an exciting tux?”

Dipper stammered. “Um–“ 

“Wouldn’t you rather have a flattering _suit_ rather than an _ugly_ tux, um–uh…”

“You don’t even know his _name!”_ Bill accused.

Gideon whirled on Bill. “Well do _you?”_

“He won’t tell me!”

Gideon puffed his chest. “I bet he’ll tell _me.”_

Dipper tried to protest. “Wait–“

Like a piranha, Gideon was on him. “What’s your name?”

“Uh–uh–“ Dipper stuttered. 

Oh he could just _feel_ the glares piercing his back. So many rich people watching him… He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. He could do this. Rolling his shoulders and straightening his back, Dipper steeled his nerves. They wanted his name? Fine. They’d get his name. But not without a challenge first.

Despite his rosy cheeks, he puffed his chest and pulled out the strength from within. “Don’t you know it’s rude to _demand_ a name without giving your own first?”

Bill spluttered. “I gave you mine!”

“After you stuffed me in your car.” Dipper remarked, feeling the bitterness rise. “ _And_ you didn’t even give me your last name!”

“Well I’ll give it to you now!” Bill extended a hand. “Formally, I am Bill–“

Gideon elbowed him aside. “I am Gideon–“

“–Cipher!” Bill hip-checked him back.

“–Gleeful!”

Dipper stopped short. Wait. Cipher and Gleeful? As in, _the_ Cipher and Gleeful? The blond brains and faces of several performances and businesses? Also notoriously known for their short temper and grudges towards those they didn’t like? _And_ known to have any and all enemies and or rivals mysteriously disappear within a short time of appearing?

Oh _hell._

What had he done to deserve this? They could afford to buy and sell him through smooth talking other people alone if they wanted! He bit his lip, fighting the urge to flee. They had more money _and_ power than him.

Yet they wanted to drag _him_ on a _date?_

His breath hitched. If he screwed this up then he was in _big_ trouble.

Dipper finally relented. “Dipper Pines.”

“What?” The rich men blinked.

“My name is Dipper.”

The blonds exchanged stares before simultaneously bursting into laughter. Dipper’s ears burned as he noticed several spectators snickering along.

“What?” He snapped, forgetting that he didn’t want to upset them or risk their wraith. “It’s not funny!”  
“Dipper?” Gideon laughed, reaching obnoxiously high octaves. “As in the Big Dipper? Ha ha ha, maybe I should call you _little_ Dipper since you’re so short!”

Dipper gritted his teeth. For a rich guy, he sure was an as–

“ _Pines?”_ Bill’s laughter rivaled Gideon’s in intensity and pitch. “As in a _Pine Tree?_ Ah ha ha!”

Oh that was _it._ Forget their power! Forget the fear of becoming lost! He wasn’t going to just stand around being insulted!

“Good bye.” Dipper terminated their laughter with the curt statement and a swivel of his heel.

“Wait!” They yelped. “Don’t go!”

He shoved through the gathered crowd, ignoring the indignant squawks of the audience and agitated rattling of jewelry. He was _out_ of here, godamnit, and they couldn’t stop him!

A bare hand snagged his bicep and tugged him into a warm chest.

_Or_ maybe they could. Damnit.

No longer caring about the stares, he struggled in the grip. It was suffocating being surrounded by such rich snobs! He’d rather be exploring the woods or hunting a monster and _that’s exactly what he planned to do._

“Let me go!” Dipper shook off the hand and lunged forwards.

“Dahlin’, stop it.” Gideon hissed. “You’re making a scene.”

Dipper halted, cheeks heating. Couldn’t they see he wanted to _leave?_ “That’s _not_ my name.”

“Pine Tree,” Bill waltzed up to the two. “Let’s make a deal.”

“That’s _also_ not my name. And I don’t care. I–”

Bill blazed over Dipper’s protests. “You go on _one_ date with us and we’ll let you go home.”

Dipper paused, debating. He could handle that, couldn’t he? He straightened. “Just one date?”

“Just one date.”

Oh, Dipper’s stomach sank. He didn’t like that smile. But what could he do? The deal certainly _sounded_ fair enough.

“…Fine.” He relented. “But _just_ _one_ date.”

“Just one.” Bill’s smile stretched.

Dipper’s stomach only sank further.

~oOo~

“See?” Bill gestured to Dipper while turning to Gideon. “Doesn’t he look _strapping_ in a tuxedo?”

Gideon thinned his lips. “That’s only because their blue suits are out of stock.”

“Because _you_ buy them all.”

“Hey–“

While the two bickered, Dipper shifted and studied himself in the mirror. Geeze. This was _really_ uncomfortable. Wearing such expensive formal wear didn’t sit right with him. His gaze flittered from one mirror to the next, checking all the possible angles.

Well…he supposed he _did_ look nice.

But his _hair!_ Did they _really_ have to comb it? His skull throbbed slightly in reminder. Who knew his short hair had so many tangles? 

He straightened and lifted his chin, trying for a charming toothy smile. Could he even play the part? He folded his arms behind his back. Could he really fit in at an expensive restaurant? He tilted his head. Could he do it?

“Breathtaking.” Bill’s voice murmured into his ear. “Simply breathtaking.

Dipper yelped and jerked away. Weren’t the two blonds _just_ bickering loudly? How in the world did one of them manage to sneak up on him? With mirrors _all_ around him even! Were they _both_ next to him?

Dipper checked the mirror. Sure enough, Bill loomed over his side while Gideon had appeared on his other side. Stuck between the two, Dipper endured the scrutiny. Didn’t they know it was _rude_ to stare?

“Now that we’ve got your outfit,” Bill began, “it’s time to go on the actual date.”

Gideon leaned over his head and whispered something into Bill’s ear that sounded suspiciously like he spoke the words “next date.”

The tux wearing jerk nodded with a frown. “Sounds fair, I suppose.” 

Dipper’s stomach churned. “What?”

“Oh nothing.” Gideon chirped, _way_ too happy. “It’s time to take you to the restaurant!”

Just _great._

~oOo~

Dipper gawked at the menu in his hands. Why were all the dishes written in _French?_ He couldn’t understand a _word_ and to make things worse they didn’t even offer pictures! He couldn’t even begin to _guess_ what these dishes meant, let alone how much they cost!

Knowing his luck, the food probably cost a good _year’s_ worth of paychecks.

“So hon,” Gideon began, bringing him out of his thoughts, “what do you want?”

“Uh…” Dipper skimmed the menu and decided to try his luck. “How much does the plate of _escargot_ cost?”

The blond’s faces scrunched. Dipper flushed. What was wrong? Did he butcher the pronunciation of the dish?

“Okay, ew,” Bill plucked the menu from the ignorant fool’s hands. “ _Escargot_ is cooked land snail–an appetizer in France and quite the acquired taste. Are you sure you want this?”

Dipper’s stomach dropped. Cooked _snail? Ew!_

“Um, he stuttered. “You know what? I’m not hungry. Can I just–“

Bill waved his hand. “Don’t worry about the cost.”

The teen, not wanting to be _further_ steeped in debt to the blonds, protested. “But the tux _alone_ will cost me a fortune and _years_ to pay you back!”

****The young man waved a hand. “Just go on more dates with us and we’ll consider it paid.”

“But the deal–you said–“

“I _said_ we’d let you go home and we are.” Bill smiled an sly little smile. “I _didn’t_ say there’d be no more dates.”

Oh that _weasel._ Dipper clenched his fists. He should’ve _known_ he would be tricked! Just as he rallied an argument, the waiter arrived. Dipper snapped his jaw shut and simmered.

“Ready to order?”

“Just a moment, please,” Bill folded the menu and leaned towards Gideon.

The two exchanged fast and hushed whispers, occasionally shooting glances at the fidgeting teen, until they both nodded.

“We’re ready now,” Bill began. “I’ll have the usual.”

“Very well then.” The waiter nodded and switched his focus onto Gideon. “The usual for you as well, Mister Gleeful?”

“Yes,” Gideon smiled and gestured to the sinking Dipper, “and this young man will have the _Soupe de Poisson.”_

The waiter smiled and bustled away.

Dipper sagged further in his seat. They didn’t know what he liked! What if they ordered something he couldn’t stomach?

…wait a minute…

“Did you just say soup de _poison_?” 

Were they trying to _kill him?_ What the hell! Why would a dish like that be at a _restaurant?_ Why would someone _make_ a dish like that!

Gideon eyed him flatly. “Dipper Pines. Would be go through the trouble of taking you out on a nice date just to kill you?”

Bill, on the other hand, burst into laughter. “He thought–ah ha ha! No no _no_ you adorable fool! _Soupe de Poisson_ is a _delicacy._ ”

Dipper’s cheeks burned. “That’s great and all but _what is it?”  
_ Gideon rolled his eyes and elbowed the mirthful man, nearly knocking him out of the chair. “It’s a soup accompanied by crisp toast and a bowl of _rouille,_ a spicy sauce. You can spread the sauce on the toast and then dip that into the soup. It’s delicious, I’m sure you’ll like it and if you don’t then we can always order more.”

Dipper stared. “Order _more_ …?”

Bill finally stopped to breathe and straightened. “Yep! You can try _all_ the dishes on the menu until you find something you like!”

The teen’s stare turned into a wide eyed deer in the headlights. “But–“

“It’s your night!” Gideon added with a grin. “We want you to have the best!”

“But you _just met me!”_

“Don’t care.” Bill shrugged. “Now then…”

Dipper drifted into his own worried thoughts while the two blonds continued the conversation. Just _what_ had he walked into?

“Don’t you think so too, Dipper?”

“Huh?” He absently responded. “Yeah, sure…” 

“I mean really, the increase in monster sightings is _staggering.”_

Dipper blinked.

Did Gideon just say _monsters?_

“True,” Bill agreed. “I hear that there’s been several gnomes seen at construction sights. I wonder why.”

“Actually,” Dipper finally pitched in. “It only _seems_ like there’s more gnomes appearing. The town’s expansions is actually encroaching on the gnomes territory and since they refuse to move to a different location in the woods, the gnomes stay at the construction sites and…why are you guys smiling?”

“Oh nothing,” Gideon chirped. “What else do you know about–“

Just then, the waiter bustled to the table and placed the food at with the correct person who ordered. Sufficiently distracted from the conversation, Dipper stared at the giant bowl of orange colored soup then at the equally large plates of food Bill and Gideon had because _whoa_ that was _a lot_ of fancy food. He bit his lip.

“Go on, try it.” Bill prodded.

The teen rubbed his arm and then reached for a spoon. But, remembering Gideon’s previous comments about the food, he moved his hovering hand to grasp some toast and a butter knife to spread the sauce and then dipped it into the soup. Tentatively, he nibbled the soaked toast.

Oh, w _ow._ That was some _damn good_ food _._ So much better than his burnt cooking or his Grunkle’s attempt at cooking or even Mabel’s crazy recipes! He hummed, pleased, and repeated the process, blissfully unaware of the blonds knowing smiles.

“So Dipper, hon, what other monsters do you know about?”

Dipper brightened. Now _monsters_ he could talk about! That was his _element!_

He launched into his crazy tales. “I’ve actually met a lot of the supernatural creatures in the woods of Gravity Falls! Like the Manotaurs or the Gremogoblin!”

“Oh?” Gideon raised his brows.

“I’ve actually met the leader of the gnomes himself! You know, it’s weird, because I never find any monsters back at home, just during the summer here!” He rambled on. “Maybe that’s because Gravity Falls is rural while I live in the city of Piedmont. I dunno.”

“Really?” Bill leaned forwards, eyes gleaming. “Where do you stay while here?”

“The Mystery Shack!” He chimed and stuffed more toast into his face. “It’s a pretty cool place since my Grunkle Stan gives tours to tourists, and has even has let _me_ lead a few of them! I work there during the weekdays and on the weekends I work at the Flower Shop, which is why the store is only open on Saturdays and Sundays.”

“Oh really?” Gideon’s gaze met Bill’s, sparking. “And where is the Mystery Shack? I’ll have to drive you home after all, as is proper for a date to do, which is why I need to know.”

“618 Gopher Road!” Dipper responded cheerily, oblivious to their forming plan. 

He munched on more toast, smiling. This food was incredibly _yummy._ Hmm… This night wasn’t so bad after all.

But _oof_ , he couldn’t eat anymore. And _man,_ why was he so tired? It was only… he checked his watch. Oh _wow,_ no _wonder_ he was sleepy! After spending hours in the mall, coupled with the time spent at the restaurant and the sheer lateness of the time itself… He would’ve been in bed _hours_ ago! After all, he had work the next day and Stan was notorious for demanding they wake up early to set up the shop.

“Do you want desert?” Bill questioned.

Dipper groaned quietly. _More_ food? “No thank you.”

“Alright, then we’ll just get to-go boxes.” 

The tux wearing blond flagged down their waiter and requested the boxes and the check. Soon enough, they paid for the food and stood.

Gideon stepped closer to Dipper’s side, looping an arm around his waist while Bill mimicked him on his other side. Dipper, too groggy to properly protest, especially after such a extravagant meal, just let them guide him out of the restaurant and through the parking lot. They finally let him go upon stopping next to Gideon’s Maserati.

The blue suited blond opened the passenger door and invited Dipper inside. Absently, Dipper sat down and admired the interior design of the fancy car. 

Gideon entered the car. “618 Gopher Road, correct?”

Dipper nodded. “Yep,” he yawned.

The young man revved the engine and turned on the radio, playing pop music on a low volume. “Did you have a good time?”

“It was a rough ride at first, but yeah,” the teen admired, “it wasn’t _entirely_ unpleasant.”

“That’s good.” Gideon hummed and started singing softly along with the music.

“You know,” Dipper blearily noted. “You have a pretty good singing voice.”

Gideon positively _preened._ “Why thank you!”

Uh oh. Now the guy’s head was going to inflate. Oh well. To tired to care about having accidentally inflated the blond’s ego, Dipper just snuggled into the heat warmed seats. Ooo, he liked _that_ feature of the car.

But alas! He had to leave the toasty seat because they had finally arrived. Dipper unbuckled and unlocked the door. Sliding out, he almost failed to notice Gideon pouting.

“I would’ve opened the door for you!”

Dipper chuckled. The statement wasn’t really funny, but he was at the point of sleepiness where _anything_ could be funny.

“Thanks for the tux, food, and ride.” He rubbed his eyes. “But I really gotta–“

“Wait,” Gideon curved around Dipper and the car to open the trunk. “I have one more thing to give you.”

Dipper turned, puzzled. “What?”

“Here!” Cheerily, Gideon presented several bags. “Most of them aren’t as formal as your tux–except for the suit–but they’re still nice! Here, I’ll even carry them to the door.”

Dipper stared as the rich blond sauntered to the door. “But I thought it was just the tux and food!”

"Well you're going to need more clothes for when we go on more dates!"

Oh. Darnit, he _did_ sorta agree to that deal of Bill’s. Since he couldn't afford to pay them back with money, he'd pay them back with time, which meant more dates, which meant he needed more nicer clothes. He sighed and approached the door.

“Oh and,” Gideon handed him the bags to grasp the doorknob. “Our next date is this Friday. I’ll pick you up at seven on the dot.”

He winked and opened the door. “Don’t forget your dancing shoes, hon!”

Dipper crossed the threshold and turned to question the blond but the door had clicked shut behind him. He frowned, arms too loaded to open the door.

And then Mabel was on him like a _shark._

His sister zoomed out of the living room to rush to his side. She stopped short in the doorway, however, the moment she spotted his tux wearing figure and the bags in his hand.

“Bro-bro…” she eyed him with wide eyes. “Did you rob a mob boss on the way home?" She bounced in place. “Because if you did then _that’s so cool_!”

He rolled his eyes. “Actually…” He stammered out the explanation of his date, from being kidnapped at the flower shop to walking into a fantasy.

His sibling squealed. "That's _so_ romantic! I wanna meet your new boyfriends!”

"What, _Mabel!_ It was _hardly_ a _date!_ And they're _not_ my–"

“But they _like_ you~”

"Mabel I barely know them!”

"When are you going to see them again?”

"This Friday. But that's not the point!”

"You _like them~”_

"Mabel _this isn't funny!"_


	19. Garden Shop Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper worked at a flower shop. A simple job really, until a pair of blonds walked in.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you all next Wednesday at the latest!

“The question-mark shirt? That’ll be…” Dipper typed in the price and smiled at the customer. “Cash or credit?”

“Cash.” The woman pulled out her wallet and handed him the money.

“Alrighty, a dollar fifty is your change.” 

Dipper placed the corresponding amount in the lady’s waiting palm and bid her farewell. With the last customer gone, he sagged on the stool and dropped the smile.

He groaned. “Mabel? Can you watch the cashier for me while I get some Ibuprofen? This heat is _killing_ me.”

Mabel popped her head into the room. “Got another headache, bro-bro?”

The teen just flopped onto the counter in response.

“Just a moment, I’ll get you some.”

“Thank you.” He said, voice muffled by the counter.

The bell above the door jingled and Dipper hastily sat upright. Ignoring the throbbing in his head, Dipper shifted his gaze to the entrance. He stared.

“ _Bill?_ What are you– _Gideon?”_

The blond’s roaming stares zeroed on Dipper. The teen recoiled because _whoa_ did they _have_ to do that in sync? That was just creepy.

“Ah, hello there Dipper Pines.” Gideon greeted and elbowed Bill out of his way to step further into the store. “How are you?”

Dipper struggled to form words. “I–“

“ _Dippingsauce!”_ His sibling’s cheery voice cut in and she bounced into sight. “Are these your mystery boyfriends from yesterday? I’m so jealous, bro-bro, cause they are _hot!”_

The teen whined and slouched onto the counter and rubbed his aching temples. “ _Mabel!_ ”

She laughed and placed the medicine and glass of water atop the counter. Dipper straightened enough to swipe the small pills and plopped them into his mouth. While he hurriedly downed the pills with water, his sister had taken to chatting up the blonds.

Soon a wave of faint voices flooded into the room, steadily increasing in volume until the speakers appeared. Dipper placed the glass aside and straightened as the customers chattered and perused the store. Dipper slapped on a pleasant smile.

A grouchy voice cut through the noise. “Who are they and do they work for the government?”

Dipper rolled his eyes as his great uncle pushed through the crowd with Mabel in tow. “Of course not! They’re Dipper’s soon-to-be-boyfriends!”

Realizing who his sister was referring to, Dipper scowled. “ _Mabel!_ Those weirdos are _not_ my _–”_

Just then, the blonds themselves emerged from the shifting mass of people. Slowly, a grin spread across his grunkle’s face. Dipper’s stomach churned.

“Dipper!” Stan strode to the cashier and placed his hands on his hips. “You’re on tour duty.

The teen spluttered. “What?”

“Bill and Gideon,” Stan pivoted to face the frowning blonds. “How would you two like to go on a _mysterious_ tour led by none other than Dipper here? Of course, tours given by him are _quite rare_ so the tour comes at rather high price. But don’t worry, I’m _certain_ you two can afford it.”

Gideon crossed his arms. “I’ve heard about you _Stanford_ _Pines,_ and I know you’re quite the con man. We’ll take a tour led by my marshmallow at the _normal_ price.”

Dipper frowned. Did the poofy haired teen just call him a _marshmallow?_ What a _weirdo._

“Ha!” Stan barked. “The price matches the quality of the tour and Dipper’s are some of the _finest. Surely_ you two want nothing but the best, hmm?”

While the trip dissolved into arguing, the teen subconsciously puffed his chest from the indirect praise. Even if Stan was just buttering up the rich blonds to con a lot of money from them, he couldn’t help but feel some pride. Stan rarely gave him kudos.

Bill aggressively outstretched a hand. “ _Fine_. Do we have a deal?”

Stan scowled and accepted the shake. “ _Deal_. Dipper!”

The teen straightened and hopped off the stool. “Got it.”

“Mabel!”

“On it!”

His sister curved behind the cashier and he side-stepped her and waited. Once the blonds had finished coughing up the cash to a grinning Stan, Dipper waved a hand.

The blonds perked and quickened their pace as Dipper wove into the crowd.

“So what are you two doing here anyway?” He asked when they caught up.

“Can’t we pay you a visit?”

Dipper rolled his eyes. Paying to see him was right. Knowing his grunkle, Stan would figure out a way to lock him in the Shack and require an entry fee so the blonds or anyone else would _literally_ have to pay to see him. Humph. What a _jerk._  

“Don’t you have work to do?” Dipper deflected. “Besides, I thought were going somewhere on _Friday.”_

“Dancing.” Bill clarified. “We’re going to a masquerade on Friday.”

Dipper halted just as they entered the tour room. Not anticipating the sudden stop, Bill bumped into the teen’s back. He whirled on his heel, cheeks rosy.

_“Dancing?”_ He squeaked. “I can’t dance to save my _life.”_

When the blonds exchanged cheshire grins, his breath hitched. He did _not_ like those smiles.

“Then–” Bill started, turning to Dipper in sync with Gideon.

“–we’ll just have to teach you how to dance! Or at the very least _waltz,_ hon.”

Restraining the urge to retreat, the teen crossed his arms. “Do you two _want_ bruised feet? I’m telling you I _can’t dance.”_

“Oh hush.” Gideon dismissed. “You’ll do fine.”

“I _think_ I know myself better than you two do.” Dipper huffed.

“We could start the dance lessons today.” Bill suggested. “After your done with work and all that.”

Dipper scowled. “Not happening. You two didn’t warn me that you were coming today. You,” he jabbed a finger at Gideon, “said you were coming on _Friday._ I have plans for today.”

The blonds exchanged stares. Bill spoke up first. “What plans?”

“Personal plans.” He countered. “Now let’s get this tour over with.”

Being horrible nosy, Bill pried. “What plans?”

“I _told you_ –“

“What pl–“

“Argh! Are you going to keep asking that until I–“

“What–”

“ _Bill!”_

“Wha–“

_“Fine!”_ Dipper threw his hands into the air. “If I tell you, you _both_ have to promise not to laugh.”

Bill grinned. “Deal.” Then he turned to Gideon.

“Deal.” Gideon agreed.

Dipper inhaled. “I study the monsters in the woods.”

Gideon blinked. “Is that why you know so much about the supernatural?”

Seeing that they weren’t laughing at him, the teen relaxed. “Yeah. Some of them are friendly enough to tell me what’s going on, like the gnomes but others…” he rubbed his arm. “Well they’re called _monsters_ for a reason.”

Gideon straightened with a frown. “That sounds dangerous, hon.”

He shrugged. “I can handle myself.”

Bill added. “Are you sure about that?”

The teen bristled. “What are you two getting at?”

The poofy haired jerk lifted his hands. “I’m just saying you could get hurt is all.”

He rolled back his shoulders with a sigh. They were just worrying about him.

“Listen,” he lifted his cap and brushed a hand through his hair. “While it’s nice that you two care, you don’t need to worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

Gideon frowned. “But you go into the woods alone.”

“Yes.”

“I’d feel better if you had someone to protect you.”

Dipper scoffed. “Oh you’ve _got_ to be kidding me. I don’t _need–“_

“Which is why I will be accompanying you on your journey through the woods today.”

The teen frowned. Gideon wanted to do _what?_ “You’re joking.”

“Am not.”

Bill pitched in. “Someone needs to watch over _both_ of you, so _I_ will join as well.”

Dipper sighed. “I can’t convince you two out of this, can I?”

“Nope!” The blonds chorused.

“You sure? You’ll dirty your clothes.”

“”Dry-cleaning.” Gideon sang.

“And if you rip your clothes?”

“I know an expert tailor.” Bill offered

Dipper threw his hands into the air. “ _Fine_.” He recognized when he couldn’t win. “We leave in an hour.”

The blonds cheered and Dipper rolled his eyes. “Alright, alright, let’s start the tour already…”

~oOo~

“Hurry up, guys.” Dipper tightened his grip on his backpack strap.“We’re losing daylight!”

“We’d be quicker if you helped _carry_ some of this junk.” Bill shot back, staggering beneath the weight of Dipper’s tools.

Gideon grunted in agreement. “We’re not your pack mules, hon!”

Dipper humphed. “You are if you’re tagging along.”

“What if some monster shows up?” Bill protested. “We’ll be so weighed down we won’t be able to get away.”

“Then drop the stuff and run.” Dipper crossed his arms. “But we’re just gathering ingredients in gnome territory and they’re harmless. So quit complaining and get a move on!”

“Yeesh,” Bill wheezed. “You sound like Stan.”

Dipper huffed, unimpressed. He’d visited his grunkle every summer since he was twelve. It’d make sense if he’d been influenced by the gruff man. Besides, it was about time he had the chance to dish out orders!

“Are you coming or not?”  
“Coming, coming.” The blonds growled.

Dipper’s perked considerably once they were out the door. His scowl morphed into an excited grin and he hurried ahead of the blonds.

Only absently, he remembered the blonds were tagging along so he slowed impatiently. “C’mon, c’mon!”

The blonds peered around their baggage and smiled as their gazes landed on Dipper’s bright face. The teen’s eyes roved about the woods, energetically scanning the foliage. The blonds picked their way carefully through the undergrowth, trying to focus on where to put their feet rather than watching the bright-eyed and smiling teen.

“Gosh, he’s like a ray of sunshine.” Gideon whispered.

Bill heard the statement and nodded. “Yeah he’s really _hot_.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Gideon protested. “But yes, that too.”

“Here we are!” Dipper flung out his arms and stretched. “You can just put the stuff on that flat rock there, thanks.”

The blonds eagerly rushed to the stone and dumped the materials. Dipper shrugged off his bag and plopped it to the ground. He crouched and unzipped the bag while the blonds dropped to the ground with mirrored groans.

“You guys need to chop wood or something if you’re _this_ tired after carrying a bunch of _plastic containers.”_

Bill scowled. “I usually just have someone else carry the heavy loads.”

“They’re not heav–“

“My career is primarily _performing._ I am _not_ a stage hand.” Gideon lifted his chin indignantly.

Dipper rolled his eyes. “ _Right._ Anyway. Here’s what I need…”

He described the ingredients of plants and stones but when he was met with blank stares, he sighed. He whipped out a pad of paper and a pen from the inside of his jacket. The teen scribbled the names and descriptions and added a doodle of the requested item for extra help.

“Here.” He ripped the paper from the pad and handed the sheet to Gideon. “You two can share that so _don’t lose it._ ”

Bill peered over Gideon’s shoulder. “For a doodle, these are damn good drawings.” He noted.

Dipper blinked and fought down a surprised blush. “Uh…thanks, I guess…”

He’d never been complimented for his drawing skills, except from his sister but she complimented practically _everything_ so he thought nothing of it. Huh. And here he thought he was a geek for being a boy and liking art. Then again, the author of Journal 3 was a detailed artist too so maybe being a artist wasn’t as uncool as he thought.

Mentally shrugging, he refocused on the task. “Anyway, stick close. The gnomes know me but they don’t know you.” 

Even if he thought the blonds were weird, he didn’t want them to be kidnapped by the gender or sex confused gnomes. Then he’d have to go save them and that would just waste so much time! But he couldn’t, in good conscience, just _leave_ them, no matter how much he would want to.

Shaking his head, he continued. “I know these woods too and you two don’t. I can’t have you two getting lost.. Plus, the ingredients should be around here.”

The blonds _grinned_. 

“Oh don’t worry about us, hon.” Gideon fixed his hair. “We won’t be leaving you anytime soon.”

“Staying by your side will be a _cinch.”_ Bill agreed.

Dipper frowned as the blonds neared to emphasize their point. “Yeah, no. Not that close.” He batted as arms looped around his own. “Keep your hands to yourself too. Ever heard of personal space? Or respect for that matter?”

The blonds pouted but unhooked their arms. Dipper heaved a relieved sigh. _Geeze._ They were just so _handsy._ At least they listened for once, though. 

“Keep your eyes peeled.” He instructed and pulled out his journal. ”I need to check something.”

As he flipped through the pages, quickly scanning the familiar words, he dimly became aware of heated voices increasing in volume. He scowled. The idiots were going to draw unwanted attention with their bickering! And he couldn’t focus. Jerks.

His eyes landed on one particular entry and a slow, evil little smile grew on his cheeks. He had just the plan to get them to shut up and focus. And if that plan involved a impossible task then oh well, they weren’t being helpful anyway.

He snapped the book shut and tucked it into his jacket. Pivoting, he slapped on a sickly sweet smile that if one looked too close they’d notice his smile twitched.

The teen rocked on his heels and sand. “Hey _Bill~ Gideon~_ Could you please do me a _favor?”_

His sing songy tone worked like a charm. The blond halted their bickering and stared, jaws steadily lowering. Dipper tilted his head and sweetened his smile, fighting back the twitches.

"Oh absolutely, hon."

"What do you need?”

" _Well_ ," he made sure to look down and fiddle with his hands for amplified cuteness.

He had once been told by Mabel that he was adorable when he shyly asked for something. Although at the time he’d been mortified, apparently she had been right as he glanced up at the slack jawed jerks.

Heh heh heh, they were falling for his act.

”I _really_ want a phoenix feather but I've never been able to find one on my own." 

He cranked up the charm as he slowly looked up with wide eyes. Slowly, he softened his expression into a nervous smile.

He kicked the ground with one foot and looked away. "Could you two look for one while I search for the other ingredients? It would mean _so much_ to me if you two worked _together_ to find one.”

Hmm…was he overdoing it? He glanced at the weirdos. Nope! They were like puddy in his hands with those entranced stares. Who knew he could be a charmer? He resisted the urge to buff his nails on his shirt peeking between his open jacket.

Gideon straightened and elaborately bowed. “It would be my pleasure to find a feather with Bill. Right, Cipher?”

Dipper withheld an evil chuckle. His act worked! Hell yes! Ah ha ha ha! The fools!

“Sounds like a deal.” Bill held out his hand and Gideon stood upright and accepted the shake.

Internally, Dipper did a little jig. They were off his back! He could finally _breathe_ and get some work done!

Outwardly, he grinned. “Thank you so much! Don’t stray too far, alright? A feather should be found in the trees. Make sure neither of you fall, alright!”  
“Will do, hon!”

Once they were out of sight, the teen puffed his cheeks, planted his hands on his hips, and exhaled. “ _Finally.”_

He grasped a container and set to work.

~oOo~

“Do you really think a phoenix would live in the woods?” Gideon wondered.

Bill shrugged. “We’ve gotta at least get him something if we can’t find a– _ow.”_

The young man scowled and rubbed his head, scanning the ground for the cause of his pain. He frowned when he spotted the culprit.

“How’d– _ow. Another_ one?”

Gideon looked up, puzzled. “Are rocks falling from the–what is _that?_.“

Bill nursed his wound with a pout and lifted his chin. His eyes widened. “ _Whoa.”_

“Is that…a _nest?”_

“It’s awfully huge for a bird nest.”

The suit wearing teen grinned. “About the right size for a phoenix, wouldn’t you say.”

Bill’s grin rivaled the teen’s. “I thought you didn’t believe in phoenixes.”

“Now I do. Let’s go!” 

Gideon shed his tie and suit, keeping his shirt on, while Bill removed his bow tie and vest. The young men placed their clothes atop a rock and set to clambering up the tree.

“Wanna bet I can make it up there first?” Bill challenged.

“We’re supposed to be working _together.”_

“Dipper doesn’t have to know.”

“You’re on!”

The blonds scrambled up the tree slowly. Clearly neither had experience in climbing trees as they kept slipping and clinging onto the various branches for dear life. 

“Maybe this was a bad idea.” Gideon panted.

“Maybe.” Bill agreed.

Not soon enough, they managed to arrive at the branch holding the nest. They collapsed onto the massive branch and heaved in air.

“Oh sweet heavens,” the messy haired teen bemoaned. “My _hair.”_

“Shad up.” Bill rebuked in a wheeze. “We are _never_ doing this again. You hear.”

“ _Agreed_.”

Bill lifted his chin and peered into the nest. A grin worked its way onto his face.

“Hey,” he limply swatted at the teen’s arm. “Guess what I spy.”

The teen’s gaze reluctantly shifted from his _ruined_ hair to the follow Bill’s line of sight. He cheered.

“A red and gold colored feather! That’s _gotta_ be it!”

“Even if it’s not then we can at least say we tried!”

The teens rushed forwards, outstretching their arms to reach into the massive nest made out of tree branches and stones. Even if the nest was massive and somehow supported in the tree, they didn’t want to risk putting their weight in the possibly fragile nest.

While they struggled to reach the feather, they failed to notice three ruby hued eggs shaking near the far end of the nest.

_Screech_.

The blonds yelped, as the caw pierced their ears. Losing their grip on the tree trunk, they tumbled forwards into the nest. They jerked their gazes up just as a clearly enraged red and gold feathered bird burst into flames.

“Oh dear.” Gideon’s jaw dropped.

The phoenix screeched once more and the blonds _screamed,_ scrambling back as the mother phoenix grasped the edge of the nest’s rocks with her talons. She flared her wings.

_Crack._

“Oh _shiiiiii–“_

~oOo~

Dipper removed his cap to brush a hand through his hair. “Where _is_ it?” He muttered.

He crossed his legs as he re-read the passage in his journal. He removed his hand from his hair to grasp the edge of the journal’s page and rubbed his thumb along the weathered parchment.

Absently, he heard a resounding _crack._

“ _Geeze_. How hard is it to find–“

Weight plopped into his aloft hat and he frowned, puzzled. “Oh that _better_ not be bird poop.”

He brought his hat to his chest and peered into the blue fabric. He blinked, however, when a pair of round eyes stared back at him. Surrounded by broken red egg shells was a fiery feathered bird. The bird chirped and he looked up. He paled.

Two round red eggs were falling fast and–were those _tree branches and rocks?_

Scrambling to his feet, he lunged to catch the first one with his hat, forgetting there was _already_ a feathered inhabitant. 

As the first egg landed, he heard an indignant squawk and cringed. “Sorry!”

Soon the second egg, right behind the first, crashed into his hat and the following high-pitched cheep was _definitely_ angry. Whoops. Could baby birds _get_ mad? Oh…hopefully the final two eggs were alright.

He rushed away from the falling tree branches and stones and stopped by a nearby tree. Peering into his hat once more, he sighed.

Three baby birds, one more dazed than the rest, flared their wings at one another. Covered in eggshells, they pecked at one another and the teen sagged against the tree, relieved they were all alive.

“Still…” He looked up. “Was that their–“

A furious screech resounded through the woods and wind buffeted his ears. He looked up and his jaw snapped shut.

“Annnd there’s the mother.”

The mother who happened to be a _phoenix_ of all things.

The bird burst into flames and flared her wings. Slowly, Dipper placed his hat on the forest floor and crawled backwards away. All the while, the mother stared him down and he shrank in on himself. Inwardly, he hoped she wouldn’t kill him.

The phoenix swooped forwards and he flinched as sparks from her feathers neared the dry forest floor. Oh…oh _no._ He’d be dead either way if her ignited feathers burnt the dry twigs on the ground and set the woods alight.

He held his breath as the giant bird poked her head into the hat and the flames cooled. Wisps of smoke rose form the avian’s form as she visibly relaxed. 

Thankfully, she hadn’t set his hat on fire.

Slowly the phoenix lifted her head from the hat and stared Dipper down.

He swallowed harshly. “Um…hello?”

The avian stared a moment longer before tucking in her wings and waddling closer. Dipper pulled away but his back collided against a tree and he watched warily as the seemingly calm bird leaned forwards and inhaled.

She flared her wings and shook. A crimson and gold hued feather fluttered onto his lap and he looked up, puzzled. She stared at him and turned away, ducking her head into his hat, she prodded the bickering birds– _geeze,_ they were like the bickering blonds–and placed a wing on the ground.

The baby birds stopped fighting long enough to hop onto her wing and nestled onto her broad back.

She spread her wings and with a strong flap she took to the sky.

Dipper’s eyes followed her flight through the canopy until she was out of sight. He exhaled, heart still hammering, and swiped the feather and his beaten up old hat, plopping it onto his head.

“Well I almost died today.” He idly noted, adjusting the hat.

_Crash._

He frowned and ventured closer to the noise. Two dazed, bruised, and scratched blonds stared at the sky with delirious smiles.

“We’re _alive_.” Gideon breathed.

Bill laughed hysterically. “We almost _died.”_

“Phoenix’s are _real.”_

Hurriedly scanning their forms for any signs of lethal injuries, Dipper sagged when he spotted none. But did they have any _internal_ injuries?

“Are you two alright?” He stepped over debris to crouch beside the blond’s heads. “Anything broken?”

Bill continued to laugh.

Dipper rolled his eyes. “Anything broken other than your minds?’

“You grabbed yours, didn’t you, Gideon?” 

Dipper frowned. “Wha–“

The blonds clumsily revealed a crimson and gold colored feather each. They grinned, and puffed their chests.

“We got you _two_ feathers.”


	20. Garden Shop Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper worked at a flower shop. A simple job really, until a pair of blonds walked in.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided?)

Dipper stared at the hysterical lunatics. Time ticked on until he exploded.

_“You idiots!”_ He yelled. “I can’t believe you _climbed into a phoenix’s nest and broke that nest and holy hell you could’ve been_ ** _killed!”_**

“But hon,” Gideon protested and brushed a hand through his ruined and dirtied hair, sitting up, “we got what you wanted!”

The teen’s chest heaved, face scarlet, before his exhaled and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I… I asked you that because I wanted you two off my back. I thought phoenix’s didn’t live in these woods and–urgh…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have put you in harms way, even if it was accidental. You two didn’t know that these woods are dangerous and–”

Bill cut in with a loopy grin. “Are you _kidding?_ We got to meet a _phoenix!_ Oh, but…” His grin widened, a light dusting of pink showing through his dirt covered cheeks. “It’s _quite nice_ to know you’re concerned.”

Dipper spluttered, cheeks heating and not from anger. “I just–shut up! I don’t want death on my hands, okay?”

“Dipper was worried~” Gideon sang, standing. “Dipper was worried about you and me~”

Dipper rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, turning his back on the grinning blonds as Gideon helped Bill to stand. As they shifted behind him, presumably fixing their hair or picking up the clothes they had previously put on a rock, Dipper pretended not to care.

He lifted his chin. “Whatever. Let’s get you guys back to the Shack and patch you up before you get an infection and die or something.”

“He really _is_ worried!” Bill giggled.

Dipper huffed as the blonds sidled to his side and he led them out of the woods. He’d have to come back for his materials and bag later, he had to patch up the blonds first and then get them out of his hair. As soon as they cleared the edge of the woods, he looked down at the feather in his hand.

Well, at least _one_ good thing came out of the near-death encounter. He brushed a thumb along the feather and blinked. _Whoa._ Super soft and probably had magical qualities he could use! He smiled. Cool.

“Oh, hon, we forgot to give these to you.” Gideon handed him another feather and Dipper blinked.

“Wait, but–”

“Yeah, here’s mine too.” Bill stuffed the feather into his hand.

“But–”

Bill grinned. “We said we’d give you a feather and that’s exactly what we’re doing!”

Blinking, Dipper stared for a moment then shrugged. “More for me, then. Thanks.”

“Oh and don’t forget hon,” Gideon grasped the Mystery Shack’s door knob. “We’ll pick you up for dance lessons tomorrow.”

Dipper groaned. “Fine, fine.” He crossed the threshold and waved the blonds in. “C’mon let’s patch you up before you bleed all over the floor.”

The blonds just smiled.

~oOo~

The next day rolled around and just as Dipper finished sweeping, the door jingled and the blonds appeared.

“Hon,” Gideon called. “We’re here to pick you up!”

Bill plucked the broom out of the teen’s grip and set it against a wall. Glancing at the teen’s hat, the young man grinned and looped an arm around Dipper’s own.

“C’mon, Pine Tree!” He laughed. “We’re gonna teach you how to move those feet of yours!”

“Pine Tree…?” The brunet muttered. “What kinda nickname–”

“And we’re off!” Bill dragged the teen to the exit.

Dipper had just enough time to call out a, “I’m heading out guys bye!” before Bill was out the door.

The teen matched his pace with Bill’s but didn’t bother to wrangle his arm free. When they arrived at the gold painted maserati, Dipper perked.

“I call shotgun!” He slipped out of Bill’s hold and rushed to the passenger side.

Bill unlocked the doors while Gideon humphed and piled into the back of the car. Dipper slid into the passenger seat and admired the interior. Now that he wasn’t _shoved_ inside the vehicle, he had the chance to absorb his surroundings.

Somehow, being in the blonds presence wasn’t as unbearable as when he had first met them. Odd.

Dipper didn’t linger on the thought much longer because his hand found the radio station and he cranked up the tunes as Bill pulled away from the Shack. When Discogirl played, he blushed and resisted the urge to sing along.

“Wow,” he commented instead, “I, uh, didn’t know they still played oldies.”

Bill grimaced. “That’s not...the radio playing…”

Dipper looked up. “What, you got a CD player or something? I don’t see it here. And aren’t those out of style?”

“He likes Babba’s music and has all their CDs,” Gideon drawled, “this _is_ a custom made car. He figured he’d get some use out of the CDs while he still could.”

“I could’ve said that myself!” Bill snapped, tightening his grip on the steering wheel.

“But you wouldn’t have.” Gideon rebuked.

A slow smile spread across Dipper’s face as his face flamed and he tested the waters. “So you, what, know the words?”

Gideon laughed. “Of _course_ he does.”

_“Gideon!”_ Bill whined. “You’re _embarrassing me!”_

“You gonna deny it, hon?”

Tentatively, Dipper prodded. “Can you prove it?”

“What?” The blonds focused on him.

He smiled. “Show me you know the words.”

“Uh…” Bill stammered.

“Oh, c’mon, hon,” Gideon goaded. “Are you scared?”

Rising to the bait, Bill puffed his chest and cleared his throat as the chorus played. “Discogirl, coming through~”

Unable to stop himself, Dipper pitched in, “That girl is you~” 

Gideon added his voice. “Ooo. Ooo.”

Together, they sang the rest of the song and Dipper laughed as the next Babba song came on and they continued to sing. He clapped his hands to the beat and Gideon patted his thighs to the off-beat while Bill hummed the instrumentals.

 Too soon, they passed through a gate and Bill cruised to a stop. Though Bill turned off the radio, the energy from the jam thrummed in Dipper’s veins and he found his cheeks hurt from smiling so much. 

His gaze shifted from closing the car door to a grand sight. His eyes widened.

A large garden stretched along a winding pathway, ending near a pair of regal gates. He pivoted to face forwards and he stared. The Northwest Manor couldn’t even _begin_ to compare to the massive, gold and light blue painted mansion standing before him. 

Bill hooked an arm around his own while Gideon mimicked on his other side. Together, the blonds brought him up a set of steps, across the porch, and through grand arching doors. Gideon turned the knob with his free hand and pushed.

The brunet’s jaw dropped. The interior was _massive._ From the piano resting by a pair of stairs winding to another floor to the left stretched the dining room and to his right lay the living room. Bill and Gideon tugged him past amber pillars and decorated walls. Their shoes clicked and echoed on the elaborately tiled flooring as they strode up the stairs and wove past light blue and golden chairs and couches. 

He blinked. How many seats did the blonds _need?_ Shaking his head, he continued his observation, peering through open doorways. They passed by _another_ living room, this time with a elegantly bricked fireplace. They dragged him away from wandering into either a library or an office room but either way he saw lots and _lots of books._

They crossed through another hallway with a set of doors. Just where were they going? He peeked once again. Ohp, that sky blue comforter on a large bed _had_ to be Gideon’s room and...the room next to that consisted of golden hues so there was a high chance _that_ bedroom belonged to Bill and the one next to _that_ was…

He frowned. A guest room? From his glance, the room seemed rather bare compared to Bill and Gideon’s. He shrugged and continued his observations.

“Are we almost there?” He questioned, leaning to spy into a room around Gideon.

Oh hey! He found the kitchen! And that looked like a... _wow_ big bathroom and the room they were walking into was…

“A ballroom?” He furrowed his brows. “Just how does this place _fit_ everything?”

Bill shrugged. “We have a big home.”

_“Massive_ more like.” Dipper countered and tilted his head back.

Yep, there was a chandelier in the room! Hopefully that wouldn’t wind up falling on them… That’d be bad.

The blonds released him and he blinked when the cool air hit his skin. He blinked. He didn’t...actually miss their warmth, did he? Shaking his head because the idea had to be _ludicrous,_ he straightened and swiveled his gaze onto the blonds.

“So what now?” He prompted.

“Now,” Bill announced, striding to a table and grasping a remote. “We teach you how to waltz.”

Bill clicked a button on the controller and music breezed into the room. 

Dipper raised a brow. “Last I checked, _Babba_ isn’t waltzing music.”

“Maybe not,” Gideon agreed, “but you know the rhythm and beat to this song, which’ll make learning the footwork easier.”

Bill tucked the remote into his tux shirt and sauntered to the teen’s side, grasping his hand. When the young man lifted the brunet’s hand to his lips, Dipper blushed.

“Uh…” He stammered, finding that the sensation wasn’t unpleasant.

“May I have this dance?” Bill teased with a smile and straightened. “Alright, alright, time to teach! Follow my lead!”

Bill placed a hand on Dipper’s waist and the other grasped his hand, tugging him close. Dipper blushed and realized just how short he was in comparison to the slender man. Bill placed a chin atop his head and hummed.

“Ready?”

Dipper inhaled. “Ready.”

And so Bill and Gideon alternated between teaching him the steps and the movements. By the time night arrived and the lessons drew to a close, Dipper untangled himself from his current mentor and rubbed the back of his head, ducking his head to hide his heated cheeks.

“Sorry about your guy’s feet,” he sheepishly smiled. Before he would have felt satisfaction for stomping on their toes, but now... “Though I did warn you that I have two left feet.”

He looked up through his bangs and paused. _Whoa._ The backdrop of the chandelier casting light on the blond’s faces had his heart racing and cheeks deepening their scarlet hue. _Damn._ The blonds looked _really_ good in their sharp attire and with the light casting a sort of _glow_ around them…

He shook his head. Just what was _with_ him today? _Geeze_. He needed to get it together. Inhaling, he rubbed his arm.

“So,” Dipper started, “it’s getting late…”

“Hon,” Gideon checked the rolex watch on his wrist. Whoa. Where did _that_ come from? “It’s past dinnertime and we have _plenty_ of rooms. Why don’t you stay overnight in a guest room? We won’t mind.”

“Uh…” Dipper stammered. “I dunno…”

Bill offered. “We’ve got phones! We can call your Grunkle to let him know we’ll drive you back before your work starts tomorrow!”

Still, the teen hesitated. “Um…” 

“We have anything and everything you could possibly need!” Gideon insisted. “Think of it like a sleepover!”

Dipper pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. What the hell, he had nothing to lose by staying, _and_ it’d be his first sleepover with guy friends–frenemies? 

_Friends_. Dipper decided. _They’re just friends._

His stomach churned. Why did the thought upset him? Once more he shook his head. He _really_ needed to pull himself together.

“Fine,” he agreed, “I’ll stay.”

Besides, it’s not like he would lay awake _thinking_ about them or anything.

His breath hitched as realization clicked.

_Oh no._


	21. Hide and Seek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper disguises as a witch to protect his identity while guarding the town. Unfortunately for him, two blonds are determined to figure him out.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

The teen adjusted the wig and twirled his wand. “Geeze, why do dress’s have to be so _airy?”_

“ _Dippingsauce_ ,” his twin scolded, dabbing her index finger into the fair skinned the foundation and dotting it onto his forehead, covering his birthmark. “When you agreed to guard the town, you agreed to crossdressing to hide your identity.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Okay no you didn’t.” Mabel agreed cheerily and applied the makeup into Dipper’s cheeks. “I just wanted to play dress up with someone.”

“I feel like a doll.” Dipper grouched as she took a damp special sponge to spread the foundation evenly. “It’s dark. No one’s going to see me, so why do I have to wear makeup?”

Mabel grinned. “Because I need to practice and your the perfect candidate!”

“What about Candy and Grenda?” He sucked in a breath and shut his eyes when his sibling grasped a fluffier brush.

“They’re out of town, silly!” Mabel coated the poofy brush into powder and patted it onto Dipper’s face.

While the teen resisted the urge to sneeze, Mabel finished coating his face to set the foundation in place. He tried not to groan as his sister continued on to apply makeup to his lips, eyebrows, and eyes. Not soon enough, she grasped a makeup setting spray to finally _, finally_ finish and be done with prepping him up. He shut his eyes as she added the final touch.

“Now to paint your nails!”

Oh _hell_ no.

Dipper launched himself off his grunkle’s couch and skirted around his sibling. He was willing to put on a wig. He could even handle makeup. Even _worse_ he could take wearing a dress. But his _nails?_ Nuh-uh. Even _he_ had limits.

_“Dipper!”_ She protested. “At least tie your shoes!” But was already out the door.

He checked his watch as he sped down the Mystery Shack’s path. Damnit, he was late in starting his patrol! Deciding he could afford to spend a bit of his magic resource, he waved his wand and muttered an incantation.

_Poof._

Dipper halted, dizzy. Whoo, he really needed to work on that spell. But hey! He looked around. At least he was at the edge of the town next to…he squinted in the dark and peered at a sign. Greasy’s Diner, alright. 

Now oriented, he checked inside the dark building but didn’t see any movement. Alright. No supernatural creatures there, so… He strolled down the street to check the next building and alley.

~oOo~

A yellow vest wearing teen studied his map as he walked. “Manly Dan _said_ the witch often starts her patrol near Greasy’s Diner. _Logically_ , we should start there.”

The blue suited teenager beside him frowned. “Do you honestly think she’d _still_ be there? _Obviously_ she would have moved on to a different place by now!”

The first young man scowled. “Are you the one with the map, _Gideon_ , or am I?”

Gideon narrowed his eyes. “Well _Bill_ ,” he bit out. “I’ll have you know that map is upside down!”

Bill paused, checking to find that the map was not, in fact, upside down. 

His scowl deepened. “Very funny. Ha. Ha.” He returned his focus to the map. “So if we’re here then Greasy’s Diner would be…”

While Bill muttered to himself, Gideon rolled his eyes but nonetheless smiled. He had successfully fooled the yellow haired smart aleck. Ha! In his face! 

_Crack._

Gideon tensed. “Did you hear that?” 

“What?” Bill looked up from the glossy parchment.

“It sounded like, I don’t know…bones cracking?”

“Ooo,” Bill cooed, pleased. “How exciting!”

“ _Bill.”_ Gideon hissed. “Now is _not_ the time for your sadistic tendencies! This could be our chance if it’s one of the creatures the witch hunts!”

“I thought the witch just protected the town, not went out and tracked down the paranormal.”

Gideon huffed. “ _Does it matter?_ This is our _chance to see the witch!”_

Bill finally grinned, having succeeded in riling his companion. “Good. It’s about time something exciting happened.”

The platinum haired blond rolled his eyes. “I swear you’ll be the death of me.”

Bill’s grin slowly stretched wider. “Really? When do you think I can call some funeral directors? I hear there’s a couple in this town that would be _more_ than happy to help me put you six feet under.”

“Oh hardy har har. Now would you just shush? I can’t hear if the–“

_Creak crack. Snap. Crackle._

“Um,” Gideon began with a frown. “That doesn’t sound good.”

Bill’s smile dropped. “Yeah and…do you smell smoke?”

They turned around but didn’t see anything. Odd. 

“Is there a fire or barbecue nearby?” Gideon inhaled. “Because I definitely smell smoke. But I don’t see any flames.”

_Crackle. Crackle. Sizzle._

“ _Get out of the way!”_

A force of bright blue slammed into the blonds, hurtling them off their feet and tossing them against the brick wall of a building. And not a second too soon because a stream of fire seared the ground where they stood moments earlier. The two blonds stared.

“Holy sh–“

“ _Get down!”_

Without thinking, the two complied just as another blast of fire blazed over their heads. The heat burned their backs but better a blister than turning into roast. They looked up just in time to see a blur of black rush in front of them. Soon the black figure raised their arms and a wall of blue silhouetted the stranger.

Bill and Gideon stared. Was this the witch?

~oOo~

Those _idiots._

What the hell did they _think_ they were doing wandering around on the outskirts of the town near the woods? Didn’t they know this was the shady part of town? The part where supernatural beasts tended to gather when they tried to leave the woods?

Those _idiots_.

He had to save their sorry behinds thanks to their carelessness!

Seething internally, because they could’ve _died_ if he hadn’t shown up, Dipper muttered an incantation and _shoved._ The blue forcefield flung from his hands and wrapped around the beast. The monster snarled an struggled in the bindings but couldn’t break free. Dipper peered closer.

“Looks like a Bone Dragon.” He muttered. “Huh, I’ve only heard of those in rumors. Didn’t think they actually existed.”

Wait. Remembering he was angry, he pivoted to face the blonds on the ground. 

_“You two!”_ He yelled. “You are _idiots!_ Numbskulls! Nimrods! Dummies! Dummies dummies dummies! What do you think you were _doing_ coming to this part of town? Don’t you know how _haunted_ this section of town is?”

The yellow vest wearing stranger recovered first. “ _Wow_. That was _hot_.”

Dipper blushed. “Um–“

“The flames or the witch?” It seems the blue suited teen had recovered as well.

Dipper intercepted the conversation, forgetting to pitch his voice into a falsetto. “Does it _matter?_ You two could’ve been _killed!”_

“For a girl, you have a very boyish voice.” The vest man commented and in the dim lighting of the streetlight Dipper could just barely see a leer.

His flush deepened. Oops. Well it was too late to try to pretend his voice was higher than it actually was. Ugh. Dipper shook his head. He needed to focus before his magic reserves depleted.

“Look,” Dipper began, inhaling deeply to center himself. “I’m going to go take care of this guy and you two are going to go to your homes. Okay?”

Without waiting for a response, he turned to approached the writhing dragon. 

“Wait!” The platinum blond called. “We have so many questions!”  
“Too bad!” He broke into a sprint to the bound creature.

Any question asked could risk his identity. He was a terrible actor and they might be able to glean information from his reaction alone!

“But we want to know who you are!”

He scoffed internally. If he wanted people to know _that_ then he wouldn’t go through the trouble of a disguise! Just as he was halfway to the dragon, his left sneaker slipped off his foot. 

“We’ll find you anyway that we can!” The vest man promised.

Oh hell no, this was like something straight out of Cinderella! Damnit! He should’ve tied his shoes like Mabel always told him! He contemplated rushing back to grab his shoe because that was a potential clue to his identity before deciding that no, the blonds probably weren’t _complete_ dimwits and would try the feet of all the girls in the town. Or boys for that matter. Whoo. Then he was in the clear.

Except for the fact he was wearing _boy’s_ sneakers.

Eh. He shrugged and skidded to a halt next to the bound dragon, placing a hand on the dragon’s bindings. It was just a shoe. It wasn’t like they could find him based on _that_ , right? He and the dragon vanished with a _poof._

Right?


	22. Unfortunate Exploration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploring a haunted mansion would've been fun if the ghosts living there weren't trying to kill him.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for this oneshot was requested by some of my reviewers over on Fanfiction.Net.  
> (I share these oneshots on both Fanfiction.Net and here.)

He’d heard the dangers of the haunted mansion. He’d seen the decrepit exterior and the ruined yard, just like a scene in a horror film. 

Really, he should have _known._

Dipper jiggled the knob but the door to the exit wouldn’t budge. He thinned his lips and rubbed his arm. Damnit. He really should’ve thought this through. He sighed and pivoted.

If he couldn’t leave from the jammed front, then he’d find another way out.

His gaze swept across the hall, from the ragged odd stained red rug winding up a staircase to the portraits on the walls. Shivers crept up his spine as he eyed the cracked wood of the floor and the spiderwebs on the wall. This was a bad idea. 

Still, his curiosity had brought him here, he might as well explore.

Absently, he placed a hand on the railing of the steps, only to recoil upon feeling the thick layer of dust. Oh ew, _gross._ He grimaced and wiped his palm on his paints. Moving on, his ventured up the stairs and stopped at the top to stare. A painting of two frowning blonds stared back in a gigantic portrait.

Dipper shivered. It was almost as if the blonds eyes were piercing his own gaze. 

He blinked.

Slowly, the painted frowns stretched into too wide smirks as the figures blinked in sync. 

And he _screamed._

Dipper scrambled backwards as transparent figures of the blonds seemed to peel from the painting itself to the hover just slightly above the floor, yet still tower above the nineteen year old. He shook.

“Well well well, brother of mine!” The top hatted blond tipped his hat to the blond with an apparently gelled poof of hair. “It seems we have a visitor!”

“Why yes we do!” The other returned. “Let’s see if he’ll _stay awhile.”_

Stomach churning because those grins looked downright _murderous,_ Dipper trusted his instincts and lurched backwards just as the two lunged forwards. Just barely, he evaded their gasp.

“Cute _and_ quick!” The yellow vested ghost crowed. “We’re keeping him!”

“And he’s staying _forever.”_ The other agreed, grasping a rusty knife from a nearby table.

“We won’t let you get away like the last fool who passed through!”

Dipper’s breath hitched as the knife was flung towards him. He dodged, but the blade still nicked his arm and his winced, staggering further backwards.

And then he had no more floor.

His heel tripped down on the edge of the top step and his weight pitched. He gasped as he slipped, tumbling down down and down…

Dipper swore loudly as he slowed to a stop and another knife whizzed past.

_They were trying to kill him!_

He finally rolled to a stop and rushed to his feet, all but throwing himself at the door and yanking on the knob. Damnit! Why wouldn’t it _open?_

_“Ah ah ah,”_ Twin psychotic laughter scolded. “You’re not going _anywhere.”_

_Whizz._

Dipper gargled out a scream.

The knife had hit its target.


	23. Turf War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a fight breaks out in the streets between two gangs, Dipper tries to slip away only to be cornered by the blond mafia bosses themselves.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

Downtown was known for its shady streets at night and its bustling activity during the day. From the rowdy bars to the busy shops, excitement and danger could be found.

Like, for instance, right now.

“Who you callin’ a _unicorn_ you _triangle_ scum!”

Dipper dodged a drunken fist and side stepped another gang member’s punch. Damn! Why were the drunken gang members attacking _him?_ He wasn’t even _in_ either of the mafia groups!

“We are the _Eyes of Illuminati,”_ someone else rebuked, supposedly from the opposing gang. _“_ If you’re going to insult someone, _poofy performers,_ do it right!”

“How _dare_ you insult our hair! And we are the _Brotherhood_ of Performers! How about _you_ get it right!”

Dipper lunged out of the way as the two of the several alcohol reeking men clashed. _Geeze._ All he wanted was to buy a gift for his sister’s birthday! _Not_ be mauled as soon as he walked out the door! He tried to push his way out of the crowd but a flurry of fists from multiple men kept pushing him back.

“You outta be called the Brotherhood of _Losers!”_

The nineteen year old gasped when a kick slammed into his side and he staggered. _Ow!_ That _hurt!_ Already unbalanced, a stranger took advantage and hooked a fist straight into his stomach. He curled inwards, winded, and dropped to the floor. Gasping for air, he rolled on the pavement, trying to ignore the pulsing pain in his stomach and the glass shards from broken beer bottles nicking his skin. Maybe he could _roll_ his way out.

“Your the _blind_ eyes, because you can’t see what’s in front of you!”

“Well _you–“_

_“Shut up!”_

_“Get him!”_

_“We’ll settle this once and for all!”_

Dipper lurched to his feet and shoved aside the roaring men. Just barely, he managed to break through the crowd and hurled himself around a corner and into the first alley he came across.

Had he known _what_ exactly was down this alley, he would have run elsewhere.

Dipper leaned forwards, planting his palms on his knees, and inhaled sharply. That was too close. Bruised and battered, he straightened.

“Tell you what, hon, if _you_ give up some of your turf, _I’ll_ share some of my gang’s narcotics.” 

Dipper swallowed. Oh dear. That sounded like a black market dealer.

“Uh huh, my team smuggles plenty of drugs. It’s the rare animals _I’m_ interested in.”

Curiosity his bane, Dipper wandered closer, ducking behind a trashcan to peer around another corner of the dirty alley. He blinked. Two sharply dressed men were scowling at one one another, one wearing a yellow vest with black sleeves and the other a blue suit.

“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you twice. You are _not_ getting my albino tiger.”

“Where’s the logic in _that,_ you dummy? _”_

“Why you–“

Were they one of those rich white men who got their money through illegal means? Dipper shifted closer, accidentally knocking against the tin can. The clatter reverberated in the following silence and he sucked in a breath. Maybe they couldn’t see him.

“Oh my, _what do we have here?”_

Dipper stiffened because suddenly the yellow vest wearing blond was looming over him, baring his teeth in an imitation of a smile. He squeaked when the man’s gloved hands snagged his biceps and dragged him out from behind the trash can.

“You’re such a pretty young thing!” The blond leaned close to whisper into his ear. “Too pretty to be in a place like this.”

Dipper spluttered. “T–That’s not–I am _not pretty._ Let go of me! _”_

“What spying little rat did you catch, Bill?”

Dipper wriggled in the grip as the man pivoted, dragging him along, and faced the speaker. “Not a rat, Gideon, but a nosy little mouse.”

The poofy haired blond stopped short. “My goodness, he’s got the face of an angel!”

Bill tugged him close. “He’s _mine_. I found him first!”

Gideon huffed and sauntered over, stretching out a hand. “Here, hon, come with me. I’ll take good care of you, unlike that _ruffian_ imprisoning you.”

Not wanting _any_ part of this, Dipper squirmed. “ _Let me go!”_

“Aw, you’re _scarin’_ him!” The blue suited man protested. “Give him to me!”

“ _No!”_ The blond looped an arm around Dipper’s waist and hefted the teen into the crook of his black sleeved arm. 

_“Bill!”_

_“Catch me if you can!”_


	24. Fashion Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Needing a job in Piedmont, Dipper manages to score one as a UPS delivery boy. But his first delivery goes haywire when he’s tricked into signing a contact with a pair of lovestruck fashion designers.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit: Story idea goes to commenter kcm! (Yep! I do take requests)
> 
> Kudos to Forever_Sweet for being amazing, as usual, and bouncing ideas back and forth with me!

A pair of blonds sauntered down the hall, blazing through the crowd of bustling stagehands. 

The tuxedo wearing man grasped his yellow sleeve and tugged it back to check the watch on his wrist. “The fashion show begins in two hours! I expect everyone to be ready in _one_ hour!”

The blue suited blond beside him tacked on. “Lights, sound, and costumes should be _perfect_ by then!”

The black clothed crowd hastened their pace in a flurry of chatter. When they’re lead designers gave an order, they _followed_ that order.

“Bill,” the blond with a curly poof announced above the noise, “I’ll check on our male models.”

“Then I’ll check on the females.” Bill nodded. “Meet you in five, Gideon?”

“Deal.”

The blonds split, one striding to a door to knock on the woman’s dressing room while the other crossed the hall and entered the men’s. 

“Almost finished, I should hope?” Gideon scanned his gaze across the room. “Any mishaps?”

His models chorused a ‘no’ and Gideon smiled. “Good to hear! We still have two–“

“You mean to tell my my _most important_ model is a _no show?”_

Gideon jerked. He couldn’t have heard that right. The young man rushed out of the room and halted just outside the door. There, red faced, stood his fellow fashion designer yelling at a clearly bored redheaded woman.

The make-up artist popped her gum. “That’s what I said.”

“I outta _fire_ you for your insolence!”

“Eh, whatever.”

Bill spluttered as she returned to the dressing room. Bill whirled on his heel and spotted Gideon. He opened his mouth just as a stagehand skidded to a halt in front of them.

“A package has arrived for you Mr. Cipher! The delivery guy is waiting at the backstage door.”

Bill inhaled and waved his hand. “Very well, thank you.” He raised a brow and Gideon fell into step beside him. “Do you have any good news, Gideon?”

“The men are just about done, hon.” Gideon confirmed.

“Maybe the delivery man will have good news too.” Bill remarked drily.

Gideon rolled his eyes as they curved around a corner and soon opened the backstage door. Standing there, struggling beneath the weight of a medium sized package while balancing the clipboard on top, was a ruffled young man.

The teen smiled nervously upon noticing the two. “Oh, um, hello. Is one of you Mr. Cipher or Mr. Gleeful?”

Oh this was _excellent_ news.

~oOo~

Dipper smiled awkwardly as both the men nodded with cat like grins. Oh, gosh, why were they staring at him like that? Did he do something wrong?

“Oh, well, um, if one of you could just sign by the X here on this paper, then…Oh wait, you need a pen, um, hold on…”

He struggled to balance the package with one hand while the other patted his pockets. Geeze, just _what_ was inside the package? Weights? As he continued to pat his pants pockets, he noticed the blonds exchanging silent stares in his peripheral vision. His face flamed in embarrassment. Wait, where was his pen? 

“Oh no, oh no no no,” his ears burned. “I’m sorry, I think I left my pen in the truck. Gosh, I’m so sorry, I’m just new at this so I don’t… Here, give me a moment and I’ll go get a–“

The tuxedoedman narrowed his eyes and his smile widened into a tiger’s grin. “No need. Gideon, won’t you kindly grab a pen for our good fellow? And don’t forget the paper that he needs to sign as well.”

Gideon’s grin rivaled the man’s. “I’d _gladly_ oblige.”

The blue suited stranger curved around a corner and Dipper started to hear the faint sounds of tapping, as if someone were typing fast on a computer.

Dipper stammered. “Paper that _I_ sign? But that’s not–“

“Rather unusual yes,” The mad agreed. “But not for deliveries to the fashion industry. You said you’re new, so it’s understandable that you wouldn’t know of our tradition.”

“Um…” Dipper hesitated. This _was_ his first delivery, after all. He didn’t know _all_ the ropes yet. “Okay…”

“Yes, see,” the man continued. “If this were a delivery to a house it would be just the receiver’s signature. But since you are delivering to a business, and thus delivering supplies, we need your signature as proof that we received the supplies and thus do not need to accidentally contact UPS or FedEx to report that we did not receive our order when, in fact, we did.”

Dipper’s gaze glazed. What was the guy talking about? Nonetheless, he nodded along, as was the polite thing to do.

“Alright. Sorta makes sense, I guess.”

“I’m Bill, by the way.” The man’s grin shifted into a smirk. “I’d shake your hand but I think you need it at the moment.”

“Um, yes…”

The man hummed. “Gideon,” he called. “Have you printed out the paper yet?”

Dipper tilted his head upon hearing an odd noise. Was that the whirring of a machine? What kind of thing were they printing anyway? Hopefully he wasn’t being pranked…

Faintly, he heard a “yes! Be there in a bit!”

Shortly, Gideon reappeared holding a clipboard, a pen, and two pieces of paper clipped in. Just barely Dipper could see that the top paper was white while the bottom was yellow, like one of those business papers where the ink would bleed through the white paper to write on the yellow paper as well. Well, if this _was_ a prank, they certainly were acting _very_ professional. Logically, they wouldn’t go through so much trouble for just a dumb trick, right?

The unease didn’t fade.

“Here you go, hon, sign this first and then we’ll sign yours. Don’t worry about what the fine print says, it’s just business jargon.”

Deciding to trust the two despite his warning instincts, Dipper accepted the pen with one hand and tried not to fall over as the package weighed in his other arm. He scribbled his signature in the designated area, not bothering to read the words on the official looking page.

Dipper returned the pen. “Now if you’ll just si– _hey!”_

Gideon hooked his arm around Dipper’s waist and _beamed_. “Thanks for agreeing to be our model!”

“What?” Dipper spluttered, staggering in surprise. “But you said–“

“Shoulda read the fine print,” Bill laughed. “Let me see what exactly he agreed to.”

Gideon dragged Dipper across the threshold and handed Bill the clipboard and pen. Dipper struggled beneath the weight of the box and simultaneously tried to pull away from the handsy jerk. Bill closed the door and skimmed his eyes across the page.

Bill would whistle. “I _like_ this deal.” 

Dipper squirmed. _What deal?_ “What is _going on? Lemme go!”_

“Nuh uh, hon,” Gideon denied. “You signed a contract. You’re working for _us_ now.”

“Don’t forget about the dates!” Bill added obnoxiously cheerful.

“Now to get you dressed up…”

Dipper continued to protest loudly. 

This was _not_ what he signed up for. 

They curved around a corner and walked down a hall, Dipper wriggling all the while, until Bill open a door and Gideon ushered the unsuspecting UPS delivery boy inside. Dipper managed to break free and dropped the box onto the counter connected to the wall length mirror. Oddly enough, Bill didn’t enter the…Dipper scanned the empty room. Why did they drag him to a _dressing room?_

In his distraction, he failed to notice the poofy haired jerk’s approach. Gideon swept Dipper into his arms and pinned him there.

“Cut it out and _let me go!”_ Dipper tugged on the prick’s grip.

Gideon just clicked his tongue. “You agreed to the–“

“No, I _didn’t_.”

“Would you like to see your signature on the contract?”

Bill burst in before Dipper could reply, wielding a glamorous and poofy dress, as well as several boxes of tissues. Dipper’s stomach churned. What was the weirdo planning to do with _that?_ Nothing good, he could tell.

Bill approached the two with an evil smile. “Lovely gown, isn’t it? I designed it myself. And guess who’ll look _lovely_ wearing it?”

Dipper stilled. “You’re not expecting _me_ to wear _that_ are you?”

“But of course!” Bill cheered. “Now come on! The show starts in an hour. We’ve got to get you prepped!”

“But I’m a guy!”

“If women can wear pants, then men can wear dresses! Besides, you’ll look _breathtaking!”_

“Then ask some _other_ guy who actually _likes_ dresses because _I don’t wanna wear a dress!_ ”

The blond jerks ignored his protests. Dipper struggled wildly as the two ganged up on him and pushed him into one of the changing stalls. 

Verging on desperation, he yelled. “Show me the proof!”

Bill whipped out the white contract while Gideon snatched Dipper’s biceps to keep him from ripping up the parchment. Even with Gideon holding Dipper back, Bill held the page out of reach as a precautionary measure. Dipper hurriedly read the first paragraph, steadily draining in color. His eyes dropped to the second paragraph just as Bill folded the paper and tucked the contract into a pocket inside his tux.

“Wait I haven’t–“

“So you’ve seen that you’ve agreed to being our runway model. You’ll learn what else your required to do after the show. Now is the time to change!”

Gideon shifted his arms to tug on Dipper’s sweatshirt. All the while, Dipper struggled while Bill swiped his hat and Gideon removed his sweatshirt. The moment they grasped his shirt, however, he finally relented.

“ _Fine.”_ He snapped, batting at their insistent hands.”I’ll wear the dumb thing. Hand it here.”

Bill grinned widely and gave him his prized design and together with Gideon the blonds left the stall, shutting the door behind them. Dipper blushed and scrunched his face as he studied the blue fabric. He was expected to wear _this?_

“If you take too long, we’ll come in there and put it on _for_ you, hon.”

Dipper blanched in horror. Nope. _That_ wasn’t happening. Gritting his teeth, he removed his clothes and struggled to put on the dress. It took him a good five minutes to realize their was a zipper on the back of the gown. 

“Are you almost done? Because–“

_“One second!”_ Dipper squeaked, his voice muffled, because he was half undressed with the dress bunched around his shoulders. How in the world did people _wear_ these things?

He floundered with the zipper until he _finally_ managed to pull it down and stuff his torso through the resulting open hole. He slipped his arms through the veil like short sleeves, then wrangled the poofy dress down his torso so the lower half was a messed up bunch around his thighs. he tried to straighten the darn thing only to find the dress had multiple layers and he couldn’t tell if his tugging would _break_ the dumb thing or not.

He exhaled heavily, agitated, and fiddled with the plastic straps hanging from the sleeves, beneath his armpits. What were _those_ for? Did he slip his arms through _those_ too? He twisted and turned, trying to bend his arm enough to fit his hand through the clear strap. When he _finally_ managed to get his arm through and place the strap over his shoulder, he found the strap was too tight and it dug into his skin.

“This _sucks.”_ He grumbled and tried to remove the strap only to realize he would have to contort his body even _more_ to take it off. “Somebody help me.”

Deciding not to try the same thing with the _other_ strap, Dipper tucked the bothersome piece of clothing into the sleeve. Geeze. Why were dresses so _complicated?_ How could Mabel even _like_ wearing these things?

Well, forget it. He was as presentable as he was going to _get_ and if they had a problem with that then they just had to _deal with it._

Huffing, Dipper opened the stall.

“Took you long– _what?”_

“Hon, oh my–“

Bill’s exclamation blazed over Gideon’s. “The ruffled _tiers!_ You’ve gone and _messed them up!”_

He sped to the teen, setting to fix what Dipper had so carelessly _ruined!_ Dipper rolled his eyes. Geeze. Over-reacting, much?  
Still, Dipper let the obsessive weirdo tug and straighten the ruffles on the lower half of the gown until they fell in waves. When he was apparently satisfied, he moved on to adjusting the rest of Dipper’s mishap.

Bill flattened a sleeve only to frown when he noticed the unworn plastic strap. He looped a finger through the piece and tugged. “You need to wear this.”

Dipper scoffed. “Just stuff it in the sleeve and no one will notice. It’s _see through._ Who’s going to be looking that closely anyway?”

“Only everyone.” Bill shrugged, seemingly nonchalant before pinning Dipper with a glare. “And so you’re going to _wear it.”_

Dipper grumbled. “It’s too tight, jerkface.”

The prick rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “It’s _supposed_ to be, to keep the dress from slipping off. If you didn’t put _this_ on, them I guessing you didn’t put on the bra either.”

The teen crossed his arms. Why would I need to do that? No one’s going to see it.”

“Go put it on.”

“But–“

“ _Put it on.”_

Dipper sighed and returned to the stall, shutting the door behind him. Hastily, he messed with the clothing until he finally put on the extra piece of clothing. Unkempt all over again, he stepped out of the stall.

“There, happy?”

“Hardly.” Bill curled his lip. “You’ve gone and ruined my gown _again.”_

“Tough.” Dipper shot back.

Bill inhaled, and set to work.

Once he finished cleaning up Dipper’s mess, Bill turned to an amused Gideon. “Tissues?”

“Got ‘em.” Gideon gave the tissue box to the jerkface.

“Thanks.” Bill stuffed his hand into the box and whipped out several tissues. “Now just stand still while I…”

“Wait, what’re you– _hey!”_

Bill tugged the front of his dress forwards and shoved the tissues into the bra. Dipper watched, displeased and confused, as the tux wearing weirdo filled the bra with tissues. 

“Why are you–“

“Questions later.” The jerk terminated the conversation.

By the time the prick was finally satisfied, he stepped back, admiring his handiwork.

“You know,” Bill shifted his weight onto one leg and brought a gloved hand to his chin. “The blue color really brings out his eyes.”

Dipper rubbed his arm, uncomfortable. “Why did you–“

“And the jeweled soutache accents his figure.”

“Why–“

“Not to mention the veil like short sleeves bring attention to his rosy cheeks.”

“Would you just _let me finish?”_ Dipper slammed a fist against the stall door.

The resulting noise startled the blonds and the teen growled. “I want _answers._ ”

“And you’ll get them!” Gideon threw in. “ _After_ the show.”

“Then _at least_ answer why you made me wear a bra and then _stuffed tissues into_ that _very same bra?”_

“Oh, that’s easy.” Bill waved a lazy hand. “You’ve got to look the part, and we don’t do things _half-way.”_

Gideon then patted a stool beside him. “Sit on down, hon, it’s time to add your make-up.”

Dipper grouched but complied, plopping onto the chair and facing the poofy haired weirdo. While Gideon dabbed a wedge sponge into the corresponding foundation, Bill slipped deep blue high heels onto Dipper’s feet. Dipper tried not to cringe as the two finished dolling him up.

Someone knocked on the door. “The show will begin in ten minutes! Places everybody!”

Gideon added the final touches and patted Dipper’s shoulder. “That’s our cue!”

“Wait,” Dipper floundered as Bill tugged him to his feet. “What do I do?”

The tuxedoed blond explained. “When it’s your turn, you just walk down the runway.”

“But–“

Gideon added. “Make sure to walk on _immediately_ after the model before you walks off. Don’t dilly dally on stage. And _don’t trip.”_

Dipper bit his lip as they dragged him out of the room and through the backstage area. They guided him to his place in a line of both male and female models. The models behind him spared him a glance, but then returned their focus onto…whatever it was they were focusing on. Their posture, maybe? Centering themselves? Focusing? Dipper had no clue.

The blonds then abandoned him with cheery farewells. “We’ll be in the front row, hon!”

Dipper rubbed his arm as they left, wishing he had his beat up old hat to fidget with and to hide his face behind. Only distantly he heard a loud speaker begin an announcement and in turn the first model stepped onto the stage.

His heart hammered and his legs shook. Steadily, his hands became clammy. He bit his lip. The line was shrinking so _fast_ and the models in front of him were leaving, probably to return to the dressing room where, once they changed, they could go _home_ and _oh_ he wished he was home…

The model in front of him entered the stage.

His breath shortened. Oh gosh. Now was _not_ the time for stage-fright and anxiety! He inhaled sharply and staggered when he felt dizzy.

He straightened. “C’mon Dipper…” He murmured. “ _Breathe._ You can _do this.”_

He inhaled deeply and slowly, and at the peak, he exhaled. He repeated the exercise until the model exited the stage.

Looks like his turn had arrived.

He stepped onto the stage, the light blinding his eyes and he squinted, fidgeting in place as a speaker boomed.

“The trans woman!”

Hoping that was his cue, Dipper wobbly walked forwards, trying to remember that with heels the walk had to be a fast _heel toe, heel toe._

He halted at the bottom of the runway and paused, the words finally registering. He blushed. He was not a trans woman! He was just…cross-dressing for the moment…

“The rich blue gown,” the speaker announced and Dipper shakily posed, mimicking the other models he’d seen do so before. “Complete with thin but warm sleeves, perfect for chilly weather.”

“ _Dipper!”_

Dipper froze. No. No it _couldn’t be._  

That _couldn’t_ be his sister’s voice!

He squinted against the spotlight, forgetting to shift poses as he scanned the crowd. His gaze halted on a bouncing figure and he paled.

His sister had seen him in a _dress._

Mortified, he swiveled on his heel and took a step. His ankles jerked inwards.

“The ruffled tiers accent the figure!”

“ _Dipper! It’s me, Mabel!”_

Just as he had barely caught his balance, the confirmation had him wobbling.He took another step and his foot caught on the edge of the dress. He pitched forwards.

“And to top it off, the jeweled soutache emphasizes the location of the seams with refined skill that adds to the overall–“

Dipper fell flat on his face.

The crowd erupted into laughter and his cheeks burned in embarrassment. He scrambled to his feet, nearly falling again, and rushed off the stage without a trace of dignity.

“…now on to the next contestant!”

Finally off stage, Dipper kicked off the shoes and _sprinted._ He was getting _out_ of there! He raced back to the dressing room and shoved open the door.

He’d skidded to a halt, however, upon seeing several male models.

“Uh-um…” he stammered, abruptly remembering that he was wearing a _dress_.

Instead of the anticipated laughter, the men just smiled sympathetically and carried on with removing make-up or entering stalls to change.

One man offered. “Bill and Gideon rope you into this?”

“…yes…”

The model jerked a thumb behind him. “I think that’s your clothes over there on the stool.”

Dipper stammered out a thank you and zoomed to his clothes and into a stall. Hurriedly, he ripped off the clothing and changed into his normal attire. He rushed out of the stall. Forget the contract! Forget the box! He was _out_ of there!

Only, as soon as he opened the door, he crashed into a pair of blonds.

_Damnit._  


	25. Fashion Disaster Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Needing a job in Piedmont, Dipper manages to score one as a UPS delivery boy. But his first delivery goes haywire when he’s tricked into signing a contact with a pair of lovestruck fashion designers.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

 

Dipper recoiled, face flaming. “Leave me alone!”

Bill reached out a hand but Dipper tugged the bill of his hat down and pushed past. He was _not_ sticking around, no matter _what_ a dumb contract he was _tricked_ into signing said! Bare and gloved hands wrapped around his biceps and his embarrassment flared into anger. They had _no right_ to be near him after what they put him through! He shook them off, acerbic retort ready but Gideon cut him off.

“You were _great,_ hon! Just next time–“

“ _No!”_ He snapped, fighting against their grip. “There will _be_ _no next time_ because _y_ ou _tricked_ meand they _laughed at me!_ Now get your hands _off_ of me!”

“You signed–“

“I don’t care!” Dipper yelled and rushed to the door, forgetting there were other people present. “You dirty liars _tricked_ me!”

“Hey,” Bill warned. “You’re causing an unpleasant scene.”

“Well _good!”_ Dipper snapped, grasping the knob. “Maybe it’s time other people realized that you’re a scheming–“

“Watch your–“

He flung open the door, the blonds hot on his heels. “–bunch of–“

“Why, you–“

“ _Dippingsauce!”_

Weight slammed against his torso and fuzzy fabric latched around his shoulders. Dipper gasped and staggered beneath the pounds of a glitter coated body. Remembering his sibling had seen him in a dress, his ears burned.

"Oh my gosh bro-bro, you were _great!_ Except when you tripped and all, but that's okay, mistakes happen. Why didn't you _tell_ me you were interested in fashion too? You coulda set me up a gig!”

Despite his embarrassment, Dipper laughed into her sweater. “Good to see you too. Now can you get offa me?”

His sister released his torso and bounced around him, her grin infectious. “ _Soooo,_ how’d you manage to get on the runway?”

His cheeks burned and he fiddled with his hat, unconsciously glancing at the culprits. “Um–“

She followed his gaze then _squealed._ Brightening like a blinding spotlight, she zeroed in on the pair of famous fashion designers and took off. Dipper reentered the room halfheartedly. He couldn’t leave his sister alone with these two weirdos.

“Hellohellohellohello!” She greeted, thrusting out a hand. “I’m Mabel Pines, Dipper’s sister and your number one fan! Would either of you like to go on a date with me?”

Dipper scowled. “ _Mabel_ , they’re just a bunch of jerks _._ Don’t date them.”

Mabel blazed over her brother’s negativity with practiced optimism. “Oh they can’t be _that_ bad! They’re my idols after all!”

Bill grinned and accepted the handshake. “Is that so? Pleased to meet you Ms. Mabel, I am William Cipher but you may call me Bill.”

Mabel cheered and wildly shook the blond’s hand. “This is so _awe—“_

_“Found you!”_

Dipper squawked as a bunch of guards stormed into the room and in the process squished him into a corner. He wriggled when he heard his sibling laugh.

“I found my brother, guys!”

“C’mon, kid,” one of the guards stomped forwards. “Only authorized persons are allowed backstage.”

Through the gaps between some of the bodies, Dipper could see his sibling duck behind an amused Bill. Dipper rolled his eyes and pushed his way out of the corner.

“Sorry sirs,” he began as he broke through the crowd, “but we’ll be going–“

“Bowling!” His sister cut in. “The four of us should go bowling and get to know each other better and talk about fashion!”

Dipper groaned. “ _Mabel.”_

“C’mon bro-bro!” She bounced in place. “It’ll be fun!”

Dipper just scrunched his face. Go bowling with the two weirdos? “Um, no.”

“Aw, c’mon!” She prodded.

He crossed his arms. “No.”

The guards, models, and blonds in the room watched the two siblings bicker back and forth like a tennis match until finally Dipper threw his hands into the air.

“ _Fine.”_ He relented. “I’ll go bowling. Tomorrow.”

“Nuh-uh,” his sibling caught onto his ploy. “Not falling for it, broseph! I don’t have their number yet, so we’ll have to do it _today.”_

The teen huffed. “Well I doubt they’d agree to it _anyway.”_

“Actually,” Gideon cut in with a smile. “We’d love to go bowling.”

Oh no no no _no._ Dipper rushed forwards and grabbed his sibling’s arm. “Nope! Not happening! _Bye!”_

Mabel dug her feet into the floor. “ _Dipping dot!”_ She whined. “They said yes!”

“And I said _no!”_

“Then I’ll go with them by myself! 

“No!” Dipper whirled. “I don’t trust them!” 

“Well I _do!”_

“Because you’re totally _crushing_ on them! Remember Norman? I didn’t trust him either and he turned out to be _gnomes! Gnomes,_ Mabel!”

“But they’re my _idols,_ Dipper!” She protested. “They _inspire_ me! I could ask them _so many questions_ ”

Dipper halted and bit his lip. He knew how much fashion designing meant to his sibling. He sighed and released her arm.

“ _Fine.”_ He pivoted to glare at the blonds. “But don’t you two _dare_ trick her into doing anything she doesn’t want to do.”

“You have our word, hon,” Gideon allowed then added with a murmur to Bill. “She’s not the one we want, anyway.”

Bill chuckled then announced. “Then shall we take the limo? It’ll fit all of us.”

The twin’s focus zeroed on the blond. “ _Limo?”_ They shouted in sync.

“But of course!” Gideon exclaimed. “We only travel in _style.”_

The siblings exchanged stares, one thrilled and the other wary.

Dipper lifted his hands with a sigh. “Let’s get this over with.”

~oOo~

“ _Strike!”_

“Yeah, Mabel! Show ‘em who’s boss!” Dipper threw his fist into the air, cheering, then whirled to point at the blonds. “In your _faces!”_

He laughed and rushed to his sister, a hand in the air while the blonds continued to stare, dumbstruck. She met his high five with one of her own and burst into laughter.

“You were great!” Dipper couldn’t help but grin wider. “You shoulda seen their _faces_ when you nailed that final strike in a row!”

She puffed her chest and pretended to brush invisible specks off her shoulders. “That’s a no problem-o for the Mabel-o!”

“Oh now you’re getting cocky!” Dipper looped an arm around his sister’s waist. “C’mere!” He laughed and gave her a noogie.

“My _hair!”_ She protested.

Really though, Dipper let her go and hopped out of reach when she tried to return the favor. Just how did Mabel manage to score _only_ strikes throughout the _entire_ game? Just as she gave chase, one of the blonds crashed their party.

“I want a rematch!” Gideon called, wielding a bowling ball.

Dipper grinned. “Ready to lose again so soon?”

Bill huffed. “You two just got lucky!”

Mabel cracked her knuckles and sent a blinding grin at her brother. “Ready to whoop their butts again, bro-bro?”

Dipper placed his hands on his hips with a bright grin of his own. “They don’t stand a chance.”

“We’ll see about that.” Bill frowned. “I’ll go ask the cashier for another round.”

Dipper patted his pockets, searching for his wallet. “We’ll pay ha—“

“Ah ah ah!” Gideon reprimanded. “You two aren’t paying this time either.”

“But–“

“Consider it an apology of sorts.” Bill explained, though he certainly didn’t _look_ apologetic with that grin of his.

Mabel’s smile dropped. “Apology? What did you two do to my brother?”

Gideon waved his hand. “Oh nothing to worry about, dear. But really though, Dipper, hon, we’ve got to talk about the contract.”

Dipper stiffened, his own smile gone. “That’s not happening.”

Mabel’s frown deepened. “What contract?”

The teen fidgeted with his hat, averting his gaze. “Um. It’s how they tricked me into going on stage in a dress.”

Mabel bared her teeth in a grin and Gideon shivered. “I didn’t know you _tricked_ my brother.”

Gideon raised his hands in a ‘don’t-shoot-me’ gesture. “Well we–“

“No you don’t understand.” Mabel barreled through his protest, her protective instincts flaring. “Tricking my brother is _not cool._ Even if you _are_ my idols, Dipper deserves an apology and I want to see this contract!”

“Mabel.“ Dipper blushed. “You don’t need to–“

She turned on him. “Have _you_ set them straight yet?”

“I’ve _tried!”_ He burst out. “But these jerks don’t _listen_ to me!”  
Mabel softened and patted his shoulder before swiveling on her heel and pinning Gideon with a dead eyed stare. “Hand it here.”

Gideon sighed and pulled out a piece of paper from his breast pocket. Dipper frowned. Didn’t Bill have the contract or did he give it to Gideon?”

Mabel swiped the page and promptly squinted at Dipper’s signature. “It’s faded.” She noted. “This is a copy. I want _all_ of them.”

“Why?” Gideon retorted, guarded.

The usually positive face shadowed by seriousness had Gideon squirming. “Because Dipper’s my brother and you’re taking advantage of him.”

Dipper blushed but couldn’t fight down a flattered smile. “Mabel…”

When Gideon just shrugged and said, “the rest are hidden elsewhere. He’s not getting out of the contract.”

Mabel pinned him with a glare before shifting her focus onto the parchment in her hands. As she continued to read, her face brightened.

"Dippingsauce, your so _lucky!”_ She squealed. “You get to tour the _world_ if you actually agree to this! You’ll be able to visit London or New York _and_ you’ll get to meet all the famous fashionistas!”

The teen wandered over and rested his chin on her shoulder while he read the paper. Steadily, he scrunched his face.

“Yeah, _no.”_ He denied. “I’d have to wear _more_ dresses _and_ going on fashion shows would cut into school time! I’d miss so many classes I wouldn’t have enough credits to _graduate_ Mabel!”

“Working around a college isn’t a problem.” Bill spoke up, having finally arrived. “You’ll find Gideon and I are _quite_ good at negotiation.”

Dipper frowned, unsure what he meant. “But–“

“Gosh, Dipper,” Mabel interrupted with a dreamy sigh. “I wish I was you. I would _love_ to see all the fashion designers masterpieces or tour the world and see different culture’s art…”

The brunet bit his lip. Was there some way they could switch places?

His sibling lit up. “So you’ll have to go _for_ me and tell me all about it! Oh oh! And don’t forget to take pictures and videos. _Especially_ videos! I want to hear all about your travels and what the fashionistas are like up close! I want to know _everything.”_

Dipper simpered. “What if you took my pla–“

“Not happening.” Bill terminated the idea. 

Mabel pouted then crossed her arms with a huff. “Well then I’m going to the bathroom!’

As she skipped off, Dipper gritted his teeth as an idea formed. Slowly, he turned to the blonds exchanging silent stares.

“Tell you what,” Dipper bit out. 

Oh he was going to _hate_ himself for this, but for his sister, he’d make the sacrifice.

He inhaled. ”I’ll _officially_ agree to the deal if you offer my sister an internship as a model. She wants to be a fashion designer, but I doubt you two big shots will let her design anything so the next best thing is to let her tag along on the tours. Sound like a deal?”

“Sounds fair.” Bill agreed. “Shake on it?”

Dipper extended his hand and accepted the handshake.

Oh he was going to _hate this._

Still, he tried for confidence. “When Mabel gets back, we’re going to kick your–“

“I’m back!” Mabel cheered. “Time to show these guys who’s the _real_ bowling champ!”

Dipper laughed, his unease fading in light of his sibling’s infectious positivity. “Apparently it’ll take them losing _twice_ to get it through their thick skulls.”

“Hey!” The blonds protested. 

“Why don’t we see if you can keep up your strike record,” Gideon challenged. “Because I bet you can’t.”

Mabel laughed. “How much?”

“Careful,” Dipper warned with a wry grin. “She’s a betting _shark.”_

And so the rematch began.


	26. Magic and Mayhem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper Pines knew Gravity Falls was rooted deeply in the mythological, but between a demon and a telekinetic vying for his attention and a surge of uprising creatures, he just can’t seem to catch a break.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a shortie since I have a theater project to perform this week, and on top of homework... eh, this is all I managed to write.
> 
> I should have another update by next Wednesday at the latest.

 

“Feel my frigid fingers.”

The teen squawked, recoiling from the hand against his cheek. “ _Mabel!”_

His sibling laughed at his misery but returned her fingers to her pockets. “Aw, lighten up bro-bro!”

“We are about to hold a meeting with the _supernatural inhabitants_ of these woods! You need to _focus!”_

“But _Dipper!”_

“We are representatives of the _town._ If we screw this up then–“

“We’ll be _fine!”_

Dipper gargled out incoherent noises of frustration and shook his hands in the air. His sister’s boundless optimism was _not_ what he needed at the moment.

“Just– _try_ to focus. _Please._ ” He inhaled. “We could be _killed_ if we mess up.”

Sensing his unease, Mabel stilled with a frown. “If it makes you feel better, I could do the talk–“

“ _No.”_ Dipper jerked, eyes wide. “No that’s a horrible idea.”

Mabel recoiled and averted her gaze.

Dipper lifted the brim of his cap and brushed an agitated hand through his hair. “No. Look. I’m sorry I–I’m just…” He sighed.

Honesty was the best policy and who better to confess than to his twin?

“I’m scared, Mabel.”

His sister perked. “Well why didn’t you just say so?”

He exhaled heavily and replaced his hat. He slid a hand to his back pants pocket and sighed. Good. His note-cards were still there.

He bit his lip. “It’s not easy to say.”

Mabel rolled her eyes. “Just because you’re a boy doesn’t mean–“

“–I’m not allowed to express my feelings. I know, I know, but you _know_ our culture is–“

“–riddled with inhumanities that, while we can try to change society’s norms and expectations, progress can’t be made overnight. Yadda yadda yadda.”

Dipper huffed but cracked a smile. “That almost sounds like what I plan to say at the meeting.”

“Well you _did_ write a speech in note-card form.”

Dipper rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well.”

She nudged him with an elbow. “Well?”

He smiled. “Well–“ He stiffened as his gaze locked on a landmark. “We’re here.”

 In front of them, curved around a rock, hung a slew of vines. They twins stilled and exchanged silent stares before nodding. Dipper stepped forwards and pushed aside the vines.

His jaw dropped. “Oh my gosh…”

Were they even still _in_ the woods? 

Massive trees rose from the ground and sheltered the expansive clearing with shadows from unusually large leaves. Unconventional buildings littered the space ranging from houses woven out of shifting tree roots to tiny rooms made out of mushrooms. But what hooked Dipper’s attention wasn’t the place straight out of a fantasy, but the _creatures_.

It seemed all the creatures under the sun had shown up. Dipper spotted the familiar woodland inhabitants, such as the gnomes and manotaurs, to the unfamiliar. Some of the creatures he recognized from books filled the space. Satyrs, centaurs, fairies and even _phoenixes_ mingled. Then there were many of the creatures he wasn’t too familiar with.

A wyvern lounged on a sun baked rock while a winged horse with the head and shoulders of an eagle conversed with the resting creature. He bit his lip. That…looked like a hippogriff from European mythology and…his gaze dropped to the freshwater river flowing at the edge of the clearing. A mermaid with a gap toothed smile and wooly hair giggled with a merman with scaly cheeks. Could that be an African Jengu and…some other mer-person?

Curiosity spiking, he widened his eyes and swiveled his gaze. A silver fox with nine tails flicked its tails rhythmically in time to the beat of a yeti tapping its large hands against the rocks. 

Did they _all_ live in the woods?

Mabel, having recovered first, placed her palm beneath his chin and shut his mouth. 

“This…” Dipper breathed. “This is _incredible.”_

“Who knew there were _so many_ of these guys coming?” 

Dipper promptly forgot his awe in place of lightening fast fear. 

He paled with a squeak. “I’m going to have to talk in front of _all_ of them?”

Mabel patted his shoulder but even _her_ stomach churned. “You’ll do fine.”

The teen bit his lip. “Do you really think I’ll be able to convince them not to attack the town?” 

His sibling patted her chest. “I’m _certain_ you can! Just remember to breathe!”

“Okay…” he inhaled and let out the air slowly, mentally preparing himself. “Okay…”

She grinned. “Now let’s go find Jeff! He should be hanging out with his gnome crew, right? So…”

While she scanned the place for the gnome leader, Dipper once again observed his surroundings and focused on his breath.

“C’mon…” He murmured. “Just gotta breathe…”

A gloved hand thudded onto his shoulder.

“Well lookie here!” A high-pitched voice cheered next to his ear and he jumped. “The human representatives have arrived!”

Dipper bit back a yelp when the same hand spun him around. He staggered, slightly dizzy, as the young man with strikingly blond hair grinned with shark’s teeth.

“Want some deer teeth to celebrate your arrival?”

Dipper shook off the hand, scrunching his face. “Uh–“

“Hon, the boy would _much_ prefer an amulet that _I_ created.” A blue suited teen sauntered towards the pair.

“Um–“

The first stranger twirled his hand and deer teeth floated into his hand. Dipper balked in disgust and and retreated a few steps.

“ _Whoa_ , hold up.” He protested, lifting his hands. “Who are you guys?

“Bill Cipher, mind demon!” Greeted the first man with an outstretched hand, still holding the teeth in his other hand.

The second young man glared at the man’s hand and an turquoise aura surrounded the limb before jerking the black sleeved arm to the side. Bill huffed but resisted the next pull of the poofy haired teen’s telekinesis.

“ _I,_ ” the teen sauntered forwards while Bill rolled his eyes and shook off the magic, “am Gideon Gleeful.

The teen grasped Dipper’s hand and started to bow. “It’s a pleasure to–“

Dipper ripped his hand free with a scowl. That weirdo was about to kiss his _hand. Ew._

Gideon pouted but persisted. “What color amulet would you–“

“Look,” Dipper prepared to set them straight. “I’m just here to sort out the conflict between the town and the residents of these woods.” Dipper pulled out his note cards. “So the sooner we start the meeting the better. So there’s no need to give me anything, or–why are you looking at me like that?”

Bill and Gideon exchanged silent glances before Bill spoke. “You gonna tell him or am I?”

“Tell me what?” Dipper heart sank.

Gideon lifted his eyes to the sky and rocked on his heels. “ _Well_ …”

Bill rolled his eyes and spat out the news. “You’re not just the representatives for the town.”

Dipper frowned.

“You two represent the entire human race.”

He dropped his cards.


	27. Magic and Mayhem Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper Pines knew Gravity Falls was rooted deeply in the mythological, but between a demon and a telekinetic vying for his attention and a surge of uprising creatures, he just can’t seem to catch a break.

“Let me get this straight.” Dipper said slowly. “You expect  _me_ to speak on behalf of the  _entire_ human race?” ****

“Yep!”

“Dippingsauce!” His sibling chirped and bounced into sight. “I found Jeff! He’s–Dipper?”

She halted and directed her gaze from her brother’s oddly blank face to the cards scattered about the grass. Her gaze jumped to her sibling’s shaken stare once more before she pivoted to face the ones who had caused her twin such distress.

Swiftly, she scanned the human looking blonds. “Who are you two?”

“I am the mind demon Bill Cipher, representative for the residents of the mindscape!” One greeted and outstretched a hand to reveal a gloved palm filled with deer teeth.

Mabel cringed and scrunched her face. “Uh–“

“And I, beautiful stranger, am Gideon Gleeful, the representative for a telekinetic demon nation.”

“Oh– _kay…_ ” Mabel pulled away from the leering weirdo and shifted closer to her sibling’s side. “What do you two want?”

The blond’s gaze zeroed onto Dipper. Mabel narrowed her eyes. The glint in their gazes looked downright _predatory._

“We have a meeting to attend to,” She placed a hand on her twin’s shoulder, “so if you’ll excuse us we’ll be on our way.”

Shaken out of his reverie, Dipper blinked before sending a grateful smile towards his sister. He knelt to the floor and gathered his cards and his sister crouched to help him.

“Mabel,” Dipper hissed. “Apparently we now represent people from all over the _world._ What are we gonna _do?_ ”

His twin bit her lip. “Um… Try our best?”

“And if we mess up?”

“Then at least we did our best?”

“ _Not_ helpful.”

“Excuse me, if I may…” Gideon butted in.

The twins looked up. 

“…but we happen to be attending the same meeting you are. All the creatures here represent their respective race.”

“Oh…” Dipper swallowed harshly and shifted his gaze to the side, sweat beading down his temple.

Bill grinned. “Then let’s go, shall we?”

The siblings exchanged stares but stood. Mabel handed Dipper the cards she had collected and they patted their pants, wiping away the dirt.

Dipper inhaled. “Okay…” he murmured. “Let’s do this…”

The twins followed the demons to the meeting spot. Dipper eyed the grassy clearing filling with various creatures and ducked his head when he noticed some of them staring at their group. He diverted his attention onto the stump in the middle of the grassy space and recoiled. His gaze roamed up the figure poised there.

“A dragon…” he breathed.

The sleek scaled creature folded its emerald wings and raised its regal head, curling its lip with contempt. He ducked his head and tugged on his collar, anxious. He had a feeling that creature was going to be hard to persuade.

The emerald beast flared its wings and roared. “The meeting to discuss fate of the human race will begin!”

Noise thundered in the clearing as the creatures stomped or bellowed. Dipper just tried to stay steady as the ground shook from the force of the creatures. A hand looped around his waist, balancing him, and he looked up to see Bill grinning at him.

“Careful, wouldn’t want you to fall.” The cheeky demon laughed.

The teen scowled and struggled free, pushing away from the human-esque creature.

The dragon whipped its head to the sky and unhinged its jaw as fire blazed forth. The ruckus calmed and the stream of fire sizzled into wisps of smoke.

“Given that this meeting centers on the crimes humans have committed, the humans will speak first!”

Dipper paled as all eyes zeroed on him and his sister. Mabel tried for a smile, but the result was a strained grimace. She pushed him forwards. 

The dragon stepped off the massive stump and snorted, lashing its tail, as Mabel guided him onto the makeshift stage. The teen inhaled and straightened, struggling not to cave under the scrutiny.

“T–today I will discuss…um…why the human race _shouldn’t_ be wiped out. Uh,” he fumbled with his notecards, desperately trying to read the words in his trembling hands.

Chest shaking, he inhaled once more. “They–they shouldn’t be because–because well they don’t know about you guys…so how can they respect something they don’t believe exists? Um…”

Seeing him falling apart, his sibling jumped in. “Humans aren’t _that_ bad! I mean _sure_ there’s a whole lot of jerks in the world but the _majority_ mean well! If humans knew about you guys then you all would definitely get respect!”

The emerald leader of the meeting snorted once more. “Is that all you have to say?”

Dipper swallowed, rifling through his notecards. His hand slipped and the papers tumbled to the wooden floor. He blushed, mortified, and rushed to pick up his outlined speech. Just then, a noise sounding suspiciously like the flapping of leathery wings reverberated in the clearing and a breeze blew the cards away.

Chuckles rumbled throughout the mass and the dragon smirked. “It seems you are finished.”

“Y–yes, it seems so…” Mabel agreed before hurrying to help him catch the runaway parchment.

“We’ve heard the humans!” The dragon announced. “Now it’s time for _our_ voices to be heard! Our voices that have been quieted by the human presence for far too long!”

Dipper cringed as the dragon stepped onto the stump, forcing him and Mabel to scramble off or risk being stepped on. The teen’s cheeks burned in shame and embarrassment.

He screwed up.

Biting his lip, he looked up at the dragon speaking and his stomach churned. A blue sleeve hooked around his shoulders and tugged him to a warm chest, startling him out of his worries.

“Aw, hon, that hurt to _watch.”_ Gideon whispered into his ear and he scowled.

Bill appeared on his other side. “Agreed.”

Shoving off the invasive arm, Dipper crossed his arms and stared at the dragon, pointedly ignoring the demons. “Back off.” He hissed.

Gideon pouted and lowered his jaw to speak but the dragon’s voice boomed and a cheer erupted from the crowd. Dipper’s attention zeroed on the speaker. What did he miss?

The dragon stepped off the stump to be replaced by a tiny fairy. The small figure puffed its chest and yelled in a high pitched voice.

“Humans have been destroying my home! Where am I supposed to live if they keep cutting down the forests? I say down with the humans before they down us!”

Shouts of agreement rose form the crowd. The fairy zipped off the stump and the yeti stepped forth.

“The ice caps are melting! Where will I stay if my home melts away? Down with the humans!”

A chant circled through the crowd, increasing in volume. “Down with humans! Down with humans! Down with humans!”

Dipper paled and rushed forwards, past his wide-eyed sister, just as the yeti moved off the stump. 

_“Wait!”_ He called, struggling to raise his voice above the mantra. “Humans can change! If they know you guys exist then they’ll be willing to–“

The emerald dragon cut him off. “Humans have _always_ been the same! Selfish and greedy–taking what isn’t theirs to take! It’s time we took back what is rightfully ours!”

_“Yeah!”_ The crowd cheered.

The dragon swiveled its head to look down on Dipper. “Then how about we start with _this_ arrogant fool?”

Dipper gasped as the crowd prowled forwards, boxing him in. “W–wait!” He protested.

_“Stop!”_ A familiar pair of high-pitched voices bellowed.

The mob paused as Bill and Gideon swept through the crowd to stand in front of the teen.

“What will killing him solve?” Gideon lifted his arms, drawing all eyes with his stage presence. “He’s not the source of our problems! We’d be _wasting_ our energy if we killed him!”

“He came here to discuss the issue with us, not against us!” Bill pressed.

“Going soft?” The dragon sneered. “Perhaps you two aren’t _fit_ to be called demons.”

Bill’s complexion turned an ugly shade of crimson as his fury rose. “You forget who you speak to _mortal.”_ He growled. “Watch your tongue or I’ll sever it when you’re not looking.”

The dragon curled its lip, unimpressed. “Nightmares don’t frighten me.”

“Maybe not.” Bill agreed with an unsettling smile. “But I’m a _mind_ demon. I am a being of pure energy. I _have_ no weaknesses to exploit but you…”

His grin stretched, sickeningly sweet. “You’ll _want_ death by the time I’m through with you.”

“All this to protect a human?” The dragon scowled. “You’re more worthless than I thought.”

Gideon rolled his eyes. “Clearly someone isn’t thinking. Why, humans could prove to be useful to us…”

A gryphon emerged from the crowd, eye ridge raised. “How so?”

Gideon _grinned._ “Humans invented a strange thing called slavery. Ever heard of it?”

Murmurs rippled through the crowd and Dipper paled. “W–wait, you can’t just–“

Bill whipped around and grasped his chin, inspecting his face. “We’re saving your butt.” He hissed. “Be _grateful.”_

Dipper gritted his teeth and grabbed Bill’s arm, tugging against the hold but the demon held on tight. “I’d rather be _dead_ than be a monster’s slave.”

“Oh don’t worry,” Bill purred. “I’m a _demon,_ not a monster.”

The teen growled. “You want to _force_ me to work for you! That’s monster material right there! Now _let me go!_ ”

“Date us, actually.” Gideon corrected and returned his focus to the crowd. “Humans made a mess of our homes! Shouldn’t _they_ be the ones to clean up after themselves?”

Dipper’s jaw dropped. “D– _date–?“_ He spluttered. “You two are _insane.”_

“Hmm, no.” Bill flashed shark’s teeth. “And you’re going to _love_ us soon enough.”

“Stockholm syndrome,” Dipper finally managed to rip his chin free, “isn’t my thing.” He shoved away the mind demon.

Now free, Dipper prepared to run but a blueish green aura wrapped around his form and dragged him to Bill’s side.

“Watch him for me, will ya?” Gideon prompted.

“ _Gladly.”_ Bill agreed and looped an arm around the teen’s waist.

The aura faded as Bill pinned the struggling Dipper to his torso.

“Let me go!” Dipper pounded his fists against the blond’s chest but the demon just laughed.

“You belong to me now.” He grinned. 

“And me.” Gideon added.

Bill rolled his eyes. “Yes, and Gideon.” The grin returned. “And we’re _never_ letting you go.”


	28. Topsy Turvy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Human Bill and Gideon expected to summon an almighty demon. Instead they summon Dipper.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

Flames flickered in the dimly lit garage. Fine shoes tapped against the cemented floor as two shadowed figures strode through the room. One hooded individual knelt, chalk in hand, and inscribed runes along the chalked circle. The other placed small candles throughout the room. ****

A moment of silence before. “Should we really use _store-_ bought candles?”

“Bill, for the _last time,_ ” the kneeling young man huffed and stood, patting his slacks. “The summoning contract didn’t call for home-made candles.”

“I’m just saying we’d probably get more magic out of the deal if we use home made materials.” The twenty year old rebuked.

The nineteen year old scowled. “You mean more fans.”

“Stronger _magic, Gideon._ ” Bill planted the back of his hands on his hips and curled his fingers. “I have no need for popularity.”

“Power-hungry _savage.”_ Gideoncrossed his arms.

The tan blond man prowled forwards. “Attention hogging _brat_.”

Gideon met Bill halfway to continue the steadily heating name-calling. As their argument increased in fervor, Bill whipped out a weathered book and whacked Gideon’s arm.

“You’re an idiot!” Bill screamed, rearing to attack the teen with the floppy book once more.

Gideon flinched and grabbed his own book. “ _You’re_ the idiot!”

The two idiots proceeded to beat each other up with very old books. Once both were sufficiently bruised along their arms, they collected the parchment scattered about the floor.

“Oh _great.”_ Gideon spat. “You’ve gone and _wrecked_ the books.”

“ _Me?”_ Bill ground his teeth. “If my arms weren’t black and blue I’d–“

“Are we going to cast the summon or _not?”_

The young man gargled incoherent noises of frustration but bit out an irritated. “ _Fine_. You wrote the right runes for the mightiest of demons, didn’t you?”

The teen scoffed. “Of _course_ I did. I’m well aware that the stronger a demon is, the stronger the deal will be, unlike _you._ Now c’mon and read this with me. If we do this right then we might be able to work out _two_ deals with the demon.”

Bill growled, withholding an acerbic retort, and stormed to Gideon’s side. The teen flipped through the pages until he landed on the final entry in the book. Red inked words scrawled across the page and the blonds inhaled.

“On the count of three.” Bill prompted. “Like we practiced.”

Together, the blonds chanted the numbers then began the casting, eyes roving across the page in sync as they projected their voices. Wind whirled into the room and snuffed the candle’s flames, darkening the room. The blonds halted in their chanting, looking up from the words to stare at a clouded light in the middle of the chalked circle.

A voice boomed. _“Who dares summon me?”_

Fire erupted from the candles and the fog cleared from the room, revealing blazing red eyes and a shark’s grin. Startled, the blond’s eyes wildly scanned the black suited stranger before slowing to a stop when they fully examined his face.

“Aw,” Gideon broke the oppressive silence. “He’s so _cute.”_

~oOo~

Inwardly, the demon spluttered. _What wretched humans_ dared _to call an almighty demon such as he_ “cute”?

Outwardly, he increased the candle’s flames until the wax incinerated and the vanilla fragrance spilled across the room. He crinkled his nose. Honestly, _vanilla?_ If they were going to be lazy and _buy_ candles, the least they could have gotten was _chocolate scented._

_No, Dipper,_ he scolded himself. _Focus. There’s a show to perform._

He inhaled, breathing in the smoke through his nose and he exhaled fire through his mouth. He grinned toothily as the wisps of black rose from the corners of his mouth and he flashed glowing rows of shark’s teeth and flicked out a forked tongue, hissing.

_“State your terms.”_ He boomed to the dark room, only blood red eyes visible.

The insignificant fools had the nerve to _giggle._

“Did you _see_ how young he looks?” The human with a poofy hairdo whispered to the other blond.

“He looks about _our_ age!” The other agreed giddily. “Hot _damn.”_

Dipper steamed and curled his fists. Did they _not_ realize who they summoned? 

He flexed his hands and blue fire erupted from his gloved palms. “I do not have _patience_ for such nonsense. _State your terms_ before I _incinerate_ you _.”_

The tan young man _grinned_. “You can’t do that.”

The poofy blond continued the thought. “You’re bound to the mindscape and can’t leave the circle unless you make a deal involving a vessel, which, we could arrange…”

The demon paused, frowning. So they did their research. At least they weren’t _complete_ idiots. He crossed his arms, fire still encircling his hands, and lidded his eyes.

“State your terms.”

The poofy haired blond gasped. “Why, we never introduced ourselves!”

Dipper growled. They didn’t need to know his name.

“State–“

“I’m Gideon Gleeful!” The human patted his chest.

“And _I_ am Bill Cipher.” The other human bowed dramatically then straightened. “And you are…?”

The demon thinned his lips. “Names are meaningless. I’m only here to make a deal.”

“You know, you seem like a nice guy,” Bill stepped forwards, nearly crossing the chalked circle. “How about you go on a date with me? Free of charge.”

Dipper recoiled. _What the hell?_ Did they not realize he was a almighty _demon_ who could eat their souls or something? Did they not have brains? He was only interested in making _deals_ not making _out._

“Yeah,” Gideon pitched in. “You could experience what it’s like to be human for a day if you go on a date with _me_.”

_Oh hell no._

Dipper poofed away.

~oOo~

Candles flickered in the garage as two figures chanted a spell. In a plume of smoke, the candles were snuffed and Dipper appeared, fangs glinting. Inwardly he scrunched his face. Aw, _boo!_ Someone else had used store bought, vanilla scented, candles like that weird summon from yesterday.

He inhaled and deepened his voice. _“Who dares summon–“_

“Hi again, hon!”

The demon paused. Huh, that voice sounded familiar. But would he really have been summoned again by the same humans from a previous summon? Surely humans couldn’t be that dumb.

“Hey! We never got your name!”

Recognition clicked. He sighed. Out of _all_ the numerous summons he received on a daily basis, why did it have to be _these_ idiots?

Dipper frowned and boomed. _“State your terms.”_  

“Oh sweet sugar, his voice is a dreamy as I remember!” The poofy haired figure clasped his hands.

The tan blond nudged the first blond. “And the way it does that demonic echoing is _so hot.”_

The demon curled his lips. Oh he remembered them _now_ alright. These humans thought he was _cute._ Disgust curdled in his gut. Such _disrespect._ Well, he’d just have to remind them they spoke to a _demon,_ didn’t he?

He waved his gloved hands and rekindled the candles, forcing the flames to rise from their wicks and weave around the startled blonds. There, how’s _that_ for hot?

_“I may not be able to leave this circle,”_ he increased the fire’s intensity, _“but I can still kill you.”_

A moment of silence passed until Dipper whipped his hand to the side and the flames returned to the candles. He straightened, certain he had properly intimidated the two, and crossed his arms.

The tan human, (Bill perhaps?) loosened his bowtie and swallowed. Dipper narrowed his eyes. Was…was the human _drooling?_ He resisted the urge to pinch his nose. Urghhh, he was dealing with a _masochist._

His crimson eyes swiveled to the suited human. Oh, _great._ The human looked more intrigued than frightened.

“So about that date…” The poofy haired blond began.

Dipper growled. _“No deal.”_

He vanished in a puff of smoke.

~oOo~

_“Who dares–“_ Dipper halted.

Oh, _ugh_ , vanilla scented candles _again?_ Not cool. 

Dipper scowled. _“You two.”_

“Hi, hon!” Gideon chirped.

Bill waved. “So–“

_“No deal, no date.”_

Dipper didn’t bother with theatrics as he vanished.

~oOo~

_“Who–_ Oh it’s you two. _Again_.”

“So–“

_“No.”_

Dipper left.

~oOo~

Recognizing the vanilla scent, Dipper immediately vanished.

~oOo~

_“You two are_ **_cluttering_ ** _up my_ **_SUMMONS!”_ **

“Well if you would just–“

**_“NO!”_** Dipper shook his hands in the air, pretending the space between his palms were the _infuriating_ blond’s necks. **_“I have other deals to make!”_**

The humans had the _nerve_ to grin. 

“At least tell us a name of yours?” Gideon prodded.

Dipper ground his teeth. He _supposed_ he could tell them _one_ of his titles, at least the one his sister was so fond of, but at a _price._

He floated higher and crossed his legs and arms, as if he were sitting in a chair. “I’ll tell you a name of mine, _if_ you two stop summoning me.”

The blonds frowned. 

“Oh no no no, that just won’t do.” Gideon protested. “Tell us your name and you can go on a date with us.”

_“Ha!”_ He dug his fingers into his bicep. “Not a chance.”

“Aw, _c’mon_ ,” Bill coaxed. “At least hang out with us?”

“The hanging can be arranged…” Dipper grumbled spitefully. “Though knowing _my_ luck you’d summon me as ghosts or zombies.”

“ _So…”_

He uncrossed his arms. “Tell you what,” he planted his palms on his hips. “I’ll give you brats… _gifts_ , one for each time you time you have summoned me thus far. In return, you are only allowed to summon me a maximum of three times per month.”

Dipper outstretched blazing blue hands as the blonds frowned at one another. “Do we have a deal?”

Gideon shrugged. “I _guess_ that’ll give us some time to think on how to charm ya. It’s a deal. Bill?”

The young man continued to frown. “What _kind_ of gifts?”

The demon grinned. “If I told you, they wouldn’t be a surprise, now would they?”

“Fair enough…” Bill continued to frown but held out his hand.

Dipper’s grinned wildly as the blonds accepted his handshake and the transparent fire encircled their hands. He shook his hand free form the human’s tight grip and tipped his top hat. He vanished, shark’s grin lingering.

Vengeance would be _sweet._

~oOo~

Bill yawned as the harsh sunlight stabbed his closed eyelids. With a groan, he rolled to the side, towards the nightstand, and flopped a bare hand out of the covers.

A moment passed before: _“Ow!”_

The young man sat upright and jerked back his hand _,_ eyes wide as a sharp toothed venus fly trap clung to his hand.

Bill would forever deny that he _screamed_.

The carnivorous plant seemed to grin around the skin between his index finger and thumb. Despite his wild flailing, the vicious thing hung on, teeth firmly rooted in his flesh.

“ _Gideon!”_ He yelped. “Help me!”

Hearing his distress, the poofy haired blond hurriedly stumbled into the room, rubbing his eyes. “What? What’s the– _oh sweet heavens,_ what is _that!”_

“I don’t know!” He screamed. “But I want it _off!”_

“I’m not touching it!” Gideon rushed out of the room and Bill screamed before the jerk returned, clutching a round stone attached to a black cloth in his hand. “Here, let me–“

Gideon curled his fingers around the stone and concentrated on removing the demonic plant. Sure enough, the amulet’s magic was enough to levitate the plant…and Bill’s hand, still in the fly trap’s mouth.

“How’s it attached to you?” Gideon yelled.

Bill shouted in return. “It has fangs!”

“What do you _mean_ it has fangs?”

“I mean it has–“ Bill dissolved into incoherent screaming. “I’m going to die!”

“No you’re _not!”_

Gideon stormed forwards and glared at the plant’s teeth and clutched the amulet. A greenish blue aura once again surrounded the vicious beast and Gideon pumped his energy into ripping the plant from Bill’s hand. 

With a resounding _pop,_ the plant was removed…

…and then sailed towards Gideon.

The teen yelped as the blue aura encased monster bared its teeth and neared. He dropped his amulet in shock and the aura dissipated. The potted beast dropped to the floor, growling viciously with Bill’s blood dripping down its fangs.

Gideon and Bill stared at the snarling monster in the center of the room before Gideon uttered. “You’re gonna need to disinfect those wounds.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, cringing as his hand throbbed. “I’ll get on that while you kill this thing.”

Warily, Bill clambered out of the bed and edged along the wall, nice and far away from the snapping jaws, before fleeing out the door.

Gideon’s jaw dropped as Bill abandoned him in their time of need. Hoping that the monstrosity couldn’t move from that spot, his mind whirled through potential, long reaching and plant-killing-possible weapons. His face lit when he remembered the shovel in the toolshed. Gardeners kept shovels in toolsheds, didn’t they?

“Be right back, Cipher!” He called to the bathroom and sprinted out of Bill’s bedroom.

The teen raced to his own room and grasped his nice shoes. Something hissed inside of them and he frowned. Peering inside, he dropped the blue boots like they were on fire. 

_“Sweet heavens!”_ He tacked on several curses as he scrambled away. “Bill, there’s a _snake_ in my _boot!”_

“There are _tarantulas_ in the _bathroom!”_ Bill rebuked.

Gideon swore and sprinted to his closet. Hoping there wouldn’t be any more unfortunate surprises, the teen checked another pair of shoes. Relieved that they were empty, he slipped them on and sprinted to the garden.

Just as he opened the back door, however, his foot snagged on box and he tripped. His gaze dropped to a neatly wrapped box, decorated with stickers of a blue pine tree. Curiosity alighting despite the dangers lurking in the house, Gideon knelt and unwrapped the box. He lifted the lid and promptly wished he hadn’t.

Bloody entrails.

Bloody _entrails._

Gideon slammed the lid back onto the box and staggered to the nearest trashcan and _hurled._ Once finished, he hastily wiped his mouth with his sleeve. If he weren’t horrified, he would have realized he had just put puke on his favorite, silky pajama shirt. Well, he could dry clean it later, there were priorities to attend to. He retreated from the porch and sprinted to the toolshed.

After he had found the shovel and stepped into the sunlight, darkness blanketed his vision. He screamed and outstretched his arms, wondering what the hell had happened.

Beneath the thick layer of panic, he could’ve _sworn_ he heard giggling but maybe he was just going crazy.

Rapidly, he blinked his eyes, as if that could clear his sight. Only after minutes passed did his vision hazily return. Near hyperventilating, Gideon raced back to the mansion to tell Bill his tale.

Bill, meanwhile, had successfully fended off the tarantulas with towels, grabbed the disinfectant liquid, escaped, and slammed the bathroom door shut. He leaned against the door, chest heaving, and clutched a rag tightly in pale knuckles. Heart hammering, he pushed off the wood and rushed to the back of the mansion. Blood dripped from his hand as he flung open the back door.

Not too far away, Gideon sprinted closer. Bill made to step forwards but his bare foot bumped against something. He looked down and frowned. A neatly wrapped box spotted with blue stickers sat innocently on the mat.

Curiosity his bane, Bill reached for the box.

“Don’t open it!” Gideon shrieked, noticing him. “There’s–“

Ignoring the warning, and his _still_ bleeding hand, the dummy unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. He recoiled.

“Aw, _ew_ , _deer teeth!”_

Gideon slowed. “That’s not–“

“There’s _deer teeth_ in this box!” Bill insisted, flailing his hands.

The teen finally stepped foot on the porch and, despite his twisting gut, peered into the box. True to Bill’s words, deer teeth filled the container.

Gideon frowned. “This doesn’t make sense, where is all this stuff coming from?”

Maniacal laughter echoed and the blonds looked up to see a floating demon, clutching his sides. Simultaneously, they glared.

“ _You!”_ Gideon flung out an accusing finger as realization occurred. _“You’ve_ been causing us all this trouble!”

The demon wiped one eye, grinning. “Well you two _did_ agree to the deal.”

The blonds jaws dropped.

Bill shrieked. “You mean that _demonic plant_ that _bit_ me is a _gift?”_

The brunet straightened with a frown. “I’ll have you know that _demonic plant_ is my _pet._ I thought you might like her. Speaking of…”

He snapped his fingers and the evil plant appeared in his palm. He grinned when the blonds shrank away from the snapping creature.

“I suppose I’ll take back my gifts, since you two don’t seem to like them.”

“Please do.” Gideon insisted. “And could you fix my amulet too? Messing up the stone’s power is not considered a gift.”

The demon smirked. “Technically I changed the magic in the stone to a type you can’t control. So I gave you magic, which is a gift.”

“ _None_ of these horrors are gifts.” Bill rebuked, lifting his bloody hand.

“Oh yeah, she bit you. Bet you didn’t taste good.” The demon remarked, patting his plant with pride.

“And temporary blindness!” Gideon cut in. “What was _that_ about?”

The brunet scoffed. “Had you not been panicking, you would have noticed that I heightened your other senses in exchange for vision. Honestly, you two are _so_ ungrateful.”

The demon waved a hand and Bill gasped as the bloody incisions on his hand stung and fizzled. Steadily, the wounds closed and not a mark remained. Bill stared at his hand.

“Don’t worry about infections,” the demon idly remarked. “The bubbling was to kill the bacteria. So no, you’re not about to die. Bummer. Oh and all the spiders and snakes are gone too. You’re welcome.”

The brunet twisted his free hand and the slobbering plant vanished. He planted his palms on his hips and shifted his weight onto one foot. An odd picture, given the human looking young man floated several feet in the air.

“How about we terminate this deal by making a _new_ deal. I’ll stop giving gifts if you two stop summoning me.” The demon outstretched fire coated hands.

The blonds exchanged silent stares. What else would the demon do to them to convince them to stop? Was one date with a cutie _really_ worth demonic gifts?

The humans reached for the gloved hands.

~oOo~

“Alright, listen cuz,” Bill planted the back of his gloved hands onto his hips, staring down the preteen girl. “Just because I’m stuck babysitting you doesn’t mean–“

“Yeesh,” the girl mimicked his pose. “I’m not gonna trash the place. I am _twelve, not_ a child.”

“Technically,” Gideon leaned into the couch, “you’re still a child.”

“Not helpful.” The girl returned. “What I’m _trying_ to say is that I don’t _need_ a babysitter.”

“You’re parents seem to think so.” Bill countered. “So those ground rules–“

“I _know_ them already.”

“I haven’t even _told_ you them yet!”

“They’re posted on the _refrigerator.”_

_“C’mere you!”_ Bill lunged at his relative and she screamed, running out of the room. _“Get back here!”_

_“No way!”_

Gideon rolled his eyes as the cousins raced through the house, yelling at one another. He grasped the TV remote and cranked up the volume, tuning out the screams.

Bill, on the other hand, gasped for breath and placed his gloved palms onto his knees. 

“Alright,” he panted. “Where are you?”

His gaze scanned the hallway for the little nuisance when he heard giggling. Straightening, he ventured to one of the various wooden doors and peered through the crack in the doorway. Huh, so she decided to hide in the library now did she?

His cousin giggled once more as her eyes scanned a page in a worn book. Bill rolled his eyes. She’d probably found one of his old mystery novels. Well, _good_. Now he didn’t have to worry about keeping her out of trouble. 

He turned away from the library door and returned to the living room, unaware of how much trouble reading could cause.

~oOo~

The girl turned the page and giggled as she read even _more_ post it notes littering the parchment. She had stumbled across the library by accident when she had searched for a place to hide and ambush her cousin. Bill could be so _uptight_ sometimes about rules and deals. Yeesh! He really needed to lighten up.

Either way, she had found the fantasy section and dived headfirst into the first book she found, completely forgetting about her plan to deliver a noogie to her cousin because she had found something even _better._ A _spell_ book.

One dog-eared page had caught her attention and she flipped to that page and _beamed_ as she spotted the post-it notes _._ Apparently her cousin and Gideon had managed to summon a _demon_ and boywere they crushing _hard_. Judging from the words scribbled on the notes, the two blonds were completely enamored with the demon.

She giggled. Summoning the guy and telling Bill’s crush embarrassing stories would be her greatest prank yet!

But first she needed some candles and chalk.

~oOo~

“You want _what?”_ Bill raised a brow.

“Chocolate scented candles and chalk, please.” His cousin repeated, eyes slowly trailing to the captivating TV.

Gideon rolled his eyes. “Just humor her, Cipher.”

Bill rolled his eyes and lifted his hands. “Fine, fine, let’s go to the store.”

“Yay!” She chirped.

“Gideon you’re coming along.”

_“What?”_ Gideon protested.

“We’re going now.”

Gideon scowled. “But _Bill–“_

The girl grinned. “We need a _responsible_ driver. One who won’t drive us into a tree.”

Bill growled and messed up her neatly brushed hair.

Gideon huffed but hopped off the couch and grumbled. “You’d probably die without me.”

“Bill _totally_ would!” The girl agreed.

“Let’s just get this over with.” Bill grouched and headed towards the front door.

~oOo~

Not soon enough, the trio returned from the store and the girl rushed to the garage, clutching the cloth bag containing the materials tightly in her hand. Hastily, she followed the ancient book’s instructions and etched lines with the chalk. With a matchbox, she lit the candles and placed them about the room.

The book didn’t say anything about having the candles be the _only_ source of light, so she left the overhead lights on, just in case and totally not because she was scared of the dark or anything. Not at all. The girl shook her head.

She inhaled and started to chant.

~oOo~

Bill idly fiddled with his phone as Gideon opened the garage door. “Hey, what do you want for–“ he looked up, “–oh _crap.”_

His cousin finished speaking and a breeze filled the room. With eerie familiarity, the candles went out and the overhead light shut off. Inwardly, Bill cursed because not only did he know his cousin was _terrified_ of the dark, he had a sinking suspicion of who she had just summoned. And if she had indeed summoned Dipper then they were in for a whirlwind of trauma.

Bill rushed to his cousin, pushing her shaking form behind his back, and announced. “We’re not making any deals. She didn't mean to make a summon so–" 

A woman with an oddly familiar face appeared in a puff of wind and rainbow colored smoke, alighting the room in florescent lights. She walked on air, out of the smoke, and slid a lidded gaze onto the pair in front of her. Her eyes snapped open and she cooed.

"Oh my _gosh!_ You're such a cutie!" 

The demon zipped out of the circle and pinched the girl’s cheek. Bill and Gideon stared dumbly at the woman, both wondering how the hell she managed to leave the circle.

As if reading their minds, the brunette answered. "This little dudette forgot to draw some _very_ important lines! But that's okay! It's something to learn from for next time!”

Bill glared at the stranger and pulled his cousin away from her. Wrapping his arms protectively around the girl, Bill retreated a step.

"We're not looking to make any deals." Bill insisted. 

"Why not? It'll be _fun~"_

Bill scowled. "The last time I made a deal with a demon, a plant _bit me."_

Slowly, the demon blinked and started to grin. The blond’s stomach churned. That was not a reassuring grin.

"Oh I know who you two are now!" She chirped, the eerie echo rattling their bones. "You," she pointed at Bill, "are Bill Cipher and you," she pointed to Gideon, "are Gideon Gleeful!"

Gideon stammered. "H–How...?"

"Oh Dipper complains about you two _all the time._ Huh, you know he also complains about you two using vanilla scented candles but all I smell is chocolate! Yum..."

All humans present stared.

The demon perked. "Oh yeah, I actually helped him out with those pranks of his! Like those sticker coated boxes? Yeah, that was _my_ idea." She laughed while the blonds shuddered in remembrance. "Oh I can't _wait_ to tell him about meeting you two. He'll be _so_ embarrassed."

"Wait a minute." Gideon raised a hand. _"Dipper?"_

“Yep!" The stranger chirped. "That's my twin's name alright! I'm Mabel by the way!" She outstretched a hand. "And I can make your _dreams come true_. You can have all the _fans you want_ , Gideon, if you'd just _shake my hand."_

As if hypnotized, Gideon slowly accepted the rainbow fired handshake.

_Poof!_

And creaky old fans appeared, filling the room with a breeze. 

Mabel laughed herself silly. _”Ha ha ha, loser!_ You fell for it! I'll be right back, enjoy your fans! _Ha ha ha ha isn't that punny!"_

Her laughter lingered as her presence faded away and the candles and overhead lights flickered to life.

The blonds and cousin exchanged stares. Just as Bill released his hold on the girl and inhaled to scold her, he heard.

"I was hoping we'd _never_ see each other again. Honestly, Mabel. This is ridiculous."

Bill turned to see the clearly _twin_ demons bickering, one notably taller than the other and used her height to her advantage.

She loomed over Dipper. "Aw, _c'mon_ Dippin' Dot! They just want _one_ date!"

"I will put _rats_ in your hair."

"If you do then I will give them your number."

"I don't have that human commodity."

She snapped her fingers. "Now you do."

Bill, noticing a distinct lack of weight in his back pocket and noticing Mabel held a _very_ familiar phone in her hands, protested. "Wait, that's–"

Dipper snatched the phone and tossed the device to the startled human. "I'm leaving."

"Aw, _c’mon!"_

“No."

"Just one date!" 

"Uh," Gideon tentatively interrupted. "We'll pass on the date."

Mabel poofed her cheeks and placed her hands on her hips. "The pranks weren't _that_ bad!"

Traumatized from said pranks, Bill and Gideon just stared at her.

Dipper rolled his eyes and slid a lidded gaze onto the wide eyed child. His gaze softened.

The brunet huffed and crossed his arms. Retracting his fangs into normal teeth, reshaping his tongue and eyes to human shape and color, Dipper floated to the ground. Once his shoes clicked against the floor, he strode forwards, shoved Bill aside despite his notably smaller size, and put his hands on his knees.

"Hey there kiddo," his voice was smooth and non-echoey. "Thanks for choosing chocolate scented candles, Mabel and I love those. I didn't mean to scare ya so...have some gold as an apology."

Dipper grasped the trembling child's hand and placed a gloved hand atop the child's. As he pulled away, a small lump of gold appeared in the preteen’s palm.

The demon tipped his hat and hopped into the air. "Well thanks for the chat, see you never!"

"But Dipper, the date!"

"No, Mabel. Let's go."

And the demons poofed away.


	29. Glass and Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper hated fairytales.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit: Idea goes to kcm!

Dipper hated fairytales.

Always, it seemed, the girl would be some damsel in distress, destined to die until some hot guy came and save her. Either prince charming would be a knight in shining armour, come to slay a dragon or the weirdo who’d kiss the princess to wake her from some deep slumber. _Geeze_.

Dipper hated the Cinderella fairytale the most.

Mostly because he fit Cinderella’s role a _little too well._

Grasping the rim of the metal container, he hauled himself out of the dumpster and tumbled to the pavement. He groaned and wiped a hand across his face, accidentally smearing a sticky liquid further across his cheeks.

“Gross.” He shuddered and curled his lip. “Stupid curse.” 

Long ago, back when he was a tween, he’d accidentally upset a wizard. Really, all he’d done was break into the wizard’s home and shatter the wizard’s Mirror of Mysteries. As a result, the man cursed him with seven years of bad luck. By the end of seven years, he’d be doomed to die by some ridiculous means. Probably via slipping on an ice cube or something equally dumb.

But hey! The dude was gonna try to force Mabel to _marry_ him! He couldn’t just idly sit by and let the creep _do_ that! Urgh. To break the curse he’d have to achieve the impossible–marry a prince or a princess, and who’d want to marry him? He couldn’t ever get so much as a _date,_ let _alone_ a long term relationship.

Back to the present, Dipper shook himself from his thoughts. As per usual with his cursed luck, a bunch of jerks had tossed him into the dumpster. _Geeze_. Stop a thug from stealing some girl’s purse and they beat him up and throw him in the trash. Dickwads.

Standing, he patted his reeking jeans and sighed. _Whew_. The jerk didn’t steal his packet of chalk. Without the need to return to the crafts store, which he’d been walking out of when he’d helped the girl, he walked out of the back-alley and headed to the Mystery Shack.

He’d been cursed when he was twelve and now he was nineteen. Time was running out but he had a plan.

Cinderella had a fairy godmother, didn’t she?

Who’s to say _he_ couldn’t have one? 

If one wouldn’t appear to him, then _he’d_ make one come to _him._

Ignoring the scrunched faces and individuals steering clear of his stinking figure as he strode down the street, he picked up the pace, thinking. He’d scanned through so many books but earlier that day he’d _finally_ found a potential summoning entry. The only missing material that he’d recently retrieved was some chalk.

Minutes passed until he arrived at the Shack and swung open the door. Rushing past his shouting uncle, he sped to the attic and into his and his sibling’s room.

_Finally._ He could _finally_ break the curse. 

Whipping out the chalk from his back pocket, snatching a bag of candles, and grasping a tattered red journal, Dipper sprinted out of the room, out of the building, and into the woods. Once out of sight of the Shack, he dumped his materials in a clearing. Dropping to the grass and flipping open the book, he set to sketching the summoning symbols on the ground with chalk.

The teen finished the drawing and placed eight candles around the circle, double-checking the journal, and grinned. Now to recite the foreign language. Latin, maybe?

He worked his mouth around the words. _"Triangulum, entangulum. meteforis dominus ventium. meteforis venetisarium!"_

The world seemed to still and slow as the color drained from the world to shades of gray. Dipper gasped when light flashed from the middle of the summoning circle and a man in a tuxedo appeared. The blond raised a brow upon spotting the filth coated teen.

Inhaling, the man recoiled. “Oh, ew, kid, you _reek._ Summon me incorrectly _and_ you have the _nerve_ to be covered in _crap._ I outta– _”_

“Are you a fairy god...dude...bro…? Fairy god-guy?” Dipper stammered, eyes wide.

_Whoa_. He didn’t know there were fairy god- _guys!_ Weird. But hey! He could finally get rid of the damn curse.

The stranger snickered then straightened. “The name’s Bill Cipher. What do you need?”

“Ah, uh, well, I’m Dipper and, uh...” The teen fumbled with his words before clearing his throat. “I‘ve been cursed with seven years of bad luck that’ll end in death. To break the curse, and stay alive, I need to marry someone of royalty.”

Bill placed a hand beneath his chin and chuckled. “I’ll make that happen, _in exchange…”_ The fairy god-guy outstretched a gloved hand. “I’ll get something of value in return.”

Dipper hesitated. “I don’t have–”

“You will as a prince.”

Dipper grinned and accepted the handshake. His eyes shot wide when blue fire erupted, covering his and the stranger’s hands. He tried to pull his hand away but the blond’s grip remained firm until the flames diminished. Cinderella didn’t have any crazy fire-sealing deals with the fairy godmother, did she?

His stomach churned but he pushed the warning flares aside. Whatever. He’d be fine, wouldn’t he? He always would be in the end! Reassured, he sucked in a breath.

“So…” Dipper began. “Where do we find a princess?”


	30. Glass and Gold Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper hated fairytales.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So next week I'm gonna be outta town so I CAN'T POST NEXT WEEK! (Tuesday April 14) 
> 
> Just letting you all know! I should be be able to post on the Tuesday after that though.

Bill _grinned._ “I know _just_ where to start. But let’s get you cleaned up first.”

The blond waved a gloved hand and Dipper gasped when blue fire flowed from the man’s palm and encircled the teen’s form. A force seemed to pull the brunet into the air and he dangled while the circling flames quickened their pace. The grime floated off his frame, burning into nonexistence as the fire neared. Blue warmth encased his figure. But, when the hem of his jeans sizzled, Dipper protested.

“W–wait a minute!” He yelped as the fire ate away at the fabric, yet somehow didn’t cause his body harm. “What are you–”

“Just a little dry cleaning.” Bill commented, nonchalant. “And getting rid of those ratty old clothes.”

“But I–” As the flames climbed higher, Dipper wriggled. _“Wait–”_

“Oh you’re fine.” Bill dismissed, shifting his hands like a puppeteer. 

The teen’s clothes crumbled to ashes and a surge of vulnerability and embarrassment flooded the bare teen’s senses. The only source of relief the poor boy could find was the fact he was hidden from sight by the fire. Speaking of the fire…

The flames shifted. Twin strands of fire flowed from the base of the cocoon to wrap around his legs and traveled higher. From his hips to his waist, all the way to his shoulders and arms, the fire covered him completely within the cocoon.

The flames vanished.

Dipper yelped as gravity yanked him to the earth and his feet slammed against the ground. His weight pitched forwards when an arm snagged waist and intercepted his fall. Dipper blushed and jerked his arms to cover himself.

Only, he wasn’t nude.

_“What–”_

Dipper’s eyes widened, studying his clothes. Black loafers peeked out from black slacks. His gaze traveled upwards. A black jacket with gold studded cuffs covered a white dress shirt and...fabric rubbed against his neck and he assumed he wore a bowtie to complete the outfit.

“A tuxedo.” Bill commented, pulling Dipper away from him. “And you smell so much bet–”

The man’s words trailed into silence and Dipper looked up to find Bill staring at the teen’s face. Dipper fidgeted beneath the stare and averted his gaze, pulling free of the blond’s grip.

“Uh…” Dipper started, uncomfortable.

Bill blinked and shook himself. A blinding grin returned. “So let’s get you that prince.”

Dipper perked. “Yeah!” The words registered. “Wait–”

“C’mon! I’m feeling particularly _gleeful_ right now.” Bill laughed, as if he’d made a joke only he understood and grabbed the teen’s arm.

Dipper thinned his lips. “What kinda fairy-god-guy _are_ you?”

Bill grinned, teeth sharp. “The kind that’s gonna get you where you wanna go! Now c’mon!” He dragged the teen forwards.

“Where are we going?” Dipper yelped.

“To the town! Where royalty’s a waitin’!”

The teen hastened his walk to match the blond’s speed as they sped through the woods. Apparently unsatisfied with their pace, Bill stopped and turned to the teen. Another grin flourished on his face while Dipper’s stomach churned.

“Why are you looking at me like–”

The blond swept Dipper into his arms, bridal style. “There we go!” 

“Hey–”

“Onwards!” He chirped over the teen’s struggles and protests then freed a gloved hand to snap his fingers.

Color faded into monochrome and shapes distorted. Dipper scrunched his eyes closed, mind spinning and head throbbing, until he heard a pop and the world stilled. Instead of releasing the teen, Bill continued to hold Dipper and walked.

Dipper groaned and opened his eyes, dizzy. “What did you–” his eyes widened. _“Whoa.”_

How had he forgotten? The fair was today! He swiveled his gaze about, trying to ignore the painful way his world tilted and swayed in order to observe his surroundings. The town just buzzed with energy and people filled the streets as they rushed from food stalls to game stalls to–whoa, where did the _ferris wheel_ come from?

“Pretty crazy, huh, Pine Tree?” 

Dipper blinked, no longer dizzy, and realized Bill had yet to put him down. His cheeks heated.

“Put me down! I can walk!”

“Can you?” Bill retorted with a smirk but set him down, surprisingly gentle.

Dipper averted his gaze and pat his pants. Hopefully no one had seen him be carried. He straightened.

“So how did you get us here so fast?”

“Teleportation!” Bill slapped his palm against the teen’s back and the brunet stumbled.

“Ow!” Dipper whined but Bill just laughed.

The blond burst into a jog. “Prince time, Pine Tree! Follow me!”

Dipper shook his head and rushed to pursue. “Wait! What do you mean by _‘prince time’?_ And stop calling me Pine Tree!”

The teen chased the blond through the streets until they arrived in front of an elaborately decorated and grand tent with a massive line winding down the street. The blond waved and vanished behind the neighboring building. Dipper frowned, glancing at the tent, but followed.

“Why–”

“Ah, ah, ah!” Bill waggled a finger. “You want to meet your prince charming, don’t you?”

“Princess.” Dipper corrected.

“Queen, more like.” Bill snorted, then grinned.

Dipper frowned. What did the weirdo mean by that? “What–”

“It’s time we pulled out our VIP passes!” 

Bill adjusted his bowtie and looped an arm around Dipper’s own. He raised his other hand and Dipper paled as the blond brought his thumb and middle finger together. Dipper started to protest but Bill snapped his fingers and they vanished.


	31. Green-Eyed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill and Gideon often bickered over who could be Dipper’s boyfriend. But after they learn Dipper has a girlfriend, they team together to sabotage the relationship.
> 
> Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have returned from the abysssssssss!

A plump young man jutted out a hip and crossed his arms. "Cipher, I swear to heavens above, my sweet marshmallow pie will  _never_ find your ugly self attractive."

"Ah ha ha ha!" The lanky man laughed and braced the back of his hands on his waist, one hand twirling a cane. "Have you  _looked_  in a mirror lately, chubby child?"

Eyes widening, the first blond whipped out a pocket mirror and checked his hair and face. Once certain everything was perfect, as usual, he growled and stuffed the handheld mirror into his pocket.

"At least I don't need an  _old man cane_ to walk!"

Cipher's cheeks rosied. "This is  _fashionable!"_ The color receded as he sneered. "But you wouldn't know what that is, judging by your clothes, eh, baby face?"

The blond gasped. "My  _word!_ Watch your tongue,  _old man–"_

"I am a  _year_ older than you!"

"And yet you use a  _cane!"_

"Let me formally introduce you two, then!" Cipher reared a hand, wielding the wooden cane, and swung forwards.

"Hey Gideon, Bill!" A familiar voice called.

Gideon clasped the amulet on his necktie, glow emanating between his fingers, and a teal light encircled Bill's cane. Gideon released his amulet and both boys frantically straightened and slapped on charming smiles.

"Marshmallow!" Gideon chirped, turning.

Bill tacked on a chime as he swiveled in time to his rival. "Pine Tree!"

What both blonds then saw, however, made them freeze.

"Who is  _that?"_ They demanded in sync then shot each other disturbed looks.

Dipper grinned, arm wrapped around a young woman, and pressed a kiss to the stranger's cheek. "She is the coolest person I know." He added with a proud blush. "And my girlfriend."

 _"What?"_ The blonds recoiled.

"It was nice meeting you!" The young lady gave a small wave and returned Dipper's kiss, but on the lips.

Dipper grinned like a dope before he remembered the stunned blonds. "See you guys later!"

As the couple turned away, Bill and Gideon shared determined expressions.

"Truce?" Bill shot out a hand.

"Deal."

"Alright, here's what we're gonna do." Bill started. "I got a bunch of deer teeth in my bathroom and we could–"

Gideon scrunched his teeth.  _"Why_ would you have deer teeth? That's disgusting!"

"I was originally going to put them in your hair but that's not the point. So–"

"You were  _what?"_ The young man shrieked. "That's crossing a line!"

"Yeesh, kid, calm down. They're not for you anymore. So here's the plan: we're going to get a phoenix, talk to some manotaurs, and collect gnomes and–"

"Gnomes." Gideon repeated, tone flat.

"Yes, gnomes, they're a crude bunch but they're perfect for this. So we'll release them and their chaos and insanity will make that thief break up with the kid!"

"Ohhhkay, so what about the deer teeth?"

"I'll let it rain!" Bill burst into laughter.

The plump young man thinned his lips but agreed.

~oOo~

Dipper opened the door and stepped aside with a grand bow and a cheeky smile. "My lady, the brownie mix is in the kitchen."

The woman returned the bow with a chuckle. "Then the brownies, we shall make my honorable knight."

The nineteen year old straightened with a laugh as they both stepped into the Mystery Shack. "I'll get the stuff ready. Meet you in the kitchen?"

"Sure." She agreed and ventured to the bathroom.

A moment later, Dipper heard a shriek. He rushed to the restroom to find his girlfriend being carried out the window by a horde of gnomes, animal teeth dropping off their bodies. Dipper groaned and clambered out the window after them.

"Dipper!" She shrieked.

"It's okay!" He returned and shouted. "Jeff! That's  _my_  queen you're taking and you know the rules!"

The gnomes stuttered to a halt. The leader poked his head out of the swarm of bearded faces and scowled.

"You heard him, boys. If the gal's already someone's queen then we can't take her. Let's go."

The gnomes dropped the woman and scampered back into the forest, leaving a trail of teeth behind them. Dipper sighed and hurried to help his girlfriend to her feet.

"Are you o–"

"Dipper." The young woman inhaled. "We need to talk."

The teen stiffened. "Y–yeah?"

She pursed her lips. "Everytime I'm around you, something  _weird_ happens! Yesterday, a minotaur–"

"Manotaur." Dipper corrected.

"Whatever!" She threw her hands into the air. "The  _man_ otaur appeared out of  _nowhere_ asking about some multi-headed  _bear!"_

"Who's a  _great_ guy!"

"And the day before  _that,_  a burning bird–"

"Phoenix."

"–pooped on me and the crap was on  _fire. Fire,_ Dipper!"

"Uh–"

"And now with the being grabbed by gnomes, I have  _had_  it!"

"But–"

"We are  _done,_ Dipper Pines." She stormed away.  _"Done."_

Dipper stared as she entered her car and drove away, heart sinking. He sighed, returning to the shack, and opened the door. Shuffling to the living room, he collapsed onto the couch and turned on the TV. As he grasped a pillow and curled up, he tried not to let the hurt of being dumped overwhelm him.

"Dipper!" A southern twang sang as the front door burst open followed by another voice.

"We're home~"

"Go away." He mumbled.

"So how'd the date go this time?" Bill, obnoxiously cheerful, prodded.

"Terrible."

The two blonds paused. The poor brunet sounded  _miserable._ Had their meddling been  _that_ bad?

"Dipper," Gideon began, voice soft. "Tell us what happened."

The teen bit his lip and choked on a sob. "I finally found a girl that I liked, really  _really_  liked, and she was even interested in the things I had to say! Like mystery and adventure and I finally found her but...but the  _one_ girl I finally found goes and  _dumps_ me and I completely understand why."

"Oh, Dipper…" Gideon reached to touch the teen's shoulder but the brunet pulled away.

He sniffled. "I'm weird and nerdy and lame and awkward and sweaty and every time I like someone, something  _weird_ happens that make them  _hate_ me!

"No, kid–" Bill tried to protest.

"I'm just–I'm just such an  _idiot_ for thinking anyone would actually  _like_ me like that!"

Bill and Gideon shared worried looks until they arrived at a mutual conclusion.

Time to confess.

"Dipper… Cipher and I have something to tell you."

The blonds averted their gazes. "We…" Bill started. "We mighta sorta sabotaged your dates with any and all romantic relationships you've ever had."

Dipper stared.

Then exploded.

"You did  _what?_ How  _could_  you! I–I  _trusted_  you guys! Why would you  _do_ something like that to me?"

His cheeks darkened as anger flared. "Do you think I don't  _deserve_ to have a partner? To have someone  _love_ me? What's next? Gonna scare Mabel and Grunkle Stan away from me too?"

The blonds recoiled and Gideon rushed to salvage the situation. "No, hon, that's not–"

"Get out." Dipper dropped his voice to a dark growl as he stood and shoved them. "Get out and  _don't come back_ because I'm never talking to you to  _again."_

As the brunet pushed the two out of the house with a final, "I  _hate_ you two." the blonds shared wide-eyes.

What had they done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooohooo! I have returned! 
> 
> This time around, I'm gonna post a new chapter every Monday! 
> 
> Oh hey, look, I made a Patreon!
> 
> My Patreon is:  
> https://www.patreon.com/SapphireSterre?ty=h


	32. Revolving Clues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Museums all over the United States have been broken into by the infamous thieves Cipher and Gleeful, steadily heading from the east coast to the west coast. Security guard Dipper Pines suspects there’s a motive other than riches for the thieves, but when they break into the museum he guards, he seizes the chance to solve the mystery.
> 
> Pairing: Billdip, Dipeon (both one-sided)

A nineteen-year-old patted his thighs, keys jingling, and hummed to a pop song. Eyes jumping from one screen to another to check for any intruders, he stood from his chair and stretched.

"Disco girl," he mumbled and adjusted his hat, "coming through–"

Static crackled and he snapped open his eyes, gaze darting about the various screens fastened to the wall in front of him. His focus zeroed in on a crisp image of a brown face encompassing the electronic. Alarm flared and he shot out of his chair just as the corresponding camera flashed then fizzled to black.

Dipper swore and flipped open a plastic case and slammed his palm against the revealed button. Ringing resounded until a click and the teen rushed to explain the situation, all the while screens steadily blackened.

"This is the California State Railroad Museum in Sacramento. Cipher has broken past our security system. I haven't seen Gleeful yet but–"

"Right here, hon." A southern twang sang behind him.

He whirled on his heel and grasped the baton on his belt. Bracing himself, he widened his stance to ground himself and examined his fair skinned opponent.

"Scratch that," he tacked on as he glared at the smirking blond. "Gleeful's here too."

"Alright. Our force is on their way."

The teen released the button and the call ended. He returned full focus onto the intruder only to widen his eyes and lunge to the side when the chair, encompassed by teal light, sailed at him. He cursed beneath the desk and mumbled a defensive spell. Blue light surrounded him, shimmering and strong.

He crawled out from underneath the table and launched at the thief clutching his bowtie. If he could distract Gleeful long enough for the police to arrive, then maybe the force would have the chance to catch at least  _one_ of the infamous thieves. Another object flew at him, forcing him to dodge or risk energy backlash from the spell abruptly breaking. The incantation was only good for side hits, not direct ones.

The guard dismissed the blue light and lifted a knee, aiming for the stranger's crotch but the intruder retreated a step. Dipper raised his foot but Gleeful grabbed the leg and yanked. Dipper gasped, standing leg slipping out from under him, and twisted to land on a palm, the other hand still holding the baton. Throwing his weight forwards, he rolled free of the thief's grip and jumped to his feet.

"For a goody-two-shoes, hon, you sure are cute." Gleeful added a laugh, wiping his palms on slacks. "I'm almost tempted to steal your heart instead of those keys on your belt."

Dipper scrunched his face, repulsed by the idea of a  _criminal_  wooing him, and sprung forwards with fists raised. The muscled man grinned and blocked the flurry of the teen's punches. Gleeful swung up high and Dipper aimed low but a broad hand snagged his forearm and wrenched the limb to the side, tossing the lightweight teen into the chest of the intruder

Wide arms locked against the brunet's back, pinning Dipper in place. Dipper wriggled and protested as the bigger man plucked the ring of keys from his belt. The teen yelped when the criminal coped a feel.

"I'd love to stay and chat, hon," Gleeful purred into his ear. "But I've got a job to do."

The night guard growled. "So do I."

Adjusting his grip on the baton, Dipper leaned back and dug his heel into the thief's foot. Gleeful gasped and the hold loosened. The guard stepped away, sliding free from the entrapment, and slammed his knee into the criminal's most vulnerable area.

The infamous delinquent groaned and dropped the keys, hunching over his midsection with his face contorted. Dipper snorted and whipped a pair of handcuffs out of his uniformed jacket. He swept forwards, snagged the whining blond's wrists, and cuffed them together. The guard pulled out some rope from his jacket pocket's to fasten the twine to the cuffs and to the leg of the metal desk.

Swiping the keys off the tiled floor, Dipper clipped the ring onto his belt and smirked. "One down and one to go."

The brunet revealed a flashlight from his jacket and clicked on the device. He strode out of the office room, agonized moans following him, when weight slammed against his side. The guard toppled to the floor with a shout, flashlight falling from his hands and flicking off, and struggled to sit upright. Darkness swarmed the hallway while the invisible force kept him trapped.

"Well whaddya know? You're pretty cute, kid!" A high pitched voice tacked on a wild laugh.

He furrowed his brow and focused on his heartbeat.  _Badum, badum, badum, badum…_

He inhaled, tuning out the yammering voice, and channeled the energy flowing through his veins and exhaled. Power wisped from his body, rising and traveling through the cracks in the barrier holding him down. Once the cracks were filled with his energy, he flared his magic and shattered the opponent's spell.

A hiss and footsteps echoed and he leapt to his feet, fists raised, and murmured a chant. Blue light surrounded his body and filled the space. He blinked back the spots dancing in his vision, as if that would help his eyes adjust faster, and slid into a fighting stance.

A young face framed with blond locks burst from the shadows with an eerie grin. "You're pretty good for a guard! Ever thought of doing work that's  _actually_  worthwhile?"

Dipper frowned, studying Cipher's lax stance. "Ever thought of going to jail?"

"Been there, done that, broke out!" Cipher chirped. "Can you believe how  _boring_  jail guards are? They're not  _half_ as much fun as you are!"

"Tough." Dipper shot back just as sirens roared. "Cause that's  _exactly_ where you'll be going."

The criminal shrugged. "Good luck with that, kid." He snapped his fingers.

Dipper gasped as the magic glowing around his form crackled and burst. He staggered, pain coursing through his entire body, and slumped to the tiles. He cursed. Damn backlash from a disrupted spell. His frame throbbed and he blinked. Of  _course_  his eyes wouldn't adjust to the darkness as fast as he wanted them to.  _Urgh_.

The guard growled, body paralyzed for the moment. Warmth and a leather texture pressed against his chin. The force tilted his chin and a soft surface pressed against his cheek.

"See you soon, Pine Tree." Cipher murmured.

The pressure trailed away and the teen's cheek's heated as he spluttered. Just what was  _with_  these criminals?

Footsteps pattered away. A pause passed until a flurry of footfalls and curses followed after the first. Shoes squeaked against the tiles as the second feet stopped beside him.

"Below the belt is a low move," a southern twang began. "But since you're cute, I'll let it slide."

Recognizing the voice, Dipper huffed but stifled a smile as movement returned to him. "How'd you get out of the cuffs?"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Gleeful sang. "Trade secret. But I can let you know one thing…"

A soft surface pressed against his cheek. The teen thinned his lips. "I don't–"

Gleeful inhaled. "I'll steal your heart, just you wait."

And then he was gone.

Dipper flexed his fingers then slowly pushed himself upright. He steadied his breathing and gathered himself. He stood and swayed. Placing a hand against the wall to steady himself, the guard closed his eyes and focused. Internally, he searched for his energy imprint on the flashlight and opened his senses. He opened his eyes as a blue light sparked and he neared the source.

Tapping the floor with his feet, he located the plastic device and tucked his toes beneath it. Channeling his power into the light to keep the electronic surrounded with blue light, he kicked upwards, sending the flashlight into the air, and caught the device. He clicked on the flashlight.

Temple throbbing, he made his way to the museum's entrance and unlocked the door just as the police exited their vehicles. Dipper sighed and held the door open.

"Are you Dipper Pines?" One of the officers asked, brisk.

"Yes."

The woman continued, flipping out her own flashlight from her belt. "The curator will be joining us to determine what was stolen. Lead us to the security office."

"Alright." The teen nodded.

The night guard guided the police officers to the office. He pressed a button to activate the backup light generators, then showed the officers the tapes. While they examined the scenes and discussed, he dragged himself to the upended chair, fixed the seat, and plopped down. Just as he sank deeper into the cushions, the curator arrived with a clipboard stuffed with paper.

The police greeted the man then an officer turned to Dipper. "While they search the museum, tell me everything you can about what happened."

Dipper nodded and did his best to explain the event. Though, he made  _sure_  to omit the embarrassing bits of the affectionate thieves. The officer jotted notes on a pad of paper.

"…and after he broke my spell, they both escaped." He finished.

"Alright, thank you." The policeman nodded just as the curator returned.

The curator cleared his throat and announced. "This is rather puzzling but…nothing was stolen."

Dipper blinked and withheld the urge to interrupt. How did the infamous thieves notoriously known for their completed heists,  _not_ manage to steal anything?

"Instead," the curator continued. "We found  _this."_

Dipper lifted his head to examine the black inked scribbles on a yellow parchment. Blood rushed to his cheeks and he stammered as all eyes zeroed on him.

"I–I don't–"

"Mr. Pines," the officer with the paper pad raised a brow. "Did you neglect to share certain information?"

The guard sucked in a breath. "W–well  _sure_ Cipher and Gleeful were kinda… _affectionate_  but that's not–I'm not– _we're_ not–" He struggled to articulate, cheeks rosy.

One of the officers accepted the note from the curator. "We'll keep this as evidence and send this to the forensics. It's unlikely, but perhaps they were careless this time and left fingerprints."

The teen groaned and buried his face in his hands and whined, voice quiet. "I'm  _not_  dating a pair of  _criminals."_

~oOo~

Dipper stared at the wall of his room, expression pinched. Just why  _were_  the thieves ransacking museums across the country? And just  _why_ didn't they steal anything this time?

His gaze skimmed over the various images and notes on the surface. Why did they go to one museum in at least  _every_ state? Why just the United States and not elsewhere? Why museums? Why old artifacts? Just  _what were they planning?_

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Maybe he should take a break. The teen raised a wrist to check his watch and groaned. Time to go to work. Attaching his flashlight and baton to his belt, the night guard made his way out of the apartment.

A walk and a bus ride later, Dipper arrived at the Railroad Museum. He pushed open the front doors and strode inside, weaving through the swarms of exiting crowds. He made his way to the security office and entered the room. Sitting down, the guard checked that all screens were functioning.

"Another boring night…" he murmured, shifting to a slouch.

A click echoed and Dipper turned as footsteps neared. He straightened.

"Good evening, Mr. Lawton." He greeted the curator. "Is there something you need?"

"Yes," the man returned, voice unusually high-pitched as he extended a hand holding a yellow envelope. "I found this in my office."

The security guard frowned as he accepted the letter. His eyes widened and he lifted his head. "Mr. Lawton, shouldn't you show the police this instead of me?"

The curator laughed. "The police suck at their jobs, kid. Just read the letter."

Dipper pursed his lips. "Are you alright, sir?"

"Yeesh," the man waved a hand. "Just open it up."

With a sidelong glance at his boss, the teen complied. Light flared from inside the letter and Dipper gasped as the paper heated. He dropped the stationary and rolled back in the chair as blinding light encompassed the room. Hastily, he tossed an arm over his eyes. A thud resounded followed by laughter filling the room. He chanced a glance and gasped.

" _Cipher?_  How–"

"I'm here too, hon!" An indignant accent cut him off.

 _"Gleeful?"_  Dipper's eyes widened.

Remembering his duty, he spun in his chair and lunged for the emergency alarm button. Just as he flipped open the plastic case, a beefy hand snatched his wrist and yanked him away from the desk.

"Hey!" He shouted, struggling. "Let me go!"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Gleeful sang. "We've got a job to do and we can't have you ruining it again, no matter  _how_ cute you are."

Dipper growled and kicked but Gleeful twisted his arm and he gasped. The criminal was going to  _break his arm!_  He wriggled, panic flaring, but the pain only worsened. Reluctantly, he stilled.

"Atta boy." Cipher praised.

Dipper twisted just enough to study the thief. His eyes widened as Cipher neared, wielding glowing yellow rope.

"This outta keep you from causing any trouble tonight." Cipher wrapped the magic enhanced twine around the teen once. "Alright Gideon, hold down his arms."

The blond thieves worked together to bind the security guard to the chair. Once they finished, Dipper wriggled and struggled but only succeeded in earning a rope burn.

"Let me go!" The teen grunted. "What are you even planning?"

Gleeful rolled his eyes but Cipher grinned. "Join us and we'll tell you!"

The teen scrunched his face. "Yeah,  _no."_

"Then you'll never know!" Cipher chirped. "C'mon Gideon, we've got a job to do!"

They left the room.

"Ohhh…man." Dipper groaned. "I'm  _so_ gonna get fired."

Still, though…he might as well  _try_ to break the bonds keeping him in place. He inhaled and closed his eyes, focusing on the constant pulse emanating from the glowing rope. If he could just…find…a crack… Mentally, he combed through each section of twine but couldn't find any spaces to invade.

"Just what is this stuff  _made_ out of?" He frowned.

A groan by the corner of the room prompted him to jump. His brows rose and his jaw dropped.

 _"Mr. Lawton?"_ He gasped. "Sir, are you alright?"  
The curator moaned and rubbed his head and sat upright. "Goodness gracious," the man muttered. "How much did I drink?"

"Uh…" Dipper stammered, catching his employer's eye. "Mr. Lawton, I think you were possessed by Cipher."

"Bill Cipher?" The man blinked and stumbled to his feet. "That  _rascal_. Though wasn't he here yesterday?"  
"Yes." The teen confirmed and frowned as his boss neared. "Sir, I don't know what spell was put on these rope but I can't break them with my magic."

The man nodded and grasped the twine only to retreat with a hiss. "We're gonna need scissors."

Dipper bit his lip. "There's none in this office."

"Then I'll go to my–"

The screens beside them flashed and both males twisted to watch. A familiar grin covered all the electronic images as if they were one all connected to one camera. The security guard growled. What were the thieves planning to do this time?

"Sir," Dipper rushed. "The emergency contact button is beneath the plastic case on the desk. If you push it, the police will be alerted."

Just as his manager lifted a hand, a teal aura encompassed the limb and a southern accent reprimanded. "Ah! Ah! Ah! Can't have you doing that! Why don't cha take a nice long nap instead?"

Dipper sucked in a breath as a wave of dust encompassed by the greenish blue aura wafted into the room and ensnared the face of the curator. The man dropped with a thud. When the aura dissipated, the teen released the breath he held.

"Glee–"

"C'mon, hon, the show's about ta start!" Gleeful strode to his side and hauled the teen, still fastened to the chair, over his shoulder.

"Let go!" Dipper wiggled and kicked but the criminal just laughed and toted him out of the room and into–

"The Spookomotive Train Ride?" The security guard raised a brow. "Why–"

His question rose into a piercing shriek as the decorations on the small vehicle melted off the surface, leaving a trail of crimson ooze on the surface. A metallic stench burned. Dipper recoiled as they neared.

"What did you two  _do?"_  He yelped, the energy within him tightening. "This place feels like it's been  _cursed!"_

Cipher hummed. "Good to know, kid. We're on track!" he tacked on a laugh as they boarded the train. "Now time to ride this hunk of junk!"

Dipper gagged, the atmosphere reeking of forbidden castings, and struggled to center his breathing. As the wheels creaked into motion, his magic vibrated and he grimaced.  _Damnit_. His energy was in too much of a chaotic state to steady! He grunted and fidgeted. But he needed to get  _out_  of here!

"Let me go!" He squirmed and Gleeful dumped his restrained form. "I can barely  _breathe_ in here!"

The train rumbled and rolled along the tracks, following the path through the museum exhibit. The blonds ignored his protests and complaints, instead focusing on unloading a sack filled with artifacts… Artifacts stolen from the museums they raided.

Dipper quieted and watched as they placed each item onto the metal floor. They assembled the ancient tablets, currency, and pottery into…a star formation? Why would they–He paled. Were they trying to  _summon_ something? Something old? His gaze raked over each item. Smaller items, like gems and statuettes, connected the larger pieces to one another in a dotted pattern. But what about the items  _themselves?_

He scrunched his face. They were all old? Urghh… Just what  _connected_ them? He couldn't tell what culture or time period any of the items were from! He just knew that they were  _old._

"Your mind's gonna blow a fuse, kid." A voice murmured into his ear.

He jerked and a gloved hand slapped over his mouth, halting his exclamation and any possibility of verbalizing questions. Cipher's other arm looped around his waist and hauled him into the air. The blond placed the bound security guard in the middle of the star, encircled by a ring of beads. Almost as if the star had an eye and he was the pupil…

He frowned as the criminal returned to Gleeful's side and glanced to the side. He paled.

"What…what is  _that?"_

In front of the train and beneath an arch, where the train  _would_ have exited the museum to be outside, a tear in the fabric of space hovered. The teen renewed his struggles as the ominous energy emanating from the rift flooded his senses, spiraling his own magic into a frantic pattern of sparks and thudding heartbeats.

Dipper gasped as a chill crawled along his spine, spreading icy coldness along his limbs. His body stiffened and seemed to freeze in place. His teeth chattered and he tried to study the shadowed faces of the blonds.

"Wh–why–" Dipper shivered, unable to finish.

The train creaked and rolled to a stop just before the vehicle entered the rift.

"Before we begin the transaction, we've got a deal for you, hon." The southern twang started.

"Trans–transaction?" His lips darkened into a deep shade of blue.

Cipher continued. "You're about to act as a catalyst. We'll be channeling our magic through you to make this deal with an ancient entity."

 _"Bastards."_  Dipper bit out, frost forming on his cheeks.

Cipher snorted. "If you join us, we'll give you a third of our profits from this deal."

"No d–d–dice." The teen spat. "I'm not making a deal with a demon."

"It's not a demon, Pine Tree, it's an entity older than a demon–the core of the earth–it's a force of  _energy_ –"

"Y–yeah, don–don't care."

"Agree to this deal, hon," Gleeful pushed. "And we'll get this over with."

"F–f–f–fine…" Dipper relented, cheeks coated with ice.

"Ready, Bill?" Gleeful began.

"Way ahead of you." Cipher returned.

The blonds chanted a foreign language. Just as the teen's senses began to shut down, warmth coursed through his veins, slowly rising in heat until the frost coating his skin and clothes melted bit by bit. Soaked in water, Dipper blinked back the fatigue before he felt a sucker punch to his gut and gasped as unfamiliar energy rushed alongside his own magic.

Vibrant yellow and bright teal energy steamed from his body, rising to enter the rift in space. With warmth and magic flowing freely through his veins, Dipper regained his strength and mentally grasped the unfamiliar strands of magic and  _yanked._

Pained gasped chorused and the criminals dropped to the floor, their magic snapping back to their own systems and paralyzing their bodies for the moment. With the magical backlash affecting the blonds, the magic within the ropes weakened and Dipper seized the chance.

The brunet inhaled the cooling air and exhaled heat. Using the temperature difference to his advantage, he willed his magic to heat his body and weaken the wet ropes.

"Whether or not this stuff  _does_ summon some sort of energy core…" Dipper began, concentrating on splitting the twine with his magic. "I'm certain it's a forbidden spell. And forbidden spells–" he grunted as the rope broke. "Are forbidden for a  _reason."_

Now free, the teen stood and pivoted to fully face the rift. Inhaling, he centered himself and tried to remain calm as his nerves shook, the cursed stench creeping on him. He listened to his heartbeat and lowered his stance, palms together. He exhaled. Separating his hands, a blue strand of light between them, he set to work.

If each dimension was a fabric in space and this dimensional rift was a  _tear_ in that fabric, then all he had to do was sew the fabric back together.

As his sister had taught him to do on her knitted projects, he weaved the strand of magic through one end of the space to the other. All the while, ice crept along his back. Back and forth, back and forth, he repeated the steps until the rift was covered in blue strands. He knotted both ends.

Fingers numb and teeth chattering once more, he summoned the last dregs of his magic and  _pulled._

Slowly, pulled by the thread, the rift closed.

Dipper dropped to the floor, exhausted and shivering. Warm arms wrapped around his waist and lifted him into a broad chest. Though he didn't have the strength to resist Gleeful's hold, he did protest.

"Don't…" his voice cracked. "Don't summon that again…"

"My goodness, hon…" The thief began. "You look  _awful."_

"So–so do you." Dipper laughed, on the verge of hysteria and frostbite. "Ugly jerk."

"Now that's just not nice." The southern accent reprimanded.

Footsteps clicked closer and another voice pitched in. "Yeesh, the kid's almost frozen solid!"

"We gotta heat him up, Bill." Gleeful cradled the teen closer. "I'm still winded from the backlash but I think I've got enough magic to heal him. Help me out."

The blond sat him back down into the chair and he sagged, eyes drifting shut.

"No, no, no!" Gleeful scolded. "Don't fall asleep! You might never wake up."

Dipper groaned. But he wanted to sleep! He  _needed_ to sleep! He was exhausted, couldn't they see that? Still, he tried to comply and blinked fast. Hands, soft and warm and glowing teal, roamed over his form. He sighed, easing into the gentle touch and felt himself slipping…

"Wake up, kiddo!" Leather slapped his cheeks and a voice sang into his ear, jolting him.

"Bill." Gleeful reprimanded. "You don't need to scare him."

Cipher shrugged. "I woke him up, didn't I?"

The poofy hairdoed blond huffed but continued to work, sorting through the teen's magic reserves and recharging them with neutral magic to help the teen's energy flow and heat on his own.

"Alright…" Gleeful breathed. "I'm worn out but he's healed. All he needs now is a good rest and warm bed."

Cipher grinned, wide and lewd. "I could–"

"No, Bill." Gleeful shot him down.

Cipher pouted. "Aww…"

"Let's head back. Can you carry him for me?"

Bill  _grinned._  "Are we taking him home?"

"No." Gideon sighed, tone dejected. "We're not."


	33. Trio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darn it, Mabel. He was a stagehand, not an actor!
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm doin' a thing called Drawlloween! There's a prompt for each day in October and I'm gonna post an UBER short story each day based on each day's prompt.

Helping set up a stage  _sucked._

Chatter surrounded the stagehand as he lugged the table onto the stage. Grunting and shuffling, the eighteen-year-old floundered to place the wooden piece of set in the right spot. The legs creaked and he winced. Hopefully the table wouldn't break for the final performance. Wiping the sweat from his forehead, the teen straightened and pivoted.

_"Pine Tree!"_

Dipper shrieked. "Bill! Don't  _do_ that!"

The actor laughed, sharp and loud. "You should've seen your  _face,_  kid!"

The stagehand crossed his arms. "Don't you have lines to review?"

Bill spun his cane, grinning. "Already memorized! Besides, it's the chubby brat's turn to perform for tonight."

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Then why are you even–" His phone buzzed in his pocket. "One sec."

He pulled out the device only to stiffen.

Bill frowned. "What's the matter?"

"Mabel says she's sick and can't perform tonight."

The actor planted his cane to the floor and propped his hands atop the black painted surface. He leaned forwards, rising up to his tip-toes, and peered at the brunet's phone. Dipper tucked the electronic closer to his chest and stepped to the side, shooting the shorter teen a glare.

"She says she think she's got– _darn it, Mabel."_

A southern twang interrupted. "What happened, marshmallow?"

Dipper sighed. Great.  _Another_ bothersome actor.

"Mabel drank some Mabel Juice, Gideon, and now she's got food poisoning."

Gideon pursed his lips. "But she's the main character's love interest and there's no understudy. If Mabel can't play the character, then who will?"

"What do you mean Mabel can't play her character?"

"Pacifica." Dipper greeted then tacked on a sigh. "Mabel's upchucking her guts right now. What do we do?"

The chatter seemed to quiet as the director furrowed her brows and swept the room with a glance, all eyes on her, before her gaze returned to the brunet. Her eyes narrowed and a smile stretched her lips.

"You helped Mabel practice her lines, didn't you?" The blonde prompted.

Dipper shrugged. "Here and there, yeah. Why?"

As the director continued to grin, the teen's stomach churned as realization crept into the back of mind. "Ohhhhh no." His eyes widened. "Oh no no  _no._  I am  _not_ playing Gideon's lover."

In the corner of his eye, Dipper barely noticed Bill shove a preening Gideon. Voices rose behind him in a heated argument, but his focus remained trained on the evil, so very  _evil_ , director.

"C'mon, girls," Pacifica waved a hand. "We've got an hour before the show starts and our queen is in need of a dress."

"I didn't sign up for this!" He protested as Pacifica's giggling posse swarmed him, costume in hand and make-up tools ready.

Between the argument in the background, overall chatter, and the clique's laughter, his call for help went unheard.

~oOo~

Dipper gritted his teeth as he stepped out of the bathroom decked in a flouncy dress that just  _would not stop_   _bouncing like_ geeze _, he felt ridiculous._  The fact that the cast and any passing stagehand stopped to stare and laugh did  _not_ improve his mood.

Two blond heads launched their way to the front of the crowd, people falling like dominos in their wake as they rushed to see what the commotion was about. Great. Juuuust  _great._  Dipper growled as Bill and Gideon appeared. Their jaws dropped.

"Dipper, hon, you look…" Gideon began, eyes wide.

"Ridiculous, I  _know."_

 _"Striking_  is the word I'd use." Bill cut in, an odd glint in his eye. "Actually, didn't you say you didn't know your lines? I can help you with–"

Gideon whipped around, cheeks rosy.  _"Not so fast,_  Cipher!  _I_ promised I would help him with his lines first!"

The brunet furrowed his brows. "No you–"

Bill braced the back of his hands against his hips. "You know what, chubby? You  _suck_ at your role so  _I'm_ going to play the main character tonight!"

"Oh ho ho ho, I don't  _think so."_  The blond jabbed his index finger into the other actor's chest. "It's my turn to play tonight and I  _will."_

Dipper rolled his eyes and wandered away to find the director. Pacifica would  _regret_  forcing him into acting. He sucked at acting! And he didn't even know the lines! He chose being a stagehand for a reason so  _why_ did that jerk think this was a good idea? She was practically sabotaging her own play! And!  _And_ people will be mocking him for  _weeks._

He groaned. Just where was Pacifica? He needed his–

"The play's starting! Dipper, get on stage!"

His eyes snapped wide. "Wait,  _what?"_

Someone planted their hands against his back and pushed him forwards, guiding him through the green room and out the door to lead behind a part of the set hidden from the audience.

"Wait!" He protested in a heated whisper. "I'm not ready! I don't even know my lines yet."

"You're on your own!" The classmate whispered back and thrust him onto the stage.

The spotlight blinded the teen as he stood on the second level of the set, surrounded by painted cardboard with a ladder hidden to the side. Cardboard painted and cut to look like trees were spread on the stage. He bit his lip as laughter burst from the audience.

He was alone on stage.

 _Crap_.

"Um…" He stammered, scrambling to think of the lines his sister had rehearsed to him countless times before. Why did he have to zone out during those times?

Piano keys began to play from the speakers and he paled.

Why Pacifica?  _Why?_

As the familiar tune continued, the heat of the light and embarrassment burning his body, the words returned to him. A guitar strummed in time to the piano and he inhaled, hands shaking.

"I've been yearning for someone to looove me."

 _The hell, Pacifica?_  Dipper thought and breathed.

"Someone who can see, that I'm not  _just_  pretty."

"I…" He trailed the note and prayed his voice wouldn't crack. "I want a guy who can look me in the eye."

He blushed. "Doesn't stare at my breast, but loves the heart in my chest…"

The lights dimmed until total darkness while another spotlight lit to where someone was standing by a fake tree. Dipper blinked. When did Gideon come on stage? The brunet frowned. Wait. Was he supposed to go off stage now?

"I've been looking for someone to looove me." The southern twang sang.

Dipper turned around.

"Someone who can see, that there is more to me."

A stagehand shook their hands and Dipper halted.

"I…" Gideon inhaled. "I want a gal, who can be my pal."

Dipper turned around to watch.

"Someone I can show I care, share my feelings anywhere."

The blond grinned. "Lets me know that I can. Doesn't say I'm not a man."

The lights darkened once again until Dipper could only notice the faint outline of the pompadour moving before the lights went up and blinded him once more.

"I've heard discouraging words." Dipper sang. "But how can kindness be absurd?"

"All I want is someone to know, that we can go slow."

Dipper strained to hit the high note. "Will I ever meet someone? Someone who loves me for me?"

Once more, the light dimmed and lit to reveal–

'I've heard–"

 _"Bill?"_  Dipper gasped.

"–such awful things. Yet a lovely voice always sings."

Why was Bill on stage? Where was Gideon? Just what was going on?

Dipper jolted as he realized he had to pitch in. "I've been yearning for someone to looove me."

"I know not where, or when or how, but when I'm here, I hear the sound."

The brunet continued. "Someone who can see, that I'm not  _just_  pretty."

"And if I walk, just this way, will she hear me today?"

The stagehand breathed. "I want a guy who can look me in the eye!"

The whole stage lit up and Bill twirled his cane and sashayed to the cardboard and wooden tower Dipper stood in.

"Can you see that I am here? I sing for you, my lovely dear!"

Dipper looked down and blinked. Wow. Bill seemed to just  _glow_ in this light…

"There you are! You are the one!" Dipper trailed. "The one I've sung about, you are the one!"

As Bill climbed the tower, the wood beneath Dipper's feet creaked and a southern accent sang behind him.

"You are the one, yes, I can see! But are you willing to be with me?"

"Gideon." Dipper whispered. "What are you doing? Why did you two switch?"

Bill entered the tower and Dipper twisted. What was he supposed to do? This wasn't in the script let  _alone_ the song!

Bill grinned and outstretched a hand. "Take my hand and raise it high, we can go anywhere, if we try."

Dipper hesitated but accepted the hand then turned to Gideon, who also had his hand extended.

"I know you're scared, but it's alright. I'll stay with you through the fight."

Dipper grasped Gideon's hand. Then faced the crowd. Was he supposed to sing something now? But what was he–

Pressure, warm and soft, pressed against both sides of his cheeks and his eyes widened. Did they just–

Together, the blonds sang. "I love you here and I love you now, I hope you'll love me one day somehow."

Dipper fought back a smile but the blush overtook his face as the music faded and the lights dimmed. The crowd roared with cheers and stomps and a grin spread across his face as the lights returned. They raised their joint hands and bowed.

Maybe helping out wasn't that bad.


	34. Unfortunate Exploration Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploring a haunted mansion would've been fun if the ghosts living there weren't trying to kill him.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

Pain blossomed from his back and liquid seeped into his clothes. Dipper gasped and collapsed to the floor, blackness spotting across his vision. A breeze drifted past his face and he squinted to spy transparent figures reaching for him.

~oOo~

Dipper jolted awake only to cringe as agony shot along his spine and he dropped to the mattress. The brunet frowned. Bed? Why was he– _Where_ was he? Swiveling his gaze about the space, Dipper surveyed his surroundings. Dust littered the bedroom and in a corner of his mind he anticipated the need to sneeze but, oddly enough, the sensation never arose.

Dipper shook his head. He needed to  _focus._  How'd he get here? Scrunching his face, the teen sorted through his memories and his eyes snapped open.

 _He'd been attacked_.

Wind swished into the room and two pairs of voices chimed. "You're finally awake!"

Darting his attention to the source of the sound, Dipper's eyes shot wide.  _"You."_

The teen scrambled off the bed, faintly noticing that the dust coating the surface didn't shift with the movement, and the ghosts zoomed to his side. Tension charged the atmosphere as Dipper glowered.

"Stay away from me!" The teen shouted, clenching his fists.

The yellow suited ghost protested, gloved hands raised. "We're your  _brothers,_  Bill," he gestured at himself, "and Gideon, don't you remember us?"

"Yeah, I remember you," Dipper jabbed a finger at the pompadour blond. "You threw a  _knife_ at me!"

Bill murmured a swear and muttered to his brother. "Damn, the spell didn't work. He remembers."

Dipper pivoted to face Bill. "What do you  _mean_ I remember? Did you try to do something to mess with my mind?"

Gideon scoffed. "Why, sugarplum, we'd never do such a dastardly deed. Why, in fact, we  _love_  you!"

Dipper narrowed his eyes. "You gotta be kidding me."

Tossing his hands above his head, the teen stormed past the nuisances and to the door. He grasped the knob but his hand phased through the surface.

Dipper paused.

And tried again.

_His hand passed through the knob._

He jerked his hand down and paled. He could  _see the ground_ ** _through his body._**

Dipper screeched and whirled, finally noticing that his feet were  _hovering_ just above the floor. His face flamed with fury.

"Hon, it's not that bad. We're here for you and  _we love you."_

" _How_ ** _dare_** _you!"_ He yelled. "You  _killed_ me and you have the  _nerve_  to say you  _love_ me!? What kind of  _psychos_ ** _are_** _you?"_

"Ghosts, actually," Bill grinned. "We're ghosts and you're staying with us for all eternity."

Oh  _hell_ no.

Dipper pivoted and shoved his hand at the door. As expected, his hand went through the obstacle and he burst into a sprint. He didn't pause to wonder why the ghosts were only following at a leisurely pace. Instead, he zipped through the house, heading for the front door. When the door appeared in his sight, he flew closer and slammed his shoulder against the wood.

He crumpled to the floor, shoulder aching and mind spinning. That...that  _hurt!_ Why didn't the door swing open from the force? Wait, no, why  _didn't_  he  _phase through the wood?_

The ghosts appeared with cheshire cat grins. Bill twirled a cane–where'd the cane even  _come_ from?–and laughed.

"You can't leave." Bill announced.

Dipper pushed himself to his feet. He curled his fists.

_Oh yes he can._

~oOo~

"For the twentieth time, kid,  _you can't leave."_  Bill leaned against the wall.

Dipper slammed his palm against the window, frustrated tears dripping down his cheeks. He could see the back garden. He could  _see_ freedom. But why couldn't he  _leave_? How was he being stopped from phasing through the window, or the wall, or even the damn  _doors?_

He whirled to face the bored ghosts. "Why are you so  _hell-bent_ on keeping me here? Let me out!"

Gideon shifted his gaze to the ceiling. "We've gone  _over_ this, hon. We wanted company."

"Besides," Bill tacked on. "The mansion was cursed by the owner so no ghost can leave. We've been trapped here for decades."

"You've said that already." Dipper snapped, stalking away from the window with a hand pressed against the wooden wall.

 _Damnit_. So the blonds were serious. He'd tried phasing through every inch of the mansion in an attempt to escape, but so far he hadn't found any way to leave. But if a spell had been casted to  _curse_  the mansion, then there had to be a spell to  _cure_ the mansion...or at the very least allow  _one_ ghost to leave or something, urgh…

He pinched the bridge of his nose with his other hand as he floated through the living room, the blonds trailing after him.  _Mabel._ What the hell would she think about this? Shoot, how would she even know he  _died?_ Would she even be able to see him if he did somehow managed to escape? Well, probably, since  _he_ saw the blond ghosts so then she should be able to see him. But first he needed to figure out how to leave.

Mansions usually had libraries, didn't they?

"Leave me alone!" He shouted to the nuisances.

Focusing, he channeled his energy into his feet and shot upwards to phase through the ceiling. He zoomed through the second floor until he found the library and huddled into a corner. When he didn't' hear the whisper of a ghost approaching, he snuck around the library in search of clues. Perhaps the mansion had spellbooks...and thus books to  _break_ spells.

After flipping through various books with no results, irritation flared. He wouldn't even  _need_  to search for a way out if the jerkfaces hadn't killed him in the  _first_ place! Vindictive side rising, Dipper phased through the floor to look for the cause of his misery. He wanted vengeance and the best way to serve revenge would be if he learned the blonds' weaknesses.

Heated voices caught his attention and he floated toward the noise. He peered around a doorway to spy a dusty bedroom filled with triangular trinkets and...scattered hair products? Weird.

"If I've told you once, then I'll tell you again,  _don't touch my hair."_ Gideon growled, wielding a spray can.

"Yada yada  _yada,"_ Bill retorted, a pyramid paperweight gripped in his hand. "Quit moving my stuff and I  _won't!_ Besides, those cans have been empty for  _years."_

"It's the principle that matters, not fact!" Gideon retorted, hustling to the mirror mounted on the wall with the can in his hand and pretended to spray his hair. He smoothed his precious hairdo.

Dipper pulled away from the wall and returned to the library, a dark grin shadowing his features. So Gideon didn't like anyone ruining his  _perfect_ hair and Bill didn't like people moving his stuff? Well then, Dipper would throw his punches where he could and just  _wreak some havoc_  no matter  _how_ minor.

He frowned as he grasped a spell book from the growing pile. Speaking of punches, maybe he should learn some offensive magic, in case the blonds ever threatened him again then at least he could protect himself. And if he ever  _did_ find a way to escape, then he could fend them off if they caught him.

Nodding, Dipper sat cross-legged and flipped through the book in his hands. Finding the familiar page, he grinned. For now, though, he'd stick with minor pranks. Like, say, turning Gideon's hair black and rearranging Bill's room...

~oOo~

Hours blurred into days and days blurred into weeks and Dipper was  _still_ no closer to finding the answer to his problem. He gripped the book in his hands tighter, crumpling the pages slightly. Though he had learned various offensive and defensive spells and had used some more volatile spells for pranks against the blonds during his breaks from reading, frustration continued to build. His fingers curled tighter, shifting the pages.

He wanted  _out._

He wanted his  _family_.

He wanted to burn this damn–

The page ripped beneath his fingers and he jolted with a gasp. His gaze darted to the tear and he blinked. There, wedged between two pages and sticky from the residue of glue, lay a folded piece of paper. Hardly daring to breathe, (not that he  _needed_ to breath, but the motion was familiar and so he continued to pretend to breathe to at least  _pretend_ he was still alive) Dipper grasped the folded parchment and pulled the paper free.

He unfolded the note and his eyes blew wide. Giddy pleasure prompted him to launch to his feet and stifle a delighted giggle. He couldn't let the blonds hear him or they would hound him for the reason of his sudden joy.  _Finally._

_Finally he could go home._

Scrawled on the note in hasty handwriting were the words to unlock his freedom.

He chanted the spell.  _"A curse was cast to trap this apparition, but now it's time to end the mission. So break the curse with this spell: free the ghost and end it's hell"_

Light glowed around Dipper's form and his cheeks hurt from grinning so hard. Slowly, he phased through the floor, as if the magic would vanish with the movement, before glee rushed through his system and he zipped forwards.

He zoomed past the constant sound of bickering, unaware that his laughter halted the noise. He arrived at the front door and halted, tentatively, he place his hand on the knob and…

...his hand  _phased through the door._

A shriek pierced his ears and he yanked back his hand and whirled to face the screeching blonds. A knife in hand, Gideon whipped the knife at the teen. Dipper frowned and dodged, narrowly avoiding the black hued weapon from pinning his shirt to the wall.

A cursed knife wouldn't stop him  _this time._

He whirled and lunged for the door but a gloved palm snagged his ankle, dragging him backwards.

"How'd you do it?" Bill shouted into his ear, frantic and furious.  _"How'd you break the curse?"_

 _"Don't let him leave!"_ Gideon screamed, face red.  _"He's our way out of here."_

Dipper kicked wildly, fingers clawing the wooden floor as Bill dragged him away from the door–away from  _freedom._

He snarled.  _"No."_

Summoning energy from within his core, he chanced one of the riskier offensive spells he'd painstakingly practiced.

_"Let the fury from within spark the fire, end this misery and light the pyre!"_

Fire erupted from his hand, heat unbearable, and he slammed his palm against the wood flooring. The dry wood burst into a blazing inferno and Bill released him with a panicked swear. The ghosts launched themselves at the fire, desperately trying to pat down the rapidly spreading flames.

Drained from casting the powerful spell and feeling the heat burn his form, Dipper dragged himself forwards. He was almost...at...the door…

Bill yelled. "Gideon,  _grab him._ If we're going down then  _so is he."_

Stubborn determination ignited and he  _shoved_ against the ground, rolling towards freedom. Gideon's hand snagged his arm and he yanked the limb to his mouth and snapped his jaw over the ghost's arm. Gideon howled, reflexively releasing his forearm. Dipper hauled himself to his knees and launched himself off the floor in a last ditch attempt to escape.

He rolled out the door.

Thunking down the steps, he slowed to a halt on the gravel pathway, breathing ragged. He...he did it…

He  _escaped._

Delirious with relief, he laughed and hauled himself to his feet. He staggered away from the burning hell and dragged himself home.

What the hell was  _Mabel_  going to think?

~oOo~

 _"Dipper!"_  Mabel gasped, rushing to his side as he phased through the front door just as she shuffled down the stairs. "Oh my gosh, Dipper is that you?"

He just smiled crookedly and dropped into her arms. "I'm home…"

Tears flooded down her cheeks as Mabel hiccuped out a laugh.  _"You're home."_

From what little he glimpsed of his sister before he sagged into her embrace, worry swarmed his mind. She looked  _terrible._ Her clothes hung from her frame–a sign she hadn't been eating right, and her face had become an awful shade of pale and sunken. He swallowed.

"I'm sorry, Mabel…" He murmured, shutting his eyes as he cried.  _"I'm so sorry…"_

"Dummydot," Mabel tightened her hold. "I've got a lot of questions but they'll have to wait. But…" he felt her try for a smile against his shoulder. "Maybe you can use your ghostly senses to find me a vampire boyfriend?"

Dipper burst into a laugh. "Sure thing, Mabel, sure thing."


	35. Fancy Schmancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His sister thought he couldn’t be cool. But with two men swooning over him, she couldn’t be more wrong.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

Dipper huffed, glaring at the mirror. "I can  _so_  be cool."

If he couldn't be considered cool as himself, then he would just have to  _be someone else._

But first he had to go shopping.

The nineteen-year-old tromped out of his room and down the attic stairs. To change his look, he'd need different clothes, and to  _get_ those different clothes he'd need money, so… The brunet hurried into the vacant living room and found the slightly mismatched brick above the couch. Pulling the stone out of the space, he swiped the bag his Grunkle Stan had hidden and gathered a bunch of bills. He stuffed the money into his pockets and returned the duffel bag and brick back into place.

Hurrying out of the room and out the front door before his grunkle could order him to clean the Shack, the teen headed to the mall. Minutes passed and he finally arrived. He frowned, gaze skimming the shop names.

What style was  _least_ like him? He hesitated in front of  _Edgy on Purpose._  Maybe a 'bad boy' look? Brown eyes noticed a familiar sweatshirt with a broken heart on one of the racks and his face scrunched. Ugh.  _Robbie_. Yeah, no, he really didn't want to be associated with that moody jerk.

He continued walking. What was the  _opposite_ of himself? He liked casual clothes so the opposite of casual would be…

His heart dropped.

_Formal._

He  _hated_  formal clothes!

Whining beneath his breath, Dipper found a map of the mall plastered to a wall and checked for the location of a fancy clothing store. He groaned. Looks like he'd be going to  _Fancy Schmancy._  He couldn't back out now. Quickening his pace–because the faster he got the clothes, the faster he'd be able to leave–he hurried up an escalator and found the store. He stiffened.

_Now or never._

The doors slid open as he strode inside. He exhaled, eyes wide, and surveyed his surroundings. Coats, jackets, blazers, slacks… _so many fancy clothes._  He winced and set to searching for his size. As he skimmed through the clothes, he felt his nerves jitter. How was he supposed to search for clothes? Or match them? He sucked in a breath. He'd have to ask for  _help._

Pulling away from the fabric, he furrowed his brows and crept to a stern faced employee. The woman met his gaze. He squeaked as she approached with a glint in her eyes.

"How may I help you?" She asked, firm and clear.

"I'm…uh…I need formal clothes but I'm not sure how to look for them?"

The sharp-dressed lady nodded and scanned the teen. She hummed, placing a fist over her lips, then straightened.

"The best fit clothing choice to accent your figure and enhance your features would be a deep blue blazer, a white button down shirt along with a black bowtie, and beige slacks. Black dress shoes are of course a necessity to complete the look, but you simply  _must_ brush your hair."

Dipper's jaw dropped. "Uh…"

She waved a hand, pivoted, and strode into a section of clothes. "Follow me."

Shaking himself, the brunet rushed to follow.

~oOo~

Dipper stood in front of his mirror, decked in the form-flattering attire from the day before. He grinned and brushed a hand through his slicked back hair, trying not to feel  _too_ embarrassed about the birthmark but ultimately pleased with his new look. The teen rolled back his shoulders and strolled out of the attic room. He ventured down the stairs just as he heard Grunkle Stan's voice from the kitchen.

"Alright, alright, Mabel." The old man grouched.  _"The Club_  is pretty pricy so make sure your date pays for the meal! Blah blah blah, have fun kid."

Dipper grinned.  _The Club,_  huh? Well won't  _she_ be surprised?

The brunet hurried out of the Mystery Shack and rushed to the ritzy restaurant. Just outside the front doors, he twisted the knob. Rolling back his shoulders, he sauntered inside the neon lit building. An employee greeted him and outstretched a hand, directing him to the lone open table.

An electric guitar strummed in time to his footsteps and he grinned, waving at the ladies who turned to watch him. He chanced a wink at the ladies' steaming dates and chuckled.

A raspy voice sang.  _"On the day I was born, the nurses all gathered 'round. And they gazed in wide wonder, at they joy they found."_

He nodded at the band playing atop the stage. The drummer and pianist nodded back.

_"The head nurse spoke up, and she said leave this one alone."_

Dipper snapped his fingers and hummed as he strolled by the stage.

_"She could tell right away–"_

Just as he made to sit down, a pair of blonds caught his eye.

_"–that I was Bad to the Bone."_

The two handsome young men shot to their feet and swarmed the teen's table, both sitting on each side of him.

The blond of his left leaned close. "The name's Bill Cipher, hot stuff, what's your name?"

The blond on his right brushed a hand along his pompadour. "Hello handsome, I'm Gideon Gleeful. Who might you be?"

_"Bad to the bone. Bad to the bone."_

His sister, sitting directly across from his table, turned and her eyes widened. Dipper rested a chin on his hands and crossed his legs, raising a brow.

"Dipper Pines is my name." He chuckled and murmured to himself. "Who's cool  _now_ Mabel?"


	36. Crushed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His heart had been broken two too many times.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

The teen tapped his foot as he strummed the guitar. "Broken faces are from broken hearts. I never should've given you a start."

He inhaled. "You said 'Baby, baby, baby please' But you lied to me. And you turned on me!"

As he continued, eyes skimming the words on the page atop the table, he added. "Though you sing the song, I don't sing along."

Wood creaked but he didn't look up. "I'm not your baby, not your honey, not your anything!"

His voice rose in irritation. "You said 'Love, don't go.' But you're too damn slow!"

Footsteps pattered closer and he picked up the pace. "Even if you said 'I love  _you,_ don't you know?'" He stomped his foot. "But you're too damn  _late_. It's you that I hate! You're no longer my lovah! We're through! It's  _ovah!"_

"Dipper." A feminine voice intercepted. "It's been a week since you broke up with the bothersome blonds."

The teen thudded a hand against the strings, stopping the sound, and growled. "I don't bounce back as fast as you do, Mabel. Not everything is  _peachy keen._ "

His sister frowned. "But–"

The guitarist rapped his knuckles against the wood of his instrument. "Not in the mood for a lecture. Go away."

He started to strum the strings, head low, when the bed dipped beside him and his twin cleared her throat. "Then how about I sing with you? One of my 'feel better' songs outta cheer you up!"

Dipper sighed. "Mab–"

She sucked on the inside of her cheek, brows furrowed. "Maybe a little bit? Or at least  _one_  song?"

"One song." The teen relented. "Which one?"

" _Crushing the Crush_."

His eyebrows rose. "A–alright."

The guitarist strummed the strings, soft and slow while his sister hummed.

"Isn't it crazy, how hard its is–" His sibling began.

Dipper echoed. "How hard is–"

Mabel continued, "to dance without a song?"

She snapped her fingers in time to the tempo. "There's no rhythm of a heart beat beating, to help me feel like I belong."

Dipper pitched in. "Oh, you were wrong, no, I'm not strong. The seasons take their toll and _I_ can't feel my soul. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!"

Mabel stood, swaying her hips. "Time slips away and I haven't seen the light of day in days."

Dipper hummed and added. "I'm sick inside. There's no cure for the hurt I hide."

His sister rose in pitch. "Not even time can heal my pain. Only I can break the chain!"

The teen strummed faster. "So watch me now, watch me now! Watch as I rise above the crowd."

"Higher than ever, take a bow!" Mabel chimed, twirling.

Dipper smiled. "Hear my voice as I sing it out loud!

Together the sibling sang. "Here I go, I'm crushing the crush! No more tears and no more hush!"

Mabel tossed her hands into the air. "I'm singing loud! I'm singing proud!"

Dipper nodded his head. "Let your joy be allowed!"

They chorused. "Here I go, I'm crushing the crush! No more tears and no more hush!"

Dipper slowed the strums and sang alone. "Here I go…I'm crushing the crush."

He grinned. "Thanks, Mabel."


	37. Hook, Line, and Sinker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper Pines had heard rumors of how dangerous swimming near boats could be. Naturally, curiosity catches the merman.
> 
> Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeeeey! Check out my friend booksandanime's Billdip Cowboy AU!
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/chapters/11525275#main
> 
> It's a lotta fuuuuuun~

Dipper Pines had heard rumors of how dangerous swimming near boats could be. But the creatures above the surface–humans, were they called?–couldn't be  _that_ dangerous, could they?

He flexed his tail, light blue scales shimmering in the sunlight, and flipped his fin to rise off the sun warmed stone. He hummed as he righted himself and glided through the currents rushing past him. His ear fins flicked and twitched as he moved. Humans had created such odd fascinations. The human version of books, in particular, were quite the sight but he couldn't read a  _word_  of their language.

What kinds of things did humans talk about in their books, anyway? He circled a giant rock, steadily swimming upwards. Did they write stories? Journals? Coarse palms grasped the side of the stone, the surface of the ocean lapping above him. Just what did they  _know?_

Peering through the water, the teenaged merman checked for any signs of boats then hauled himself out of the water and onto the edge of the rock. No signs of human contraptions anywhere. He frowned.  _Bummer_. He couldn't look at one close today. Since there was no one in sight, he checked his surroundings once more and inhaled.

"Disco girl…" he sang the tune he once heard, voice distorted by the air, "coming through…"

Waves crashed beside him and he raised his voice to hear himself better, tail shifting rhythmically in the water. "That girl is you! Ooo, ooo–"

His ears twitched when he heard a whir and he twisted on his seat to see…

Dipper's eyes shot wide.

That was a  _massive_ boat.

He squeaked. And it was coming up fast too!

He dived into the water, batting his tail fast to ripple the water and conceal himself, but a force, small and strong, brushed against his side. He yelped as he recognized the texture. The force swept beneath him along with various scrambling fish beside him, and began to rise. His heart hammered.

_A net!_

He'd been grabbed by a  _net!_

The merman outstretched his arms, clawing at the metal twine moving in front of him, and panicked as the material just entangled his hands. He'd seen many fish wrapped in these human creations, laying dead on the seafloor.

He didn't want to die in one of these things!

His entrapment broke the surface and he gasped, body abruptly shifting to use his surface lungs, and flailed. His struggles only tightened the hold and as he screeched in a panic, he realized that he was going to die that day. He'd never see his sister or grunkle, or parents again. Tears rolled down his cheeks but he fought harder, only further entangling himself in the cage.

He couldn't die like this! He just  _couldn't–_

A garbled voice, tinged with some song-like accent, gasped and spoke fast. He whipped his gaze onto the source of the sound and his eyes widened. A human. A real live  _human._  Blackness spotted across his vision and his head throbbed. He groaned and sagged, struggling to breathe but having nothing  _to_ breathe.

Another voice joined the first, equally high-pitched and he whined. Colors blurred and spun as he blinked and coughed _. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't–_

Water washed over him and he gasped and broke into another coughing fit. Blinking back the black spots, he tried to focus on the flurry of activity in front of him but he just  _couldn't_. Couldn't  _breathe._  Couldn't  _see._  Couldn't–

Another wave of water coated his form and he took another ragged breath. Humans bustled around on the floor of the boat and he felt himself be moved and lowered slowly to the floor.

His body touched the unfamiliar surface and water splashed atop him. The humans rushed around him, all a blur, before his head throbbed and he shut his eyes.

~oOo~

Dipper groaned as he stirred, body cramped and stiff. Brown eyes opened and he blinked as he took in his environment. Decorated large walls surrounded him. He bit his lip and stretched his tail, working out the kinks, then pushed off the floor.

His face slammed into an invisible surface and he groaned, sinking to the bottom of…

"What am I even  _in?"_ He wondered aloud, twisting.

Hand outstretched, he swam alongside the invisible wall, getting a feel of his imprisonment. He certainly wasn't in the ocean and the last thing he remembered was…

_Humans._

Voices drifted into the room and a sound clicked followed by a pattering. Two humans appeared and their gazes zeroed on the wide-eyed merman. Dipper shrank as the strangers zoomed in front of him but his back hit a wall and he jumped.

The blonds sped through their language but he couldn't understand a word. What were they saying? Were they going to let him go or…or keep him trapped here?

He bit his lip and hunched in on himself as their words increased in intensity. His eyes widened and brows furrowed until he whined low in the back of his throat and curled into a ball.

"Stop…" he murmured. "Let me go home…"

The humans halted, hands pressed against the invisible wall, and stared at him. His gaze darted about the area, looking anywhere  _but_ at the strangers watching him.

"Please let me go." He added but doubted they could understand him.

The strangers exchanged glances, as if having a silent conversation.

Just what was he going to  _do?_

~oOo~

Gideon Gleeful and Bill Cipher were famous men, wealthy beyond belief, and so utterly  _bored._ They had plenty of time to spare and plenty of money to spend. True, they could've attend rich gatherings, but upper-class parties could only entertain the snobbish elite for only so long.

So someone, Gideon couldn't remember who, suggested they go on a private fishing expedition.

 _Utterly boring,_  Gleeful had thought, but had been oh so  _wrong._

For they had caught a merman.

A  _merman_ of all things!

Gideon stifled a giggle as he shot the fascinating creature another glance and placed a hand against the tank. "Bill, can you believe we actually caught a–"

A whine, quiet and warped, met his ears and the young man paused. His companion mimicked his pose and stared at the mythical being. Gideon shared a look with Bill.

"My gosh, hon, did you hear that?" Gideon prodded. "He sounds like he's  _crying."_

Bill frowned, eyes trained on the beautiful creature. "Not a pretty sound either."

Gideon pursed his lips. "Hon, what if he's like this the entire time? What if he has a family? Should we really keep him?"

Bill puffed his cheeks and exhaled.

"…Let's let him go."


End file.
